When Hairy Palms Met Sally
by Amy Alkon
I checked my boyfriend's online history (okay, invaded his privacy) and saw he'd been looking up porn all day yesterday and the day before while home with the flu. I freaked! We'd talked about porn before. He said he watched it in his younger days, but didn't anymore, so I was surprised. I confronted him, and he said he'd been bored and curious, but doesn't watch porn regularly. I don't know whether I believe him. I've heard people get addicted to porn. Beyond that, there are the unrealistic ...
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Posted by: edie Saville
Comment: #1
Fri Jul 3, 2009 6:51 PM
Hi Ariana, That is my point in suggesting S-Anon. I have no idea whether her SO has a problem. S-Anon is to address HER issues related to sexuality, control, and intimacy/trust.
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Posted by: Ariana
Comment: #2
Thu Jul 2, 2009 12:00 PM
Edie,-----
In general, I would agree with you, but not in this particular case. The reason the LW checked her BF's web search history may be that she suspected he was addicted to porn or it may be that she is control freak who needs to know every step her BF makes when she is not at home. I am all for trusting your gut, but when your gut tells you that you have to monitor your loved ones' every step or they will cheat on you, get addicted to porn, or clean out your bank account, you are a tad paranoid. From the way L1 is written, I get the feeling that LW is too insecure and too controlling, not that the BF has an ongoing porn problem: the LW did not indicate that he spends all his free time locked in a room surfing the web and logs out or shuts his computer down the moment she comes in.
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Posted by: Matt
Comment: #3
Thu Jul 2, 2009 3:41 AM
Re: Pat-tricia. Thank you. Even as a male, I agree with you. I think for me the irritant is how so many men equate successfully connecting with a woman....as getting her panties off within a short period of time. It's why I hate that stupid show "EX-treme Dating" so much, because the couple who make a go of it are never shown having a conversation that's stimulating or forming a deep emotional connection. Rather, the "successful" couples on that show are the ones who are gyrating in the hot tub on the first date, hours after meeting one another. Sometimes one even inviting the other into a hotel room at the end of the date! I liked how Amy compared this guy's approach to C-3P0...I was reminded of Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, but the point is the same. The LW's diction may sound intellectual, but when you strip off the veneer, it's just Beavis and Butthead. "Hey Baby...want to, um, score with me? Huh huh huh." Really it's no different. A friend in college pointed out the obvious....that "if you take the Beavis and Butthead approach to getting women, you'll probably get as many women as Beavis and Butthead do." Which is to say, zero.
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Posted by: Pat-tricia
Comment: #4
Wed Jul 1, 2009 12:47 PM
LW2: This guy sounds like he's looking for a sexual encounter, period. If he had a "romantic" relationship with this woman in high school, you'd think he already knows how to ask a woman out on a date. And that's what he should do when he meets up with his former girlfriend at their reunion. If she isn't dating someone else exclusively and if they parted on good terms 10 years ago, I would think she'd agree to at least have coffee with him and catch up on each other's lives. After that, who knows? But if it were me, and some guy I'd dated in high school approached and just straight out said he wanted to have a sexual relationship with me, I'd tell him to get lost. And even if he did as Amy suggested, started nuzzling up to me at the reunion, I'd also tell him to get lost. No sex or petting on a first date - even a date ten years after the last date. You talk, catch up on news, start getting to know each other all over again. Sure you may have a history but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to start off where you left off ten years ago. You simply start over. Where's Amy's brain this week?
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Posted by: sarah stravinska
Comment: #5
Wed Jul 1, 2009 5:03 AM
My brother in law once asked my sister what is was about those Harlequin romances that attracted her. She took a hi-lite pen and marked all the "sexy" passages for him. He read them all. The next night he came to their bedroom and did and said as many of the things she'd underlined that he could. Even wore a cape and tights!
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Posted by: edie Saville
Comment: #6
Wed Jul 1, 2009 8:33 AM
Regarding the woman with the significant other who lies about his pornography use. Real people can get addicted to porn; it's not a genetic right. It's more like most people can have a few drinks, once in a while, and some people are alcoholics and can't drink ever.
Right now, she needs more information. Amy is suggesting that this woman believe her boyfriend over her own gut . She had some reason or feeling to check the history on the computer, she's had a discussion in the past with this guy, in which he said he doesn't do porn, and she doesn't truly to believe his explanation of the situation. I would suggest she check out the website for S-Anon (the equivalent of Al-Anon for the families of sexaholics). They have a checklist for the her to see if she needs help living with this behavior, or deciding not to live with it. If she doesn't have any of the behaviors, great. If she does, then she has a place to start
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