I was wondering the other day what my campaign promises would be if I ran for president. I made a list I'm certain can get me elected:
If I'm elected president, I will …

-- Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day -- or else they can't vote on anything.

-- Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office. (Why would I need them?)

-- Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of Homeland Security ...

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