Annie's Mailbox®, April 7
by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We have two sons, "Sam," age 13, and "Brett," age 9.
My wife and Brett get along fine, but she and Sam clash frequently, despite my attempts to keep the peace. As a result, Sam believes she hates him and favors Brett.
When I bring this to her attention, things improve for a day or two, but inevitably there is yet another battle. Since Sam is big for his age, she has an expectation that he should behave ...
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3 Comments | Post Comment
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Posted by: BB
Comment: #1
Mon Apr 7, 2008 1:35 PM
940 is completely correct. Tell the kids exactly why Mom acts that way and that even though it hurt her when her mom did it, she still does it. It doesn't have anything to do with him. Maybe he reminds her of herself or her Mom. I have known families where one kid was the brunt of all the family frustration going so far as to beat and torture that child; however, his boy has a loving father who needs to go the extra mile to spend time with him. Maybe he can spend some time with each son alone - teach them how to repair the car, go to a ball game, etc. which will give them confidence in themselves and skills for a lifetime.
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Posted by: Kris Crainer
Comment: #2
Mon Apr 7, 2008 6:28 AM
Dear Annie: Regarding "Honest in Tennessee," I have to say that men are just as bad about misrepresenting their weight on line. A man I met online had some great-looking pictures of himself. When I met him in a restaurant, he was at least 50 pounds heavier than his photo! Another man said that he was "stocky." He was 300+ pounds of "stocky!" I ended up dating him for quite awhile because he did have some nice qualities. He did, however, make comments about "fat chicks." Amazing...
Frustrated in Kansas
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Posted by: 940hampshire
Comment: #3
Sun Apr 6, 2008 10:30 PM
Re: Melancholy in Massachussetts who wrote about his wife's difficulty in being a loving mother to her sons Sam and Brett.
I disagree with one part of your otherwise excellent response: “You should intercede with your children, reassuring and reinforcing that Mom loves them but has problems of her own that make expressing it difficult.”
I think it's damaging to lie to kids by saying Mom loves them. Kids are no dummies and can see Mom can't stand to be around them.
I've heard single moms tell their children ‘Dad really loves you' when Dad hasn't been around for years, doesn't call or remember birthdays. Or ‘Dad really loves you' when the Dad in question comes home only to scream at the child. ‘Mom really loves you' when Mom's face falls whenever the kid comes in the room. Or in this case, Mom really loves you, when Mom gets frustrated with Sam, jumps in the car and leaves.
People perpetuate the lie, “Mom/Dad loves you” because they mistake Mom's LOVING the child for the child BEING LOVABLE.
Mom's behavior has consequences for the child. However Mom's feelings, loving or not, have nothing to do with the child. They don't mean anything about the child.
The worst consequence of a non-loving parent is the conclusion the child draws about him/herself or the world from the parent's behavior. The lie ‘Mom loves you' will not remove that conclusion but instead will reinforce it. Dad saying ‘Mom really loves you' when it is obvious that she does not will only make the child feel more isolated and confused.
If you just omit that phrase from your response, it would be more supportive. Let him know “Mom is having problems of her own that make her irritable and sometimes want to be alone. Sometimes it makes her be mean to you. It has nothing to do with you, it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong.”
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