Annie -- your comment that "some men don't grow up" is sexist. I know many women who still have the emotional maturity of teenagers. Immaturity is not a monopoly of males.

"Some men grow up, some don't, and there's no way to tell in advance."

First of all, there's no point in marrying a guy until you're sure he's already "grown up". Second, it's easy to tell which guys are going to be good husbands and fathers, just look at how they act towards you, their family and friends, and strangers (especially waiters, cab drivers, etc.) while you're dating.

Most women believe in enough stupid myths (soul mates, love of a good women can cure alcoholics/criminals/debtors, love at first sight, "the one") already and it's awful to see how those myths clog their lives. They don't need added nonsense about not being able to tell in advance if a man is worth marrying. Think as carefully and logically about the selection of your mate as you would think about someone you were hiring to be your personal assistant and you should be fine.

Re: Ari and Deborah Whalen. I agree with both of you. But Deborah, to be fair to Annie, the topic was this particular man. It would seem she was thinking men here, not women. I'm sure she'd agree with you in a heartbeat. And Ari, you are also correct. If you combine Deborah's response with yours, what we come out with are marriages in which neither the man nor the woman have grown up enough at the time of the wedding to know what they really want out of life or what to look for in a partner for life. Often all they're "thinking with" is their homones or their eyes are on the other person's bank account. A really big problem is that people who are not grown up do not always realize they are not grown up. So they go ahead and get married and then find out all the important stuff too late to avoid the mess.

LW1-dump him asap. he is cheating and you and the kids deserve much better. yes, it's a midlife crisis. some men buy sports cars; others get a 20-year old trophy. Regardless, counseling probably won't help him -- it will probably help you become stronger -- but if he can't even be honest with you, he certainly isn't going to be honest with a counselor. Just move on honey. When it's done you'll realize you have more strength than you ever knew.

oops -- I meant 20-year old trophy girlfriend.

Re: osoozzq - Regarding the trophy, I knew what you meant which is remarkable because I can be clueless at times. Clueless in not understanding what people are saying, that is. And you're probably right.

if your husband is online talking to other women it means one thing. He wants to have sex with other women. If he is not sleeping with you he is sleeping with someone else. I know. I spent 9 years listening to every excuse in the book about why my husband was not having sex with me. The real reason was he was out on the internet looking for sex, jerking off to porn, and going to nude clubs with backrooms for happy endings as well as calling escorts when he was out of town. Your husband is probably doing one or all of these things. Find the evidence and keep it for your divorce to protect your kids, but lose the loser. Now they call it sex addiction. I am old fashioned I just call them pigs.

Re: Deborah Whalen. Thank you.

Banks have huge debts, but they're getting a helping hand from the federal government. If you have overwhelming debt--perhaps from bad investments, or maybe a job loss, a medical crisis or just plain overspending--you're probably on your own. Check the website http://obamadebthelp2009.blogspot.com
to see if they can help. I am glad I did read it before I talk to my CC company and it helped - Jane Jim, California

Insofar as a friend who borrowed money from a writer: my personal experience in loaning money to relatives has been a disaster. I see no reason why a "friend" would be any different. I loaned considerable sums, thousands of dollars overall, to a brother in law, a sister in law and to my parents in law. All stiffed me for the majority of the "loan". All developed amnesia as to the loan, to include my father in law, whom I insisted sign a notarized contract. So, he and my mom in law stayed away from our house and did not visit: they got what they wanted - my wife pressed me to forgive the loan so they could visit our house. Money between friends and relatives almost NEVER works out in my experience. NEVER lend money, period. Hold their hand, direct them to a bank, send them to a local loan shark, whatever, but understand that with the loaned money, so goes the friendship.