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RE: "Elaine" who shuts down during a heated discussion. Perhaps she feels unable to state her case as clearly as he can state his, even though her intuition tells her that she is right. Or perhaps she feels that fter she states her case he goes right on arguing HIS position as if she had never spoken. That kind of "shutting down" is merely despair.

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Re: Letter #2. I'll confess it, I'm a lot like "Elaine." I hate yelling and loud arguments, so I will shut down until things have calmed down and my spouse and I can talk in a more reasonable manner. I'm also strongly introverted, which means that I do need breaks in between intense discussions to process what has been said, and to figure out what I think and feel about it. I'm going to guess that Elaine probably won't have heated, in-the-moment, duke 'em out, hash-it-out fights with you. But she can tell you when she needs a break, and she can re-initiate discussions once she's had some space. Granted, I'm assuming she's shutting down and being unresponsive during big, important arguments, and not doing the "you just walked in the door and she's silently fuming because you forgot to take out the trash" version, which is just passive-aggressiveness. Also, are you much bigger than she is? Try sitting down when you're arguing. Some guys are really unaware of how intimidating it is to have someone who's so much larger towering over you in anger.

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Rethink getting married until this shutting down behavior can be handled better. It'll not get better until you two work something out. Maybe the guy is being too aggressive or loud and she stays quiet so not to anger him more. Maybe this is her personality. In any case, it'll continue to eat at him and may doom this marriage.