Please Google Karen Carpenter
by Margo Howard
Dear Margo: I am very worried about my boyfriend. "Lake" is 21, 6 feet tall and 140 pounds. Lately he's begun eating less and less — like one salad per day along with coffee and diet soda. He told me he was "just trying to lose a few pounds," but I think this might be something more serious. He now insists that we walk if we're going somewhere, and he runs for at least an hour every day. Could this be the start of anorexia? He has certainly had a stressful few years. ...
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Posted by: Bonnie
Comment: #1
Fri Nov 6, 2009 10:14 AM
Pinetree,
I agree with you 100%, but I do not think the mother is so clueless about her behaviour:
"It seems I express my opinion too much to suit her. Inevitably, I end up crying, as she gets either terribly angry or sarcastic. I never seem to see this coming and am blindsided. We apologize and make up, but the atmosphere is heavy with the anticipation of my doing or saying something "wrong" again."
What I understand from that, in EVERY VISIT, the mother expresses her opinion too much, then cries, the daughter gets angry. The mother seems to expect that apologizing will clear the atmosphere and start from scratch, but in my honest opinion, it does not work that way when it is a repeate offense. Plus, the mother contradicts herself, she knows that her attitude bothers her daughter but then says she never sees this coming.
"I don't know what I am to say so as not to cause this strong reaction. She tells me the problem is that I act like a "know it all." I just think we are having conversations with occasional differing opinions"
Here, the mother contradicts herself, once again. First, she says she does not know where the strong reaction comes from but then her daughter told her about the 'know it all' and how the mother thougth they were were having a conversation with different opinions. That conversation is not as harmless as the mother thinks, and by ignoring her daughter's feedback, the mother creates and instigates the conflict. Why not avoid the triggers? I am sure the mother sees her daughter start losing her patience, then why push the buttons till the daughter explodes?
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Posted by: Bonnie
Comment: #2
Fri Nov 6, 2009 10:21 AM
Correction:
What I understand from that, in EVERY VISIT, the mother expresses her opinion too much, the daughter gets angry, then the mother cries.
The mother crying is a clearly manipulate move on her part.
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Posted by: Carla
Comment: #3
Fri Nov 6, 2009 10:33 AM
LW1: Counseling together, PLEASE! Ask him if he'll go with you for just one session. Or you can find a good physician who is knowledgeable about both nutrition and eating disorders, and, preferably sports, and both go and ask him or her design your "programs" with a healthy diet and exercise regimen. The doctor can let your BF know in no uncertain terms that his habits are dangerous.
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Posted by: Van Wickle
Comment: #4
Fri Nov 6, 2009 5:38 PM
I bet mother and daughter would both benefit from reading "You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation," by sociolinguist Deborah Tannen.
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Posted by: pinetree
Comment: #5
Fri Nov 6, 2009 7:55 AM
I would bet that Uncomfortable Mother is the one with the problem, and that the daughter is fed up with it. The sample question proves my point -- the daughter wouldn't have reacted badly to such a question about her driving route if she hadn't been trained by her mother that a barrage of criticism often accompanies such a "harmless" observation. Reactions like that don't just come about out of thin air, for no reason.
Many hypercritical people just don't get it, and don't understand why their remarks chip away at people -- their reaction is pretty universal, feeling that "everything" they say is wrong, because they honestly cannot detect the tenor of their words -- I think LW is genuinely clueless and I feel sorry for her, but sorrier for the daughter.
I don't understand why Margo said the mother wasn't the real problem. Even if she didn't pick up on the fact that the mother is hypercritical, she had no basis NOT to assume that the daughter's problem was with the mother, as the mother had told her. I apologize, for I usually agree with Margo -- not today though.
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Posted by: Katie
Comment: #6
Sun Nov 8, 2009 4:55 AM
I have known a few children of family and friends who blew up at the slightest things their parents said. These children have mental problems. If this woman gets along with the other daughters (and she SHOULD ask them their opion on all of this) then it IS the daughter. Either way, it would be helpful to get some couseling with or without the daughter. If that daughter won't go, ask one of the other daughters to go, for clarification. Either way, I would let the visits go for a awhile, until I understood what was really going on.
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