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The mother is a bit of a control freak.....my way or the highway, geez. I agree with Matt's comment. Overkill can produce the opposite behavior.

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I'd like to add to Jennifer's comment about young boys in the rest room. I agree with her whole-heartedly. There have been letters about spouses helping their disabled spouses in the restroom. Certainly if it's ok for a man to help his disabled wife in a women's restroom (I think that's ok), then it's certainly all right for a young boy to be there. My daughter attended Hamilton College in upstate New York and the dorm voted to allow both men and women to share the restrooms. After all, there are stalls. Personally, I was uncomfortable with that but apparently the younger generation thought it was fine.

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I applaud the mother of the first letter. Her daughter went on a trip and then ask for food money? If the kid had so much money fo the trip, then why didn't she use it on food instead. Her daughter must realize that there are concequences and choices that will insue seriving (sp) in the real world. I got a job during my school year to make sure I had money for college and to show my mom that I'm going to be able to be responible and take care of her in the near future. That's what today's generation should be doing: Taking care of themselves and others around them.

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Upstate New York's anger should be directed at the fact that her daughter lied to her to get the $100. for the trip to Florida. The girl claimed to have run out of food money, so she tricked her mother into financing the trip.

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HI, I agree with mom. If this world had more parents like her; there would be more responsible young people being raised in this world. Mom is showing tough love. I'm sure it broke her heart to have to make these decisions, but in the long run of life, her daughter will some day thank her. Saying she is no longer a "household member", isn't saying that she doesn't love her. On the contrary it is saying just how much she loves her by causing her to be reponsible for her actions. I peresonally know another mom who basically made the same decision. Her son was blown away at first but did put himself the rest of the way hrough school, became a vet , and is a very responsible adult. He and mom have a verey popstive and healthy relationship. Horray For New York MOM!!!!!!!!!!!

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There are two issues at stake with the young woman in college. The first is the need for honesty in her dealings with her parents, mother in this case. The mother may feel betrayed, but that's only appropriate: she was betrayed. Expressing her feelings about that, and retrieving her $100 all seem to agree was warranted. I concur. The second issue has to do with following or abandoning her family's moral training and expectations. Here I rather imagine it's a matter of where the line is drawn, rather than whether or not drawing a line is appropriate. All but the most freedom-insistent would admit that there is SOME course an off-spring could choose that would risk severing the parent-child bond. For one couple I know, it was multiple convictions, prison time, and the fact that their daughter would steal from them when she visited home. Where to draw the line, how to draw it, how to explain it, and what the consequences will be are matters that require considerable thought, may be helped by outside counsel, and must be thoughtfully communicated. How about responding to the plea of a 23-year old, employed child, when lifestyle choices leave him/her with too little money to pay an attorney for a DUI defense? Is the child entitled to a financial bail-out? Are the child's claims of parental abondonment justified? Or, as I assert, is it simply good parenting to insist that the child make the 'tough' choices to come up with the money? There are a lot of parents out here, whose kids are so focused on themselves, they don't seem to have a clue. (And whose fault is that? Ha. Ha.)

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New York needs to move into THIS century, and out of the Victorian ages. Men and women are not only allowed to have friendships now, but they're allowed to be together in public AND in private. Frankly, if I were her kid, I'd take this as a sign that mom's never going to actually care about me unless I'm living up to her puritanical batshit insane strictures - and walk away without ever looking back.

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That mom needs to take a couple of valium. Her daughter is almost 20 years old and she's trying to boss her around like she's 10. I know of several friends who were pretty much thrown to the wolves as soon as they turned 18, and I can tell you, when they went on to get married years later and have kids.....guess who was last on the list to visit.

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I also share the values of the mother in this story but that is where the similarity ends. I think she is mad about the $100. She should insist that her daughter pay back the $100 and have a talk with her. Funny she didn't mention grades, so I surmise that the daughter is passing her classes. I have two, soon to be three, kids in college. My end goal is to have them become responsible adults (with college degrees) and the ability to support themselves. My kids are probably doing some things that I would not approve of. I know that when I was in college, I did things that my parents would not approve of. But, they supported me, I got an education and grew up along the way. That is really what matters. Mom needs to think about what her long term goals are and work towards those goals. I think that telling her daughter that she is no longer a family member or welcome at home is counter productive and will damage their future relationship.

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I share the values of the mother in that letter, but I think she went overboard with the "and she's not welcome at home" business. Taking back the money, a long conversation about moral values (from lying to sex) and a reminder there would be no more subsidies - that should have been enough.

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My parents tried that "my way or the highway" stuff with me almost 40 years ago. I took the highway and haven't missed them. I would have been more mad about the daughter lying to get the $100 than anything else. People should know by now that they can't force their moral values on their adult children. If somebody doesn't believe in sex before marriage--fine, that's his or her choice. But they can't make their adult children choose the same path if they disagree. Even at my age, if I were to be single again, I wouldn't buy that car without kicking the tires first.

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LW1 should definitely be angry that her daughter lied to to her to get money. It would be completely reasonable to get the money back and explained that, next time she was low on food, she could get a job. However, after that... Wow! I understand values but telling your daughter that she is no longer a member of your household and to 'Have a nice life?' What an angry woman this mother is. How the heck do you just write your children off like that? She will be wondering in a few years why it is her daughter never comes home to visit. And she should pray that nothing bad happens to her daughter before she gets over her rage or else she will hate herself for a long time.

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I completely disagree with the response to "Elizabeth" who was concerned that a 4 year old's mother allows him to run into a mens room unattended. First of all, there are NOT many sex offenders out there. This perception is being perpetuated by the media and inflamed by paranoid parents, educators, and others in the general public. Second of all, it is NOT an unfortunate risk these days to allow a young child to use a public restroom alone. People pee people! And, the mother is waiting right outside. If the boy fails to appear within a few minutes, she can go in after him (or better, call to him from the doorway.) I'm sick of people scaring the public into believing that sex offenders and "monsters" lurk in every shadow. We're raising a generation of fearful, paranoid children who don't trust men and who are constantly watching over their shoulders. While it's true tragedy does happen occasionally, the fear of tragedy shouldn't dictate the direction of people's lives or destroy their ability to trust.

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Dear Annie: I have a comment about the 4 year old child using the women's bathroom. I think that your advice is great. Unfortunately, I let my son use the men's bathroom at that age too. The reason I did so was that women in the bathroom made such a fuss that my son was too embarrassed to go in there. He is tall. More than one woman snarled at me and said that my son was "too old" to be in the ladies bathroom. He may have been over 4 feet tall, but he was only 4! Like you said, women's stalls have doors. They do not know the age of a child, the child's experiences (perhaps the child has been assaulted), or possible disabilities. I ask anyone who reads this to please refrain from making rude comments to the parent or child who uses the women's room. Mom

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About the 4 year-old and the restroom. In my opinion, a child's safety is more important than his wants or the sensibilities of others. My son is developmentally disabled. When he and I were shopping alone together, he used the women's restroom if there was not a family restroom. We did this until he was eight (Now he is old enough to wait if we're along). Yes, I got dirty looks including women who would stand in front of me to make sure I saw them shaking their heads while he was in the stall. But, honestly, my child is more important to me than the opinion of a stranger who is upset that he might hear her doing her business in a private stall.