Annie's Mailbox®, June 30
by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: I have been married to my true love for 16 years. "Daniel" is a wonderful husband, a fantastic father to our three boys, a generous and successful businessman with many friends, and a great guy. My problem is his mother. She cannot see what a wonderful person her son is.
For years I have listened to her verbally abuse him. In her opinion, he does nothing right. About 12 years ago, his now-deceased father had a minor stroke and turned the family business over to Da ...
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Posted by: Joannakathryn
Comment: #1
Fri Jul 3, 2009 3:13 PM
Re: Pat-tricia--My first thought is to say yes, you should tell their son, but it really depends on the type of person he is. If he's a happy, live-and-let-live-type person, it probably won't bother him. If he's very sensitive and touchy about things, it's probably best to let it be. Some people appreciate knowing that their parents are human beings. Others don't want to know anything that might show them that their parents were less than perfect.
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Posted by: Connie
Comment: #2
Sat Jul 4, 2009 10:51 AM
In regards to the reply to "Heartbroken for Hubby": Your reply was good, however this wife needs to own up to her feelings towards how she feels about the comments directed to her wonderful husband. She said, "It makes me sad to the point of tears that a mother cannot respect, love and be proud of her son. How do I convince her that he is a good person and she is throwing away the relationship?" This is exactly what she needs to say to her husband's family. Instead of also becoming a victim of the family's verbal abuse, she needs to be an ally to her husband. Defend that good man and if they turn their hatered & dislike towards her it deflects it from her husband. So be it. The best defense against verbal abuse is not tolerating it & changing your reaction to it. Take the hurt & sadness she feels and turn it into a feeling of defience for how she feels. IE-" It makes me sad to the point of tears that a mother cannot respect, love and be proud of her son. How do I convince you that he is a good person and you are throwing away the relationship? You need to see what your son has accomplished. What a pity you are so blinded. I feel sorry for you." Create a defense team of the people around you when these comments are made. Strength comes in numbers. Refuse to be victims.
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Posted by: Kate
Comment: #3
Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:22 AM
To Joannakathryn: I am with you. What a lucky, shallow, irritating person to be bent out of shape by a date. Wow. To think I worry about paying for my mother's healthcare and upkeep while she is living... Whether she and Dad were married in '56 or '58 makes zero difference. It will matter even less after she is gone.
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Posted by: Pat-tricia
Comment: #4
Tue Jun 30, 2009 4:02 PM
Kate and Joannakathryn: I agree that the date means little in the long run. It's just curious that they didn't tell the truth to their own daughter. If anything, that generation would be more likely to say they were married earlier than they actually were in order to make it look like they were not pregnant with the first child when they married. Why they would say they were married two years later is a mystery. I can understand the lw feeling hurt, but not so much that she had to write to an advice columnist. That's the part that bothers me. It's not like anyone who didn't know the couple could answer the question of why they "changed" the date of their marriage. While in the grand scheme of things the date is not all that important, the lw has discovered a family mystery which she finds troubling. Perhaps one of her parents was still married to someone else because some paperwork had not been completed or filed correctly. To hide the resulting accidental bigamy from others, they changed the year of the marriage. Perhaps the daughter should do some research to find out whether one of her parents had been married before and if so, when that marriage was dissolved. She should also look to see if there was a second marriage ceremony for her parents.
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Posted by: Joannakathryn
Comment: #5
Tue Jun 30, 2009 4:19 PM
Re: Pat-tricia--Actually, this LW reminds me of people in my own family. They're so worred about "what will the neighbors think" that they let it control their lives. I agree with you--she should do some digging to see why the date was changed, if it's all that important to her. I found out when an uncle died that he'd been married for a couple of weeks, back in the 20s. All those years he'd been referred to as an old bachelor. There were family members who would have had a fit if they'd known that I knew about it. ( The younger family members think it's funny.)
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Posted by: Joannakathryn
Comment: #6
Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:55 AM
LW-3 is upset and "shocked" because her parents got married 2 years earlier than she thought? Does she think anybody who was at her father's funeral gives a rip, one way or the other? It's going to be a real shock to her when she finally realizes that the whole world doesn't revolve around her and nobody cares what her parents did before they were born. I'd like to be able to trade problems with her.
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Posted by: Pat-tricia
Comment: #7
Wed Jul 1, 2009 7:35 PM
Re: Joannakathryn -- The story about your uncle is funny. Thanks for sharing that. There are so many things nowadays that people are open about and think nothing of it whereas years ago they were considered shameful. My sister was married to a man who was 17 years her senior. He was supposed to have been a bachelor to that point also. Years later she "secretly" told me that he'd been married in his twenties to another woman who incidentally had had the same first name as my sister. But my sister insisted that it hadn't been a REAL marriage because they got an annulment from the Church (Catholic). Now that my sister and her husband are both dead, I wonder if I should tell their adult son. What do you think?
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