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My Prescription for Political Indigestion

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I'm sure my blood pressure has risen countless times over the past year watching the federal government overspend. I'm tired of seeing out-of-control government overreaching into every area of our lives. And I especially hurt for Americans, many of whom are jobless, homeless and with little hope for the future or real help from the government.

I need a break from watching the political drama and recklessness in Washington. Know what I mean?

That is the reason I finally agreed to write my new book, "The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book," in which I share my favorite 101 "facts" and 101 humorous and inspirational related stories. (It is being released Nov. 1 by Tyndale House Publishers, though it's now available for pre-order on Amazon.com for less than $9. Proceeds from the book will go to help http://www.KickStartKids.org.)

For those who somehow have not heard of the Chuck Norris facts, they are mythical expressions of my life and abilities, a collection of sayings, quips and quotes, created by young and old alike, that have elevated my character and personhood to almost legendary, Paul Bunyan-like status.

I've heard it said that there are literally hundreds of thousands of Chuck Norris facts that circle the globe. They proliferate on the Internet, are found in speeches and books, and are written on bathroom walls from schools in America to battlefields in the Middle East.

Over the next five weeks, I'm going to give a sneak peek inside "The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book" in my weekly column, starting with entry No. 1 below. Each entry in the book is divided into four sections: one of my favorite official facts, a related short story ("Let's be honest"), a classic or contemporary corresponding quote ("They said it") and one of my principles for life ("Chuck's Code"), which are represented by the five "F's," or core values: freedom, faith, family, fitness and fight. (The only thing missing in these column examples will be the content display, such as font variance, and the comical caricature portrait of me that accompanies each of the 101 facts in the book — for example, an image of me wrestling a grizzly bear!)

Without further adieu, here's the first entry in the book:

 

No. 1 — "Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, and after five days of excruciating pain ... the cobra died."

Let's be honest ...

I was filming an episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" out in the woods.

The scene was with me and a Native American actor-friend, and we were competing to see who could catch the largest rattlesnake with his bare hands.

The snake wranglers had two very large rattlesnakes, supposedly de-venomed. My friend didn't want to be filmed trying to grab the rattlesnake with his hand. So he said, "De-venomed or not, I'm not about to try it." I replied, "Why don't you just walk in from the woods holding the snake in your hand? I'm going to win anyway, because I'm grabbing the largest snake." The larger of the two rattlers was slithering on the ground, so I sneaked up from behind and grabbed it by the back of the neck, picking it up and counting the number of rattles it had.

The take went very well, but the director wanted a second take. So the snake wrangler took the snake from me and put it back on the ground. I sneaked up to grab him a second time, but just as my hand grabbed his neck, he turned and bit me on the hand! As blood started gushing out, the director panicked and took off running!

I asked the snake wrangler if he thought I should go to the hospital to see if the snake had injected venom into me. He said, "That wouldn't be a bad idea." I told the crew that we had only one take, because I had to go to the hospital and the director was missing in action! (Then I asked, "Would someone please go find him?") There was a happy ending to it all: The single take was good, I had no venom in me, and they found the director.

Later, I played back the snakebite scene on film and slowed it down frame by frame. Twenty-four frames equal one second, and the snakebite covered three frames. In other words, that snake bit me in one-eighth of a second. Talk about fast!

They said it ...

"I hate snakes." — Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford's character) in the classic "Raiders of the Lost Ark"

Chuck's Code (Fight):

If your opponent is fast, you must be faster or smarter.

 

Who will enjoy the fact book? I believe young, old, students, military personnel, patriots and anyone who just needs a little relief and inspiration. Whether as a Christmas gift or, as my chaplain calls it, "the ultimate bathroom reading," I believe everyone will enjoy the read — and maybe even learn a few new things about me, America or even themselves.

In these tough times, I think we all could use a good laugh. And regarding personal maladies, I bet it even can relieve your political indigestion! (I believe patriots particularly will like my "Freedom" entry in next week's column.)

To find out more about Chuck Norris and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CHUCK NORRIS

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM



Comments

3 Comments | Post Comment
Good move, Chuck (I remember that scene in WTR). I've noticed that the enemies of the nation, i.e. the UK or the US, e.g. in the mainstream media, never have any clean sense of humour, unless it's aimed at tearing down someone who loves their country. I guess that's one way of separating sheep and goats, Matthew 25. I look forward to next week's installment. P.S. A friend of my late parents, now most likely deceased himself, used to be a snake curator, who milked them for their venom, for the production of anti-venene, the anti-snakebite serum. He was once bitten by an Australian death adder, one of the deadliest snakes around. After some days, the death adder died (though my parents' friend Charles was mighty sick for a while). Last time he was bitten was in about 2002, by a Queensland taipan, another of the deadliest critters around. By this time, he'd had so many brushes with reptiles that his body couldn't tolerate any more anti-venene and he had to have a substantial blood transfusion. With all due respects to Walker and yourself, Chuck, it pays not to be TOO tough. P.P.S. I've seen pics, I guess we all have, of a limb slowly having to recover from rattler bite-induced necrosis. Not pretty. Good thing WTR had only 3 eps with rattlers as guest stars, the others I recall being with Toby MacGuire (Spidey) and when Walker and Alex went camping and met the boy scouts. I would have thought W might have entertained them with a tale about Hayes Cooper but they and their scout master were mighty relieved when W sent the rattler packing, with the admonition, "You should be ashamed of yourself" LOL.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Alan O'Reilly
Tue Oct 6, 2009 8:26 AM
Dear Chuck Norris, Taxpayers, all of us, need a break from the rhetoric of politicians. Gitmo or Tent City would be the perfect place for these 'blood sucking ticks'! ‘A real joke' - letting the crooked politicians ‘investigate one of their own!'


Remember the song “Step out of line and they'll come take you away!” Definitely, should
apply to politicians, lobbyists, unions, CEO's, special interests, insurance and drug
companies! PACS must be dissolved! Taxpayers know these ‘blood-sucking ticks' can't
get elected without millions from these people who're seeking something in return!'
Taxpayers know this is corruption! Why should Taxpayers have to pay more for their
insurance and medicines, just so politicians can get elected?

Several million jobs lost, and no accountability by politicians! Doesn't take a rocket
scientist to figure out politicians have been out of line! Taxpayers are willing to sell them
a one-way ticket to Gitmo, which is more than they deserve, take all their assets to pay
off the trillions they've borrowed, without Taxpayers consent, and bid them farewell!

Why should Taxpayers be held responsible for the ‘so-called agreements and the
borrowing of trillions of dollars from foreign countries made by the politicians?'
Taxpayers know that all the Committees being used by politicians on local, state, and
federal levels, are just a way to hide what they're really doing! ‘Ways and Means, Ethics,
Appropriations, Government Reform, Economics, Financial Services, Pensions, Rules,
Finance, Education', I think you're getting the message! For past five decades, wouldn't
you think that with all these committees someone honest with intregrity would have
stepped up to the plate and put an end to ‘corruption and greed' in government?

‘A real joke' - letting the crooked politicians ‘investigate one of their own!'

Someone once said “The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism. Under
the name of “liberalism, they'll adopt every fragment of socialist party, until one day
America will be a socialist nation without knowing what happened!”

Wake up, America!

Comment: #2
Posted by: Shirley deLong
Sat Oct 10, 2009 9:29 AM
Dear Chuck Norris, I'm sending along the following that was sent to me. Goes to show the 'CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN' is not working for private business; therefore, this company has the answers!
====================================================================================


Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that
Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will
increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would
have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices
right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay
off sixty
of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I
believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would
have to go.


So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty
'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these
folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to
approach
this problem. They voted for change...... I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.


THE BOSS
Comment: #3
Posted by: Shirley deLong
Fri Oct 16, 2009 5:36 PM
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