LW#1: What's the point in divorcing someone if you're going to let him stay in your apartment? The kid's mother has to get a backbone to get rid of the guy. The 13 year old girl needs a RESPONSIBLE adult to talk to about her situation to be reassured that nothing that happens in that family is her or her brother's fault. It's hard to see a close family member ruin his own life, but he's sucking the life (and money) out of the entire household. She should use this opportunity to realize she needs to focus on her own need for a good education so that she'll have some skills to get a decent job and move out herself when the time comes.

LW#2: Marriage is two people who come from varying backgrounds. I come from a close-knit family and we all stop in to see each other whenever. BUT we also have no problem with saying, ---now is not a good time, catch you later---and nobody is offended. My brother-in-law is one who is of the opinion you MUST call before coming over---he's very territorial about his grill, computer, game systems and anything else in their house. He's married to my husband's sister. My husband's family is somewhat in between. They used to just feel free to stop by if they were in the area, but now they call first. I liked it the stop-by way...I feel if you're close enough, you're not bothered whether or not your house is immaculate (a problem my BIL has -- nobody can be in his house unless it is spotless. We've had to wait outside while he puts the finishing touches on it). We accept him for what he is and love him anyway...just at a distance, and NEVER NEVER stop by without an invite. Seems more like a business appointment than family getting together. He has never said yes if we initiate the call - he feels we are inviting ourselves over. The LW doesn't say whether or not his wife was present during the grilling. If she was, then he's out of line, unless he told her he doesn't want anyone using it. If nobody was at home, that's a different story.

LW#2: For four years I was an American in Greece, where it is part of the culture for people to drop by uninvited for extended visits. You were expected to drop everything and bring out serious refreshments. It rankled me because I don't like unexpected guests, so I can empathize. The wife's family stopping in for a cup of coffee is one thing. Firing up the new grill for a barbecue while the husband's at work is quite another. I do agree that he must tread carefully, however, even though his wife's family was being pushy and insensitive. This sort of thing can get out of hand fast and lead to resentment and family fights.

I grew up with a family that dropped in on people and people dropped in on us, sometimes at mealtime. My father would always invite them to stay, not caring that my mother would go without if there wasn't enough food to go around. Quite honestly, I hated it. I couldn't wait to get away from there and left when I was barely 18. Now, I won't drop in on people without calling first, and I don't want anyone dropping in on me, either. I don't mind lending out my stuff, but I don't want people taking it without asking.

LW2: Without his wife's cooperation, he won't get far with the in-laws if this is their habit and his wife thinks it's fine. He can try talking to his wife and maybe she'll be able to see his point of view to at least keep it to a minimum. It would make me nuts if my in-laws or my own family dropped in on us like that. I'd find a way to put a stop to it. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his marriage in a state of slow burn.