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LW1 -- Annie missed the mark on this one. If the husband had written to say he had given five frustrating years to an attempt to get a home business off the ground, with no net return, and his wife was working 60 hrs/week to carry them, what would Annie's advice have been -- keep taking advantage of the wife? The husband has to make some major changes. I agree with previous comments that he could get more training or try a new line. They do not sound like a well-off couple who have agreed that one spouse can be AH, or non-earning, or low-earning. They seem to believe that both should be working and contributing, so if the husband's present line is not profitable, he's not living up to his responsibilities and to one of the basic agreements in their marriage. Five years is enough to try and get a new venture off the ground. Try something else. The present situation is bad all around, for everyone's health and self-esteem, not to mention the long term financial health of the family. The wife's frustration is deep and real, and the husband is undoubtedly frustrated too. Her reluctance to talk about or insist on change because she doesn't want to hurt him is self-imposed emotional blackmail and a red herring -- they are both already damaged by the present situation. (Women do this all the time -- even to the point of staying with an abuser because they "don't want to hurt him!") I say, tackle that attitude, don't avoid it. Call in a mediator or financial planner or counselor to keep the discussion on track. Emotions are understandable, but should not permanently derail necessary confrontation of the issues.

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LW1 -- Annie missed the mark on this one. If the husband had written to say he had given five frustrating years to an attempt to get a home business off the ground, with no net return, and his wife was working 60 hrs/week to carry them, what would Annie's advice have been -- keep taking advantage of the wife? The husband has to make some major changes. I agree with previous comments that he could get more training or try a new line. They do not sound like a well-off couple who have agreed that one spouse can be AH, or non-earning, or low-earning. They seem to believe that both should be working and contributing, so if the husband's present line is not profitable, he's not living up to his responsibilities and to one of the basic agreements in their marriage. Five years is enough to try and get a new venture off the ground. Try something else. The present situation is bad all around, for everyone's health and self-esteem, not to mention the long term financial health of the family. The wife's frustration is deep and real, and the husband is undoubtedly frustrated too. Her reluctance to talk about or insist on change because she doesn't want to hurt him is self-imposed emotional blackmail and a red herring -- they are both already damaged by the present situation. (Women do this all the time -- even to the point of staying with an abuser because they "don't want to hurt him!") I say, tackle that attitude, don't avoid it. Call in a mediator or financial planner or counselor to keep the discussion on track. Emotions are understandable, but should not permanently derail necessary confrontation of the issues.

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I agree the brother should eat the finance charge for switching the date. But I don't get how y'all are reading so much into this. He'll get "free meals and a place to stay" ? Send them a bill? They agreed to pay for the plane ticket, whether it's because the husband is all thumbs with a hammer or the brother is so deep in debt he can't afford the plane ticket. They did ask his advice -- and we don't know to what kind of detail -- and agreed to his offer to help, presumably on days he'd otherwise be earning income. Should we then assume that this couple also goes up to a doctor at neighborhood barbecues and asks his opinion of this rash that's been bothering them? Or that they corner a lawyer at the PTA bake sale to ask whether they have grounds to sue a neighbor who cut branches off their apple tree?

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"Bothered In Salem, Oregon" and her husband should not have bought his brother a plane ticket. For him to say he'll come help "if" they send him a plane ticket says it all: greedy and selfish. Then changing the date and expecting "Bothered" and her husband to pay for it adds to it. Brother-in-law should pay his own way. I had a relative kindly "offer" to take me to an appointment for an outpatient procedure for which I'll have to be put under "IF" I'd "give him a little gas money." I never asked him to take me to begin with. Believe me, it's not like this relative can't afford to come, as he lives only a couple hours away. I declined his offer and got someone else who cares enough about me to do out of true concern.

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Um, where did LW1 says she believed it was "more her husband's responsibility to support his family" than it was hers? She said she thought it was his responsibility to HELP support his family financially. It sounds as if her job's income is not enough to support their family. There's no indication that he's not already doing more of the cooking, cleaning, etc -- and if she's working 60 hours a week, that may indeed be the case. The answer was really unhelpful, IMO, especially if he's unhappy with the status quo, too. At-home parents are generally the most effective and happy if that's a free choice for them, not because they feel they can't cut it in the work world. If what he's tried over the last 5 years hasn't cut it, why not go back to school and get training in something else, preferably from a school with a good placement rate and career counseling. He may need to take a minimum-wage job to help make this possible, abandoning, at least for now, the business he wanted to start. That's OK, though, because it will free up 20 hours a week for his wife - if they agree, she might be get another job, at least for pay. If they can get savings built up, and take more time to analyze better approaches to the business, they'll have a better shot at eventually making a go of the business, if they choose to restart.

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Sorry, but the advice to "frustrated wife" was lame and off-base. Today's society dictates that everyone have a job that produces income. If this "husband" were single or had a less-cooperative wife, how would he survive? Five years no income???? If it were the wife "freeloading" she certainly would be frowned upon. I cannot believe the only advice you could provide is to have him do household chores. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to fix. I divorced my husband in December of last year, for many reasons, but this was one of them. I became weary of dealing with his inaction and excuses, even though he has FIVE TIMES the earning power that I have. I am glad to be free of him. Financially, it won't be easy on my own, but I no longer have him to support and his daily drinking habit. Frustrated Wife needs to lay down an ultimatum. Be productive, supportive, or hit the highway....I suspect he will find a suitable job or career to avoid losing his family and wife.

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Sorry, but the advice to "Frustrated Wife" is lame and unhelpful. Today's society dictates that able-bodied adults support themselves with an income. FIVE years without any money? Please! What would this guy be doing if he wasn't married, or had a less-cooperative wife? He needs to re-evaluate his position, be a little less picky about how he earns money and get busy supporting his family. Frustrated Wife also needs to lay down an ultimatum, get a job or productive career, or hit the highway. I divorced my husband of twelve years last December, for a number of reasons, but this was a major issue. He, too, was self-employed, with FIVE TIMES my earning power. There were always excuses why the work or the money was not there, but the real reason is he would rather drink in the bar instead of work. It won't be easy for me, financially on my own, but my life is so much more peaceful now that I don't have to constantly nag him for money to pay the bills. He has to take that responsibility on his own now.

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sorry for the dupe, I didn't see it there!

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Re: Judith Fowler I'll bet the brother-in-law sends them a bill for re-drawing the design and for "construction" of the gazebo.

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Re: Sara. I agree, he just might. I'm also assuming he'll stay with "Bothered" and her husband and get a free room and meals, too.

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Sjoella wrote: >>I have to comment on the article regarding "Frustrated Wife" who views her husband as less than a man for not being financially head of household. << Again, that's NOT what the letter said. She wanted only some financial contribution and was getting none. The financial pressure these days of being the sole breadwinner is enormous, given the frequency with which layoffs occur and jobs disappear, and she's borne it for 5 years now. What happens to her family if she gets sick or injured, knowing that her husband can't get a job? I think it's wonderful when a family can arrange for one parent to be AH , assuming that parent wants to be there and their finances allow it. We made financial sacrifices and I stayed home with kids for 16 years, working from home for less pay -- it was a tradeoff I was happy to make, because it kept my hand in and eased the burden on my husband while allowing me to be home. But we were both on board with that choice -- it wasn't a last-resort because I couldn't find anything else. Both the letter writer's husband and yours should figure out a way to keep their skills fresh, or in a few years they'll discover the same problem that women have found: the business world doesn't care that you kept a household running smoothly or ran the PTA bake sale for 10 years straight. Right or wrong, they don't see it translating to the work world.

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I have to comment on the article regarding "Frustrated Wife" who views her husband as less than a man for not being financially head of household. My husband has been home for nearly a year. Initially I was worried and concerned for our finances. Until I started noticing "the difference". I noticed the floors were clean, when I went to do laundry there was none, after dinner the dishes had been cleared and leftovers stored properly. Above all, our now 27 month old son is safe, happy, clean and learning more than he hever did in a daycare. He can identify all his letters upper and lower case, count to near 30, knows his colors to name a few. He has so much confidence, stability and love that I have asked my husband to consider staying home. I didnt even mention how much our marriage has improved. I could not afford it financially so we spoke to a financial advisor, made huge changes and for now he is a stay-at-home dad. If he wants to go back, he can but I count my blessings each day he is at home. We are not rich and he made more than I did. Sometimes it is not what you dont have and cant buy...it is what you DO have and dont see. What I have at home is worth more than money...I have a healthy family and marriage. "Thankful Wife"