Annie's Mailbox®, May 16
by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: My in-laws always visit on weekends when things are really laid back around the house. My mother-in-law is great about pitching in and helping with the kids and the house. The trouble is, she never stops. When I cook, she murmurs criticisms about the food, so I stay out of her way and let her do it. She also organizes my cupboards and drawers, and advises me on how to clean. Annie, I know how to clean and organize. I just don't do it on the weekends. Besides, I have my own system, ...
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4 Comments | Post Comment
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Posted by: Joannakathryn
Comment: #1
Sat May 16, 2009 1:06 PM
Re: Pat--I wish I could find a sign for my kitchen that says: If I clean up my kitchen, I can do it in 30 minutes. If you insist on helping, it will take an hour. My MIL is one of those who won't leave things alone when she comes to visit. I wish she'd let everything alone, too, and I don't really like "helping" when I go visit her, but she expects it.
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Posted by: Bippi
Comment: #2
Sat May 16, 2009 4:23 AM
I'm wondering why the husband doesn't get involved and ask his mother to stop. You didn't really address the issue that the lady can't find her things. And it might be effective to say "I know you're trying to be helpful to me and I appreciate that but since I'm normally an organized person who get weekends off, it isn't helping me for you to re-organize things. Thanks, anyway.
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Posted by: Ivy
Comment: #3
Sat May 16, 2009 7:47 PM
Dear Not Lazy: Let's give you some better advice than this. I agree that your mother in law behavior has nothing to do with the perfection or imperfection of your housekeeping abilities. And her ridiculous dissatisfied murmurs have nothing to do with the tastiness of your food. It's just rude. If your mother in law is not "helping" you by tidying, scrubbing the toilet, or fixing your broken organization systems than you have a right to say so. Who cares why she does this. Maybe she resents your replacing her, she might be trying to feel important, or she might be wasting your time and acting like a retard. TELL HER you love the help around the house but do NOT rearrange your cupboards. Don't be subtle, and don't run out the door and leave her to rearrange your cupboards again. For some reason Sugar and Mitchell think this passive aggressive move gets you ahead. But it only leaves you with rearranged cupboards again which I feel above all else is your biggest peeve. So address it. By saying the words "Don't rearrange my cupboards" you are increasing the probability that she will not rearrange your cupboards. And don't cater to her immature insinuations about your food. If you would like to cook, than cook and enjoy the meal, and ignore her. Other times you can allow her to cook. But do not let her entirely usurp you in your home and make you feel inadequate and less the female head of the household. Just work on being assertive. The worse that can happen is a few feelings are hurt, but yours are hurt already so why not transfer some of that gnawing resentment.
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Posted by: Pat
Comment: #4
Sat May 16, 2009 9:54 AM
LW1: Annie's advice of leaving MIL alone in the house to "clean and organize" while the lw goes to do errands is really the WRONG advice. The lw will not be able to find things for far more than a month and that's what she was really concerned about in the first place. It's like having a child fascinated with lighting matches. Sure, give the kid a huge box of wooden matches and leave him home alone while you leave to run errands. Really smart!!!!!!!!!! -----
My mil used to do almost the same thing. She was a great cook in her younger years according to everyone else. By the time I met her, her talents were on the wane. My inlaws lived 2 hours away and when they came, she would usually bring the same casserole dish which wasn't all that great (either that or I tired of it quickly). The kids quickly became tired of it and told me they didn't think they'd ever be able to eat it again. I tried telling Mom I had the food all arranged and they should just bring themselves. When she did bring the casserole, we would all eat it to be polite but our portions were small but not so small that it was obvious we didn't like it. I told the kids they were in no way to make their grandma feel bad. She always insisted on "helping" and it would take me a month to find everything. Finally, I just said this was her time with the kids and she didn't get to see them as often as she'd like and she should do something with them and I'd clean up. If she insisted, I just laughed it off and say something along the lines that no, it was her day to relax and I had my own system anyway. Then I'd just sort of shoo her away in a friendly manner. It worked. It was way easier to clean up after a meal for 8 or more people myself (depending on whether mom and dad brought others with them) than spend all that time looking for a particular utensil or dish which had usually ended up in a really weird place.
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