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Hi Margo. Re Dazed and Confused, you might find http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/ak-hhscale.html interesting, and you might want to rent the movie "Kinsey". Phil

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Margo, how can you have gotten this far in life without hearing about bisexuality? It's *possible* the guy is purely gay and totally repressed about it, but if he's had a longstanding, loving sexual relationship with his wife, I really doubt it very much. In addition to telling him about bisexuality, you might also have told him there's no law saying that he has to fall out of love with his wife when he makes a new romantic friend. Many folks are happily polyamorous: in multiple romantic relationships with the full knowledge and support of all those concerned/intertwined. If he and his wife are willing to reeducate themselves on these two points, and if his wife decides that she is willing to go along, there's no reason this can't have a happy ending all around. Many people have gotten to that place. He and his wife need to know that that's at least a possibility. They can start by typing the word "polyamory" into Wikipedia or Google.

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I'd have to second the above, there's apparently a lot more in the world than dear margo is aware of. We'd call it "New Relationship Energy". There's no reason he can't be in love with both! As a recently awakened bisexual man, I can say I know the feeling! :) :) :) Dazed: Try to keep a balance, and don't get caught up in the idea that it has to be one OR the other. Both AND is so much better. Maybe the three of you could attend a HAI workshop? www.hai.org

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I agree with the other posters here about new relationship energy, bisexuality, and the need not to wrap people up in tight, if colorful, packages....Christmas is over, time to throw away the wrap & face some gray areas...most people are bisexual to one degree or other, and furthermore there is only little support available for open relationships of the kind which would ease the discomfort that this letter writer is going to face, whatever he decides to do.

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Oh, Margo, Who appointed you God? To declare to this young man that he is Gay is a little over the top. This may or may not be true. Our thought lives play tricks on us. That does not mean things are set in stone. Because he has ''played'' with this man doesn't mean he absolutely is Gay. He may be having a mental dalliance. It doesn't mean he has to act on it or that he doesn't love his wife. He needs to examine his moral code and decide where to place his loyalty. All of us have temptations but I believe we have Free Will to decide to do the ''right thing''. He has committed to his wife and he needs to get off the computer and turn his attention to her. Love can renew itself with his cooperation. We don't have to be slaves to our passions.

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Margo, is it possible that "Things you find out online" is simply having a same-sex crush becoz this other man is so witty and fun to talk to? From what I read, they've never met in person, and sometimes you might meet someone and find that the wit doesn't translate well from online chat or phone calls. What if his "boyfriend" turns out to be unattractive-looking? I think before I'd label this man gay, I'd consider it just infatuation.