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When I got married the 2nd time, I had a shower in my husband's hometown, but I didn't want anybody in my family or circle of friends to feel obligated to get me another gift, since I'd had a nice shower the first time. My cousin insisted on giving me a shower, so I asked her to call it a "tea." One of my never-married aunts didn't get me anything, though she came. Now, she's 91, and I go see her every couple of weeks. I buy her Christmas and birthday gifts, run errands, help clean her apartment, take her places, etc. She never buys anybody a gift--hasn't since she was in her 50s. She's lucky to have my cousin and me to take care of her. I don't care how many times my nieces/nephews get married. I'll always give them something, because I love them. I hope the LW never gets old and needs help from this niece. The main reason I help my aunt is so that all her care doesn't fall on my cousin. I certainly don't feel like I owe her anything.

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LW2 should decline to go to her nieces shower. Wedding showers are not just about hoarding gifts. They are about wishing the couple well. It's apparent by the 'big deal' that this aunt does not wish her niece well at all. Her being there would just spread a gloom over the affair. If a family member of mine went through the hell of a divorce and were ready to try at happiness again, I'd be there with a $20 toaster or whatever else they asked for. Appropriate or not, would it really kill her to show support?

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Ben, Katie, Jan: I feel sorry for all of you. I've been married for almost 4 years, am pregnant with my first child and LOVE having sex. It doesn't even need to be romantic, a quicky in the morning before coffee is great too! I think people get married for the wrong reasons or they think they have to conform to some kind of prototype of what the husband and wife roles are. I recently went on vacation (with my mom) and asked my husband sweetly to make sure that if the prostitutes mess up the bed he should change the sheets. He then asked if the strippers can perform on the coffee table or in the kitchen. We joke around like this all the time because it's what healthy, well-adjusted, non-insecure people do in a relationship built on trust, respect and love. I got home from vacation and then the sheets got messed up! This is not about sex. It's about power. Women think if they hold off on sex, they can control their man. But then they wind up insecure and jealous because they fear the guy will roam. It's just plain silly. As for men, well, I don't know, I'm not a guy, I can't speak for them.

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Dressing sexy and cooking breakfast in the nude is one of those, "not in front of the kids" situations. Can they send the kids to Grandma's for the weekend every so often? And what kind of physical package is hubby bringing to the occasion?

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I've read dozens and dozens of letters just like LW3's. You know what the common death knell is? These six words: "After we married and had kids." Year after year, people just keep getting married and having kids, even though this is what it does to people. I am staying single (though in a LTR, and living separately) and got my tubes tied to keep precisely this kind of crap from happening to me. And people look at ME like I'M the crazy one.

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Exactly, Sarah. I think he also needs to consider WHY sex has become a chore for his wife. He's "tried" romancing -- but what exactly does that mean? If she's not ravishing him because he sent her a dozen roses, perhaps that means she's tired from parenting, work and household responsibilities. My guess is that he's done all the short-term stuff that's supposed to lead directly to the bedroom, but that there's long-term stuff, stuff like cleaning up after dinner, feeling like he LIKES her as a person rather than just a body, sharing jokes with her, giving her more time to herself if she needs it, that will make her feel more loving to him. This is stuff you can't do for an afternoon and see payoff that night.

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Just Waiting: You are definitely doing the right thing. The look on your wife's face when you leave her will be priceless. Women genuinely don't care if their husband's sexual needs are met or not. Here are a few pointers for you. You need to see a lawyer about how to structure your affairs for the upcoming divorce. Take all the vacations you want now. Fully mortgage up the house and spend the money. Most importantly, quit your job so she will have to pay you support. Also, never get married. It is the surest way for a woman to lose her sex drive.

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Ben, a little bitter, huh? Yes, there ARE two sides, and I have been on both. My marriage of 24yrs was hell. He wanted SEX all the time, but no time for lovemaking. I asked him to stay in the car and neck and send the kids in the house, too cold. Lets go away for a weekend, too expensive. Two kids, working as a nurse, house cleaning and SEX at 10pm without any kindness...THEN he goes after my girlfriends and FINALLY found one of his own! THANK GOD! Then my B/F, he had a bad back, a head ache, worry over his kids, allergies, or just something better on the computer or the TV!! Now I date, have fun and keep my eye out for 'someone special'. SEX can be very complicated and due to childhood issues or medical/physical/mental issues, it is amazing ANY couples can get along in that department!!

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For my second wedding I had a recipe shower, where everyone was asked to bring a favorite recipe to share with the bride. I didn't want anyone feeling obligated to bring gifts for a second wedding shower.

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Re: Marie-Claude --- I'm happy for you that you're enjoying your marriage. And you're right about the control issue with sex. It's certainly true that SOME women use it to control their husbands and that is definitely wrong. But as some of the posters here have pointed out, it isn't always about control. Sometimes it's about being dead tired after working at a job outside the home all day, coming home and doing the laundry, the housework, cooking and cleaning up, helping the kids with homework or driving them to school functions while a husband comes home and sits on his rear end watching tv and drinking a beer or two or more. Of course that's not every marriage. Sometimes the shoe is on the other foot. Sometimes it's about hormones (his or hers) or other medical problems. Sometimes it's about cheating or about some other problem that's keeping the couple apart. It's obviously not one thing that messes up every couple's sex life. Most of the couples having problems started out just fine but life's problems interfere. But learn from the letters and from the comments and don't take your own good relationship with your husband or your sex life for granted. I do wish you both a long and happy marriage. :-)

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Well, Just waiting....so sorry for you...and even sorrier for your wife. I "settled" for a man who was a lousy lover...but, he was a good person ( I thought) and had many good points. I married him...took on his debts, helped him with his looks like buying him a new wardrobe..and a good haircut and grooming...he was not handsome...I gave him everything...we had sex all the time..and I billed and cooed..telling him how wonderful he was...to build his self esteem...He never learned how to have good sex...he was clumsy, pinched and bruised and even cut me with his fingernails, each and everytime we had sex.....It got to the point that I hated having sex....it hurt !!! Well,, with all my help., waiting on him hand and foot..and building his self esteem...he started sleeping around....and sending women MY money... As soon as I found out...I certainly did stop sleeping with him....it took him about 2 years to move out after that...but, I did not know where "it" had been..and I was getting nowhere near him....A lot smarter...and poorer...I am free at last...I have to say...trying to please a man is the hardest work on earth..I am glad my stint at companionship is over....I will take my female buddies anytime...I will NEVER be that stupid again...When will men learn their happiness is their responsibility....not their wife's....