Join the Discussion

Reply
Report this post

krisw, I know a lot of people refer to anyone who works for them as a 'boy' or a 'girl' regardless of their age - especially if they are in menial positions (i.e, checkout girl, stock boy). I find myself in the habit of calling anyone more than ten years younger than me 'kid' even if they are adults. I am guessing this is what is happening here. Or maybe I am hoping. -- Assuming the lover is an adult, I think the wife needs to treat this as a betrayal, no matter who he is cheating with. She may love Jonas, but she can't change him. And I doubt counseling is going to help. She needs to get out now unless she wants to live like a nun while her husband has affairs. Or worse, brings her home a souvenir of one of his trysts.

Reply
Report this post

LW1. I'd love to be that simple. It would be a sort of bliss. "Could he be homosexual?" I nearly spit coffee all over the keyboard. DUH!

Reply
Report this post

Please, PLEASE tell this woman to get out NOW! I was married 13 years to a man to continually told me my suspicions were "all in my head." I was 19 when I met my husband, a virgin and from a very strict Catholic Family. My instinct, that I did NOT listl listen to back then, always told me SOMETHING was not right. I even almost called off my wedding the night before, but couldn't due to embarassment, fear that I was wrong, and I didn't want to upset everyone else. So...we married, I was very much in love with my husband, but again that nagging feeling (women's intuition) told me something was wrong. Long story short, I found "love letters" from men describing in great detail what they did together. I was in shock, heartbroken and yet relieved that what I suspected all along was NOT just in my head. The betrayal and pure anger were beyond my comprehension. He then told me it was MY problem, that since I wanted to know the details (to know what I was in for), he started bringing his lover home; my daughter at the age of 6 walked in on them kissing. That realization, that it is just not sex, but that they really feel love (lust?) for each other is what made me realize it was not the life for me. No STRAIGHT man just happens to have sex with another man. Maybe as teenagers and "experimenting," but even then, if that is their feeling, it is NOT going to go away. As hurtful as it is, "Distraught and in Love" needs to get out now. After 23 years, I still have issues after years of therapy; I just cannot trust a man again. What my husband did caused so much damage, just because HE was afraid to come out of the closet. I was his cover and yes, maybe he did love me some, but not the way a woman deserves to be loved. We were more like brother and sister and for YEARS I kep wondering what was wrong with me. I then realized I could have been the most beautiful woman in the world and it would not have mattered. If he is bisexual or whatever he wants to call him self, my experience has been that he would PREFER men over women no matter what. So, please, please, get counseling and start a new life before it is too late and you get some terrible disease. All my events happened in 1984, when AIDS was just "coming out." My husband told me at the time the media was just blowing it all out of proportion and that it was NOTHING to be afraid of. When his one lover died of AIDS, I think he finally knew how serious it was. He told me many things about the gay life and how they pick each other up...more than I probably should have known, but I HAD to know to realize it was not for me. He had no right to lie to me for years...if she caught "Jonas" once, believe me, it was not the first time. GET OUT; it will be painful, but life does go on.

Reply
Report this post

Re: Susan Ollan---I'm so sorry that you went through that. Unfortunately, there are still people who think that being gay is something that is chosen and that gays can be cured. My response to people like that--would you want your daughter to marry a "cured" gay person? If they are honest, the answer is no.

Reply
Report this post

re: response to Distraught . Are you kidding me? Jonas is not only disloyal to his marital relationship, bisexual (it doesn't sound like that was part of the intimate conversations in your marriage), but wait a minute, is he a pedophile and a child molester and should be immediately reported to the police? She called him a "boy"! Distraught, you are being controlled in a very unhealthy situation and men like this don't change. Your self-esteem is already showing signs of illness in that you took the guest room. It would be better for you to set his belongings out the door, change the locks and file for divorce with a restraining order. Staying with someone like this is the WORST of scenarios! Your husband is taking control of how this matter is handled. He wants to ignore it in hopes it ‘goes away'. It is your job to address it. Change counselors to someone with experience in pedophilia or sexual misconduct. Jonas should be answering to the police for having sexual relations with a boy he hired. The State would come in and fine your business or worse if this “boy” reported this to the police. There are sexual harassment laws and these are very serious allegations!!! Did I mention, get a trusted lawyer?! Not just anyone but again, someone with the skills to match the need. God speed dear woman. You've got a serious situation in your hands. The two of you have been over-loading your schedules and in his case that has been an escape from the marriage. Your husband did not develop feelings for young males in the past few months, this has been part of his troubled life! This is a concise message that he is NOT satisfied in the marriage and due to the severity of the situation, indicates that Jonas has major problems beyond the typical mid-life crisis. You are feeling the need to forgive him as a priority. Never get so interested in rejection that you forget to want. You married because that was how to arrive at your goals. That is no longer the same with Jonas and I have complete reservation that it ever was the same for him. Forgiving him is what needs to happen later. You can put that on the shelf for now. Right now you need to feel the way you do to motivate you to act on the events that have just transpired. You can feel okay even though things are the way they are. Then you will be able to come up with better strategies for dealing with the present. Withdrawing into the guest bedroom says you are backing off to him. Now is the time to stand up to his unacceptable behavior, sending the message that you will not tolerate it. He went to two sessions of therapy and now shrugs off the guilt. When someone realizes they have a problem, they go to great lengths to find someone out there that is capable of helping. You are doing that. That's great. He, on the other hand, is nothing like you. There isn't anyone out there that is successful in curing this type of behavior because the offender is so hardened they won't receive it. Act on this as though no miracle will happen. Wishful thinking in this marriage is a pipe dream. This is the wrong time to wait for a change. I hope you find help for YOU!

Reply
Report this post

Talk about a visual that I didn't need to have presented in the middle of my dinner. Yeech. This column should come with a warning label or something.

Reply
Report this post

Re: stardoggedmoon Ooooh, but the letter was so shockingly graphic.... why, the writer actually used the term "having sex!" This phrase paints an incredibly vivid picture, leaving nothing to the imagination. I'm surprised that language like this is allowed on the Internet.

Reply
Report this post

Re: Matt: Sorry that anything other than heteronormalcy makes you spill your dinner. It must really suck to have such a sensitive, bigoted stomach.