Annie's Mailbox®, June 20
by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: Two years ago, my then 15-year-old son was paralyzed in a diving accident. I am his primary caregiver. Make no mistake, I am not complaining about caring for my child. I would do anything for him.
The problem is, I can no longer go anywhere without taking my son, which means I don't go anywhere at all. Meanwhile, my husband goes out nearly every night to hang with his friends, go bowling or take in a baseball game. He doesn't think twice about leaving me home. It doesn't oc ...
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Posted by: Marie-Claude
Comment: #1
Mon Jun 22, 2009 2:08 PM
I think the woman taking care of her son wrote a one-sided letter. I think the father flees the house because he knows he is not welcome to help with the kid. The son is making all the shots and it has got to stop. This woman does need a break, so she should just confront her teenager and tell him so. Why is she a slave to her son? Perhaps guilt? over-protectiveness? In any case, if she wants a break, she will have to put her foot down, period. No one is holding a gun to her head. Just like the dad, she should make plans and stick to them.
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Posted by: Scott Kemp
Comment: #2
Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:21 AM
RE: The Dad that needs to help more with handicapped son!
My stepson had a Tramautic Brain Injury (Anuremism) at the age of 21, (He had been with "friends" and had taken multiple illegal drugs contributing to the injury). We were notified at 10 PM on a Sunday that our son was in the hospital 5 hours away from our house in critical condition and we should get there soonest. When we were allowed to see him 6 hours later he was hooked up from head to toe to all kinds of tubes and was in a coma. The imagery showed the entire left side of his brain full of blood. He was paralayzed from head to toe on the right side and due to a menegitis inection he lost his speech and took a bad brain hit. It is now 6 years later and he lives with us as his full-time care givers. To say the least, life sucks and it gets harder from there. The son learned to walk (w/ a limp) and speak some and takes care of his basic needs but it is terrible for him. His mother and I have given up on our marriage as it is too much. I have been there 24/7 less work and I am at my wits end and so is his mother. I guess my point is to the kids' mom is to let the husband go (as he has anyway) and get long-term care for the son. In the end she can't do it all and with the son in control of the sitation it will only get worse. I do feel sorry for this family and the 100's of others affected each day.
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Posted by: Ti
Comment: #3
Sat Jun 20, 2009 11:15 AM
I'm writing in response to "Frustrated Parents" who refuse to see their grandchildren because of the conditions of their home. Here's my advice - Take the grandchildren for an over-night or even the weekend. You might be surprised. As a mother of 2 special needs kids who work full time, I find that getting the children fed and cleanly clothed is all I can handle in a given day. Without outside support including the fact that others "can't handle my kids" I take make my priorities accordingly. I'm not proud of my house, but it's all I can do to keep myself together from day to day. I don't have a pet, but take look at the situation before being so judgemental. A little support instead of criticism may be just what they need to get things in order.
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Posted by: Susan Everett
Comment: #4
Sat Jun 20, 2009 9:41 AM
The letter from Wish I Could Turn Back Time in N.J. could have been written by a lot of women I know stuck at home 24/7 with a child (handicapped or not). My husband used to go off on little adventures and then come home later and tell me all about it. Not once did he ever ask me if I wanted to go along or how my day went. Finally, I was fed up with being the domestic goddess and took the keys as soon as he got home one day, pointed to the fridge and said "dinner is in there, I'll see you later" and then I left for some much needed time to myself. It did not take but a few times of bolting, for him to figure out that housework, childcare and general maintenance of a place take a lot more out of a person than going to an 8 hour job. Now when I say I need a break I get one. He has even volunteered a couple of times and helps out more.
I hope NJ will not have to resort to this (I'd like to think that not all men are thick headed), but if it comes down to her own sanity and health over his goodtimes - she should do it. Also, why doesn't dad take his son to the ball game or even bowling? I know they have spaces for the handicapped at all sports arenas and there are even handicapped bowling leagues. It would not hurt him to take his son with him and do a little male bonding.
- Been There
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Posted by: Susan Carter
Comment: #5
Thu Jun 25, 2009 10:39 AM
To Annie and Turn Back Time in N.J.
Ladies, you gave some good advice but didn't ask if maybe the husband is having a hard time dealing with having a special needs person in the house. Maybe he is afraid to help or needs to go to a counselor to deal with the fact that his son is now disabled. Mom could also check to find if the county or other agencies in their area pays to give full-time caregivers respite time (I take care of a special needs person to give her mother time away as a respite worker). She could check if someone else in her area has a special needs person that for a few hours they could watch each others person to give one of them time away. Also, she is still the mother and if she has someone willing to take care of her son if only to go to the store, she MUST tell her son it is for her good and his for her to get away by herself.
Good Luck
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