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Re: Joannakathryn. Ehhh...isn't "how both parties feel about it" precisely what separates consensual sex from rape?

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Re: Matt--Rape is about hurting and controlling somebody. Consensual sex is a mutual expression of love. A woman's body has to be ready, turned on, if you will, for sex to be pleasant and not painful. A loving partner knows this and works with her. Thankfully, I've never been raped, but I doubt most rapists engage in loving foreplay. Comparing rape to consensual sex makes my skin crawl.

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I think the issue with the "sleeping sex" is the fact that it bothers the wife. If the husband cares about her, he'll stop. I used to do this periodically with a girl I dated in college, but she didn't mind...kind of "wanted it" whenever she could get it. (The woman I'm with now, doesn't seem to appreciate this and so I do not do that to her.) Whether or not the husband can be criminally charged with anything is irrelevant to the relationship...the fact that the wife would even want to have him charged, is what raises the red flag. Loving partners avoid doing things which antagonize or annoy each other. I'm also concerned about the verbal (and especially the physical) altercations.

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I think the issue with the "sleeping sex" is the fact that it bothers the wife. If the husband cares about her, he'll stop. I used to do this periodically with a girl I dated in college, but she didn't mind...kind of "wanted it" whenever she could get it. (The woman I'm with now, doesn't seem to appreciate this and so I do not do that to her.) Whether or not the husband can be criminally charged with anything is irrelevant to the relationship...the fact that the wife would even want to have him charged, is what raises the red flag. Loving partners avoid doing things which antagonize or annoy each other. I'm also concerned about the verbal (and especially the physical) altercations.

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RE: JoannaKathryn I hope that I am not taking this too far off topic. Yes, I was raped. I only understand what my own feelings are with regard to it. I have spent many years in counseling to try to resolve these feelings. One of these is that I would possibly enjoy what I did during the rape if there were no weapons involved. Being a male and having been raped by males, I question how a female resolves this (healthily). Since I am neither homosexual or bisexual, I do not have to face this in my sex life. Not to say that it doesn't rear it's ugly head from time to time. My other issue is that when I tried calling Rape Crisis, I was met by some people that could not believe that a male had been raped. I was under the impression that this service was available to both sexes, and I sincerely hope that attitudes have changed since then. I was thankful that i was able to get services from other sources. Maybe I worded it poorly. I would assume that if this woman were to get back together with her husband, she would have to deal with some of the same feelings that I have, but have to confront them face to face. And Rape Crisis may not be the best place to deal with an "old" rape. Counseling needs to be dealt with very carefully - I am assuming that this event caused enough emotional damage that talking may have become difficult. Reaching out to a newspaper advice column is a good first step. It is apparent that there are a lot of options here, and to sort these out requires more knowledge than an untrained professional has. This letter hit a nerve with me. Although I could be considered an aggressor here, my own feelings relate more to the injured party. I know that these are my own conflicts, and I know where the mental health professionals are if I need them. What I was trying to get across to the letter writer was that sorting this out may not be easy, but I wish her the best in doing it.

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Well, I have "been there" as well. On the receiving end of accusations of infidelity when it was the farthest thing from my mind. I would be questioned for hours as to just what I had said to that 80 year old guy in a wheelchair who asked me a question. (!) Of course I defended myself and told him he was insecure! Trying to defend oneself is not "proof" of guilt. Eventually I had to divorce Mr Insecure to get some peace.

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As a retired sex crimes Det/Sgt in Wa. State I think your answer to D.D. will be incorrect in most states. I have no expertise with the other 49 states but logic usually prevails. Husband and wife have a civil contract, ie. wedding license and that has weight. Rape isn't legal in any state but ,"Lack Of Consent", absent force probably won't apply to Husband and wife. In Wa. State, Lack of Consent is third deg. rape and by law doesn't apply to married people. I'm not including valid court orders such as, "No contact, Protection Orders", etc. etc. She has had consentual sex with her husband a thousand times. The problem here isn't the sleeping sex. She is tired of him and wants out. This is what she should do.

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As a retired sex crimes Det/Sgt in Wa. State I think your answer to D.D. will be incorrect in most states. I have no expertise with the other 49 states but logic usually prevails. Husband and wife have a civil contract, ie. wedding license and that has weight. Rape isn't legal in any state but ,"Lack Of Consent", absent force probably won't apply to Husband and wife. In Wa. State, Lack of Consent is third deg. rape and by law doesn't apply to married people. I'm not including valid court orders such as, "No contact, Protection Orders", etc. etc. She has had consentual sex with her husband a thousand times. The problem here isn't the sleeping sex. She is tired of him and wants out. This is what she should do.

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As a retired sex crimes Det/Sgt in Wa. State I believe the answer given to D.D. ref. spousal rape/sexual assult is incorrect. I have no experience with the other 49 states but logic usually prevails. In Wa. third degree rape is, "Lack of Consent." Doesn't apply to married people. I'm not talking about exceptions such as valid court orders ie, No contact or protection orders, etc. etc. Seems this woman is tired of her marriage and needs an excuse to get out. She doesn't. Get out

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It can be OK to have sex with an unconscious spouse under certain conditions. One of those conditions would be that if you woke up, would you be OK with it? The answer to that is obvious from the letter. The difference between fantastic sex and rape is how both parties feel about it. Although my wife says she is OK with "sleeping sex", I will check with her before she goes to sleep to see if it is OK TODAY. More of a concern is that the communication has broken down. Forgetting is probably not possible, but forgiving can be worked towards. However, if there is an air of frustration or any multitude of negative feelings, forgiving can be extremely difficult. It is a long and difficult track to get the communications rebuilt. You alone must decide if you are willing to do that.

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Letter about sleeping sex: He is verbally abusive and you have had a couple of physical altercations. There is far more wrong than his having sex with you while you are asleep. He is verbally abusive and you have had physical altercations. Don't sleep with him again until you clear up those two problems. It isn't necessary to live that way. As for the suspicious fiance: how about the word "confronted." Perhaps she confronted him with anger and he got defensive. I can tell you that it is terrible living with someone who is jealous of you when you are totally innocent and helpful but also terrible to feel jealous. Some relationships aren't meant to be. If you are already having this much trouble - and feeling insecure and that your significant other doesn't take you feelings into consideration - will only be worse if you marry or stay together unless you work this out. Think of the toll on someone who "has to keep an eye on" someone they are living with.

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I bet LW1s situation is less about sex than it is about letting his wife know who has the power. I have seen how seriously long-term abusive relationships work and, aside from the big things, there are always little abuses. Things that make the abused feel weak and cheap. Stuff like waking up in the morning knowing that she has been 'used' whether she likes it or not. Whether it is an actual crime in her state or not, it is both cruel and creepy. Who cares what his family has to say. If you want a divorce, get a divorce. Get out now!

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LW1-this is called spousal rape. call the national rape crisis hotline. this also happened to me but I got married young and didn't know this was wrong. i put up with it for 12 years until i finally got out. there was no way to press charges because it couldn't be proved but i suffered for many years because of it. so please do not take this abusive piece of garbage back. keep away and get some counseling to recover and heal.

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LW1-this is called spousal rape. call the national rape crisis hotline. this also happened to me but I got married young and didn't know this was wrong. i put up with it for 12 years until i finally got out. there was no way to press charges because it couldn't be proved but i suffered for many years because of it. so please do not take this abusive piece of garbage back. keep away and get some counseling to recover and heal.

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LW1-this is called spousal rape. call the national rape crisis hotline. this also happened to me but I got married young and didn't know this was wrong. i put up with it for 12 years until i finally got out. there was no way to press charges because it couldn't be proved but i suffered for many years because of it. so please do not take this abusive piece of garbage back. keep away and get some counseling to recover and heal.

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Why don't you just put"Get Counseling" at the top of your column's. It's all you ever recommend. I have a hangnail---"get counseling"----I had a dream last night---"talk to a counselor". Really, it's getting OLD.

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Re: Mike-->>The difference between fantastic sex and rape is how both parties feel about it.<< I can't believe you just said that. You have no idea what being raped is like if you believe that.