AUSTIN, Texas — Thank goodness the Republicans are around to tell me what to worry about. The flag-burning crisis — here in Austin, there's that pall of smoke rising from the West every morning (it's from an area called Tarrytown, where they burn hundreds of flags daily).

You didn't know hundreds of flags were being burned daily? Actually, you can count on your hand the number of incidents reported over the last five years. For instance, there was one flag burned in 2005 by ...

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