Dear Margo: A friend of mine is struggling with her teenage daughter. Via reading her diary, a routine practice, my friend discovered that the girl is wading into intimate waters with her boyfriend; that this boyfriend slapped her during an argument; that she is probably lying about her whereabouts when away from home; and that she has a boiling hatred for her mother. The means of this discovery only complicates the possible resolution. While all of this is distressing, I'm actually most concerned with how she feels about her mom, as this is what keeps them from being able to communicate openly and honestly. I've suggested active listening and spending more time together, but my friend says she's already tried that and it doesn't work. Her co-workers often tell her that if her daughter hates her, she must be doing her job. I'd like to think they're wrong. What can I suggest that might help this family? — At Sea

Dear At: I actually think your friend can finesse having read the diary. It is surely no secret in the family that the mother-daughter relationship is in the tank. Therefore, the mother can simply tell her daughter the time has come to improve the situation, that a jihad between them is not what she wants, and that a better relationship would be in both their interests. I disagree that a mother who is "doing her job" is going to be repaid with hatred. I know of many daughters who had mothers who set limits and boundaries, and they took it all in stride. I was one of them. Suggest to your friend that joint counseling might be of use to explain the position of each to the other. — Margo, historically

What To Do When People Invite Themselves

Dear Margo: My best friend of 15 years and I have planned a vacation for this summer. It is going to be the two of us, as well as our boyfriends. We are really looking forward to just the four of us hanging out all week in the sunny tropics! My problem is that while talking to my cousin one day, I mentioned the trip and how excited I was to go, and she said to me, "I'm going to talk to my friend Dave and see if he'll pay for us to go, too." My cousin has always made it clear to me that she doesn't like my best friend so I'm a little confused as to why she would even want to go on this trip. And because she just invited herself to join us, I didn't really know what to say. I hate to be blunt, but I don't want her to go. We get along well but have very different personalities, and if we weren't related, we probably would never choose to be friends. I also feel that it's not fair to my best friend and her boyfriend because this is their vacation, too, and I don't think they would be comfortable with my cousin and her friend coming. How can I tell her I don't want her to go without hurting her feelings? — Stumped in Baltimore

Dear Stump: I suspect the cousin may wind up with hurt feelings, but that's the price one pays for trying to invite oneself. As I have said many times before, I don't believe in being held hostage to insensitive people. Simply tell her all the plans have been made for four and it's been planned for a long time. And it's OK if you sound a little cool to her idea. If this girl is really a clod and pushes, say that the boyfriends would not be comfortable with enlarging the group. Over and out. — Margo, implacably

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.