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Vague & inappropriate??? We're not her counsellors trying to give her 'pointed and appropriate' advice, we're making COMMENTS. Which, by the way, say the exact same things yours does, in just fewer words and plainer English.

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Dear Annie, I am a recently retired middle school teacher, and I feel that your comments about the bright child who fails to turn in assignments are way off base. Today's teachers do offer creative and interesting assignments, which require reasoning skills rather than rote memorization. If you had an opportunity to visit classrooms you would be astonished at the activities which children are doing nowadays. Unfortunately there are always a few students who simply refuse to do even the most creative, fun activites. In every class, there is usually someone who lags behind. Generally these children have issues at home which cause anxieties, or minor attention/organization problems which they overcome as they grow older. Happy, well adjusted kids don't just dig in their heels and refuse to do their assignments. Middle school children are notoriously "social," and are not motivated academically without strong parental support of the teachers. I suspect that the child whose parents asked for your advice is wasting time in class when he is supposed to be starting or working on the assignment, and is probably distracting other students, also. Students like this use an inordinate amount of class time and teacher energy, which takes attention away from those who need it the most. Children who fail to turn in papers should not receive special assignments, but should complete the missing work for a lower grade. Standardized tests do not thorougly measure a child's understanding. Bright children score well through logical guessing. It is important for children to keep up with the daily work, especially in math, because things are taught in sequence, and previous learning is a basis for new learning. A child who doesn't do math assignments for a few days is likely to become confused about new concepts. It is unfair to expect the teacher to take time to prepare extra assignments. In my experience the laggards didn't do the extra credit work either, and the time was just lost. Extra credit should be for a child who is trying hard but has difficulty with a subject and is wavering on the borderline between grades. Individuals who refuse to do the regular assignments shouldn't be rewarded with extra credit. It is also unfair to the other students for the teacher to use valuable time to "play games" with those who refuse to do their daily assignments, and are probably already doing their best to disrupt class. The school day is only so long, and a teacher's preparation time at home is finite, also. The parents of the young man who wrote to you need to put the responsibility of completing his schoolwork onto their son, where it belongs. That lesson will be just as important as the subject matter he learns in school. E

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Re: Arne Sahlen I, too, am a middle school teacher and am frustrated with the editors' comments to today's published letter. In our school, students are given one day to turn in late assignments with a 20% grade cut. None of the 7th & 8th grade teachers will give extra credit assignments. Why not? 1) If a report is assigned as extra credit, the child merely copies the "report" from a magazine or encyclopedia or from an internet source. No actual learning has taken place. 2) Mommy or Daddy do the report for the child. "He's so busy/tired/ etc. and I felt so sorry for him." 3) If the child has time to do an extra credit report, he/she has time to do the original assignment. Language Arts is also a sequentially-taught subject (when it's done correctly, not like most of the books today present the information). In my classroom, we check the previous night's homework the first thing the next day, so the child who hasn't done his/her homework now has the advantage of turning in a perfect paper without having done any actual work. 4) Most teachers have more than enough papers to grade, lessons to plan, paper work to fill out, etc., that we do not have time to grade "extra" work. We, too, have families and like to attend our chihldren's sporting events, concerts, etc., or occasionally just relax. And , in order to keep up with today's educational world, we teachers must continually attend workshops, take additional college classes, etc. True, there are often times when there are extenuating circumstances as to why the child hasn't done the homework--most teachers are flexible and after a few weeks can learn to "read" their students, thus knowing whether the child is being truthful. The truth will usually show itself when it comes to test time--the student who does no homework, or has Mommy or Daddy do it for him/her usually will not score well on the test. And, yes, I know all about "emotionally disturbed" children, test anxiety, and any other excuse someone can come up with. I have taught for over 40 years, and my principal says I'm the "youngest" old person he knows.

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Family inclusion - a ONE-WAY STREET Hooray for 'Canada' who maintains warm relations with her separated husband's nephews and nieces. Children facing emotional loss don't calculate the official status, e.g. "she's just an aunt so it's less important." If they got along well, and then love vanishes due to a crisis, the kids will know only pain - plus possible 'secondary symptoms' of feeling that they may be partly to blame. Children these days are bombarded with attachment-and-loss uncertainty. We grownups must show stability, love and trust - in all possible circumstances - to help them grow into stable, loving and trusting adults. Bravo to you. What you do sets a fine example for us all to follow. Another Caring Canadian!

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I am a Special Education teacher who is astounded that teachers who have written a reply regarding a child who scores high on standardized tests,but does not complete,or turns in assignments below an acceptal level,are missing a very relevant clue. I have a Master's Degree in Special Education and one of the first things that I learned in graduate school are the warning signs for emotional disorders in children. One of the earliest signs for an emotional disorder is a child who scores high on standardized tests but performs low on classroom assignments. The teacher of a child such as this should speak to the parents about having the child evaluated for an emotional disorder.Because this might be a sensitive topic for the parents,the teacher might simply suggest to the parents that the teacher is concerned about the child's performance and would like to have an evaluation done to rule out any contributing causes.

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I, too, am a special education teacher with a master's degree and over 30 years of experience. I don't know if I would immediately assume that a student who doesn't complete homework needs psychological help. Maybe to help the child discover why he is not doing the work, because if you ask him, you'll get " don't know." And he may not. I once worked with a gifted student with severe organizational skills. He decided he'd rather be placed in regular classes and not be challenged in the gifted classes because the work just wasn't important to him. He could have had a period a day to complete it and wasn't embarrassed to be seen talking with me. He had no learning disabilities. Whenever I've worked with students who did not complete classroom work (while being their tutor) the difficulty of the work was not an issue. Some needed instruction in how to understand what was being asked.. Others just didn't want to do it. Some kids are just not made for the traditional classroom no matter how interesting the work is to everyone else. Often, all I had to do with the kids who didn't work in class was to prove to them that it was possible to actually complete the work in class; that they no longer needed me to come and watch them do work they were perfectly capable of doing on their own. We used role play and discussion of specific things going on in the classroom. For some reason, it worked in each case. I've even known students who did the homework and refused to turn it in. There may be someone on the school staff who can spend some time talking with this student now and again to determine what is really going on.

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Let's see here ..... my husband can't get me anything for Valentine's Day because we 'don't have the money' then buys his girlfriend a $500 bracelet and after I find out, he says he'll LET HER PICK IT UP AT THE JEWELERS!!!! Come on, get real! The only person who'd be picking up anything from the jewelers would be ME and I'd have myself a new $500 bracelet and extra room in the closet where his clothes used to be. Then you catch him holding hands w/ same women while giving her the new bracelet .... and he has the nerve to say it's just friendship. I'm afraid I'd have been arrested on the spot because I'd punch someone who took me for such a fool as to even utter those words to me in that situation. (No, I'm not really a violent person, just trying to make a point here.) I feel sorry for the pain this lady is going through because I've 'been there/done that' but she doesn't need a counsellor, she needs a lawyer. She's already given him several chances to make this right and for what? More slaps in the face and punches in the gut (figuratively speaking).

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Sometimes counseling just isn't the answer anymore. This man has been caught lying to his wife three times now and has shown that he puts his mistress before her. The fact that he decided to get his wife nothing while buying his girlfriend a $500 bracelet suggests that he really has no conscience. Apparently, he thinks his wife is stupid and hooked to him enough that he can do whatever he wishes. The wife should file for a divorce and find a man who will buy nice things for her on Valentines Day.

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I sympathize with the woman whose husband has a girlfriend. When that happened in my marriage, my husband continued to pursue his friend until she quit our church and cut off all contact with him. It was devastating to see emails in which he told her how much he loved her. He wants to just forget that it happened, saying that he was infatuated, not in love, and that it occurred before he began his recovery from chemical dependency. But it really did happen, and his wish to just forget it means that we can't resolve the problems that created the situation.

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Dear gals: Your respons to :"Lost Trust in a Spouse Makes Rebuilding a Marriage Difficult" was vague and inappropriate in the circumstances. After discussion with her husband, discovering further evidence, continuing lies, seeing him and the other woman holding hands in a restaurant, would you try to save this marriage which is in turmoil? It is quite obvious that: (a) the husband has found another interest; (b) there is no shortage of money for the new woman in his life; however, there is no money for his wife for a Valentine's Day Gift while a $500.00 bracelet was purchased for the new woman; (c) he did not care about being seen in a restaurant which obviously, he must frequent with his present spouse and therefore probably wanted her to find out otherwise, why would he be seen in a place where there was a chance that his wife would go? (d) would you really trust this husband considering the fact that he has not tried to work on his marriage AFTER promises to his wife that "the friendship is OVER" but yet, it is and has been continuing???? I know I would never trust him as it is obvious he does not want to end the relationship and should he remain with his present wife, she will always wonder if he is still seeing her or anyone else, for that matter.