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Sorry mom, TELL YOUR DAUGHTER. WITH YOUR HUSBAND. My mother was a teenage mom who got pregnate with me before meeting my dad. I figured out on my own when I was thirteen. Over ten years later I'm still reconciling with my dad (not my "sperm donor," my dad). When I figured this out, I didn't blame my mom, I blamed my dad for the decade of lies. I started seeing favortism everywhere; I started blaming him for everything. I started worrying that my sisters wouldn't feel like their my sisters; because blood was thicker than water, as the old saying goes. I have identity issues; I worry about early-onset breast cancer and I can't afford to check (especially if anything was found, it'd be a pre-existing condition) I have an entire family of aunts, uncles, grandparents that I don't know. At family functions on my mom's side, I wonder who knows. The way I'd been treated on my dad's side finally made sense. The last ten years have been, quite frankly, hell and the worst is that I've lost the close relationship I'd had with my dad. I should not have found this out on my own. My parents shouldn't have relied on the amazing arithmatic skills of a teenager to spill the beans for them. My parents should have sat me down and lovingly, together, explain that my birth father was an accident but that the father-of-my-heart was a choice. They should have not made it a frightening question of loyalty and blood but a joyous statement of love and bond. My father was so terrified that I was going to use my paternity against him that it took him years to tell me that I was his choice. My parents married as teenagers and it took him years before he could tell me that I was who turned him from a boy to a man. My parents were young and selfish, but it took him years to tell me that he might not have stayed with my mother if he hadn't loved the baby-me so unconditionally. It took my dad years to tell me the things that I needed to hear and only after did the recrimiations stop in my heart. So, my advice to you as someone who is in you're daughter's position is to have you and your husband sit down and write down everything about how you love her. Your husband should write her a letter telling her of when he first saw her, how he felt, when he first felt like a father and how, blood or not, she is his daughter and will be forever. You need to tell your daughter that her biological father wasn't right for you, that he hurt your feelings and you felt it would be best not to see him anymore. Don't demonize him (a mistake my own mother made with my biological father that to this day puts me in fear of contacting him), but explain that the best thing that came out of that relationship was her and that you vowed to protect her. Offer that one day they might be able to meet, but that now is not a good time. Explain to her that her siblings are her siblings and will be through thick and thin. Explain that as the oldest, she's old enough to know and understand but that her baby sisters won't understand until they're older. Tell her that whenever she starts feeling bad or nervous that she can come to you and that you'll show her how much you love her. Don't tell the biological father. If he was bad enough that you would spend seven years lying to him then he's bad enough to want to keep your daughter away for now. That and having two fathers would confuse her and split loyalties. When she's older, probably a teenager, she may want to meet him, so I would recommend keeping tabs on him. Is he married again, does he have kids that she'll want to meet, were your inlaws alive and/or acceptable (my biological grandparents are who I really want to meet)? Did your current husband legally adopt your daughter? You're going to want a lawyer and you may want a private investigator. Above all do not let her find out herself. My parents started dating when I was two months old and I did the math well enough to find out. Also keep in mind, there are no pictures of her just-born and in the hospital with your husband (that's how I confirmed my math; my parents came home to find every scrapbook we owned tore apart, me looking for that picture) and there are definitly pictures like that of the younger two. If you let her find out on her own she will hate and mistrust one or both of you for years. Depending on the foundations of your relationship, she could use and manipulate that information to guilt you into all sorts of things you normally wouldnt' allow as a parent. If you tell her on your own terms you are establishing how you will continue to parent this issue: understandingly, lovingly and firmly. Maybe in the talk with her, let her know that you will broker no attacks against her dad: that he chose her and therefore is more her father than any biological tie, but let her know. ~Confused Daughter

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Annie's got it all wrong on this one. Your daughter is your #1 priority- and your ex was a louse. Biology is nothing more than an accident of DNA- your husband is her "true father". If you come clean, this will RUIN your life and your daughter's. Do you really think your ex won't try to punish the heck out of you for this? And what about your home life? Imagine how that will be. Let sleeping dogs lie and enjoy your life.

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I'm sure someone noticed that your daughter was 5 months old when you met your husband, so the subject will probably come up. Deal with it then. See a child psychologist who is expert is adoption and your situation (not at all unique) and work your angst and guilt out there. A 7-year old has too much living to do to have to have a crisis of this type thrust on her. And please, don't tell her when she is a teen ager and mad at you and her true father - the one who raised her. That's would be horribly cruel. Aha! You don't like your dad any more. Well, he's not your father, you hiss. As for hidden diseases: if you are concerned, have a genetic blood test run. Half my mother's brother and sisters had diabetes. There is none in our line. My grandmother had breast cancer. None of us have had a hint of it. I have osteoporosis and one of my sisters has it, the other doesn't. Just have her checked out with the doctor as you do her siblings and you will catch any potential problems. In fact, have yourself, your husband, and all the kids tested if you want to know the absolute limits of what to expect as you get older. Or, as my doctor says, deal with it as it comes. Follow good eating habits, rest habits, exercise, avoid alcohol and smoking and drugs of any kind and you and your kids will be as healthy as possible.

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Don't listen to Annie! Your priority has to be what is best for your daughter, and blurting this info to a 7 year old isn't it. Aside from what you'd have to admit about your own conduct, when she's too young to understand, telling her she is not as much her daddy's little girl as her sisters are (which is how she'll see it) and that there is a man out there who could assert daddy rights over her if he knew would make her feel creeped-out and vulnerable. Or if you tell him, too, and he wants nothing to do with her, it won't be great for her self-esteem (most adopted kids have at least some hurt at the thought that their birth parents 'rejected' them). And just wait 'til the teen years, when she's mad at you and her real-life-dad for not letting her do whatever she wants, and she starts thinking about what (she imagines) her bio-dad might've allowed.... As for telling your ex, think hard first about what kind of man he is and what he is likely to want, because if he wants it a court will probably order visitation, just him and your daughter alone together for significant chunks of time. She'll probably be really uncomfortable with that (especially if he expects her to love him faster than she's ready for) and, if the relationship doesn't "take," she'll resent the time it takes away from things she actually wants to do. I know a girl who has spent over a decade being forced to endure visitation with a manipulative, selfish jerk with whom she has no real, emotional relationship because he happens to be her biological father; the courts won't terminate visitation because they assume a relationship with her bio-dad is good for her and won't listen when she begs not to have to see him. If your ex would want to see her, will it be important to him to trash you and your relationship with her to punish you for not telling him sooner? Is he a drugged out loser who will be the one who introduces her to pot because he wants to buy her love by being her buddy, instead of her parent? I know another girl who was murdered at 15 by someone her wanna-be-buddies, let's do drugs together dad introduced her to! Before you go blurting, be as sure as you can that you'll be increasing the number of loving, responsible adults in your daughter's life, who can put her needs ahead of their own and help her be all she can be etc., not irrevocably exposing her to someone whose net effect on her life will just be destabilizing and/or poisonous. Someday, you will need to tell her. But that should be after consultation with a child psychologist, as to when she is ready to hear it, and what information you should give when (like the way you teach a kid the birds and bees a little at a time, depending on what they're ready for). As for telling your ex, realize that until she is 18, you'll be giving him rights over her if you do; be sure that is a safe thing that will make her life better. Otherwise, just document everything: write her a letter identifying him (with his social security number, which you probably have on old tax forms, to make him easier to find down the road) explaining why you didn't tell him and her sooner, in case anything happens to you, and put that with your and your husband's wills (you especially need to have those to be sure your daughter would be treated the same as her sister if he died), to be given to her only if you both die, or at your husband's discretion if you die first. The only exceptions would be: (1) if there were specific medical reasons for her to need to know earlier. If she's a healthy kid, 18 will be soon enough, or (2) if there is someone else who knows the truth who may take it upon himself/herself to tell your daughter (which would be really cruel). Otherwise, just tell your kids you've been married longer than you have (what kid pays attention to what year's anniversary it is for their parents?) and put your marriage certificate in a safe deposit box (with a copy of the letter) so no one stumbles upon it.

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Re: Kathleen I agree 100% with you. Annie's advice was way off and totally wrong. She should leave things alone. Why subject this poor girl to the "truth" for no reason. Medical reasons only come into play if there was a need to have that information, such as a serious genetic illness. Her daughter will be better off believing that she is just as much her father's daughter as her two sisters, because she is. If the bio father really wanted to be a part of his daughter's life, he would have pressed the issue back then and demanded the baby be tested when she was born. He was happy to be let off the hook.