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Re: Bonnie--If I had a sister, I'd swear she was you! Your parents sound like mine. When they meet new people, there's nothing they wouldn't do for them. My father slobbers all over everybody, especially unattractive women, so they think he's wonderful. At home, however, it was a different story. Physical and emotional abuse was common. Finally, after years of putting up with it for my mother's sake, I cut off contact with them to save my own sanity. And yes, I go to church. I can forgive, but I won't go back for more. My mother tries to justify the abuse by saying, "He only did it because he loved you." BS! That's a typical abuser's excuse. "Honor thy parents" means that you don't abandon them to die, not that you have to put up with their abuse for the rest of their lives. I've had people tell me that "life is too short," and my response is: "Yes, I agree with you. Life IS too short to put up with somebody who thinks it's okay to be mean to you."

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Something doesn't add up? What was the final action that the daughter felt was worth breaking ties with her mother?; How does the mother know what the daughter talked to the girlfriend about? If the daughter is crazy then why wouldn't her brother tell is GF that she s lying? Last time I checked a GF doesn't believe a BF's sister over her BF? Looks like a divorce was part of the scenario which means that there is much much more to this story than the writer is telling. I think she needs to go back to therapy because last time I checked therapists don't make accusations without meeting the people, and they don't call people names but call there actions inappropriate.

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Another 'innocent' grandmother that did nothing wrong, sorry, I do not buy it. I would bet that the grandmother is the narcissitic, not the daughter. Narcs are great at rewriting history and forgetting things they did when it is convenient for them. So the daughter convinced his brother's gf not to talk to the grandparents, that is BS! Nobody cuts anybody off or stops talking to them without a good reason and out of the blue. Again, something does not add up, and I would love to hear this story from the daughter's point of view.

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Whatever the real story is, I don't know, but about accusations, lies and whispers: they must be confronted. One of the easiest ways to discredit someone is to start a whisper campaign. Many an innocent life has been smeared or ruined in this way. Although we all know we should go to the source and find information first hand, although we all know that gossip is toxic and suspect, the seed of doubt is planted. The only way I know to mitigate the damage is to air out the story. If you are the target, do not cry, plead, or act pitiful. Let people know individually, calmly, and firmly that it's simply not true, and you hope the listener will come to you for clarification rather than heed rumors. Avoid vilifying the gossiper, for that is only more fuel for gossip.

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Bonnie, you may be right. My mom was physically and emotionally abusive, and, when my therapist advised me to set some limits and put some distance between us when I was an adult, she told everyone she knew how cruel I was being. One of her friends was not fooled (he'd known us all for years) and confronted her. She apologized to me and my siblings, tearfully, and we had a good discussion about it. A year later, she was back to denying it had ever happened again and berating us for our selfishness!

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Regarding LW3: By now we should all know that the words "caveat emptor" apply to prescription medicines if they apply to any purchase. I'm reminded of a situation when my cat developed neurological problems after using a common flea treatment. I contacted the manufacturer, and the rep said "We've NEVER heard of anything like this!" When I told my sister about it, she said "Don't you remember? That happened to 'Onyx.' And I reported it." After going on line, I found hundreds of accounts. Most of them said they reported it to the manufacturer. All who did said they were told, "We've NEVER heard of anything like this!" Companies, even pharmaceutical companies, are in business to make a profit first. It is a rare (and commendable) company that will proactively recall a product when the problem reports first start coming in.

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Re: sarah stravinska -- That may well be true. If the lw IS one of those toxic relatives, the daughter may feel she is protecting her children. However, if this is the case, she's going about it the wrong way. She should be having those letters, cards, and packages "returned to sender" so the lw will know what's going on and that the kids aren't just being ill-mannered in not replying. Perhaps the daughter feels that her actions further protect the children by not giving Grannie an excuse to try to reach the kids through other means. But I think the kids will eventually find out that Grannie has been sending them things and the kids will resent their mom for not giving them the items.

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Annie, thanks for putting a name on this disorder. I went on-line to learn more about it. My dear friend is in a similar relationship with her daughter, and several of us thought her daughter had a mental problem. Hers is not the only case in our community where adult children have nothing to do with their parents. All of these parents are model citizens and well-educated people with Christian backgrounds in which they raised their children. Some of those children even attend church as if they harbor no ill feelings for their parents. Barring abuse from one or both parents with the knowledge of the other, such alienation would seem highly irrational. I can only think the cliche "what goes around, comes around" would be most appropriate in these cases. However, the NPD person would not consider that, as parents themselves, they are the greatest teacher of their children. They are modeling how parents should be treated and can only expect the same treatment from their own.

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Re: KPW Confused and sad. My sister broke off contact with the family and in doing so, said some horrible things about each of us. I know that she's angry about her own stuff but I don't know what it is and can't do anything to make her rage go away. It took time to accept it but I have and I feel fine about my input into her life. I love her. I try to focus on our lives when we were young and happy together. Every year I send her birthday and Christmas cards. Originally I did it in the hopes that she would respond but she hasn't. After a lot of thinking, I recognized that I would now do it for me, not for her. I don't know if she opens them or bins them but no matter what, I feel better for trying to bridge the gap. If it makes YOU feel better, do it for yourself. Open your heart and let that goodness out. The end result is that you know that you are putting good out into the world.

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Carla, I am so sorry you have to go through that, but your mother's behaviour does not surprise me at all (sadly). My own mother and father are narcs and in their mind, they were (and are) the greatest and best parents in the world, but the truth is that they were awful, abused me emotionally (a parent should never tell a kid that they are wothless and they are ashamed of them everyday, amongst other weird disfunctional behaviour). In their minds, their behaviour is normal and everybody goes through the same childhood, so it is not abuse. That also stood out for me from the post, the grandmother is denying the abuse and disregarding her daughter's feelings as if they mean nothing and the daughter imagined the whole thing, that is not a good sign of a mother that is concerned for her daughter and try to make the relationship work, the grandmother is only concerned for her own reputation and how she is perceived. If the lw's brother's gf does not want to talk to her (lw), it is not the daughter's fault, the gf may have seen something wrong with lw's behaviour. The daughter cannot stop the gf from talking to the grandmother, that is a decision that the gf has made as an adult and the lw is unable to see that.

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Apologies for my typos, it is dysfunctional ;D

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Dorothy, My own parents have two faces: the PUBLIC one: they are great, lovable, they help everybody, they are a pleasure to deal with, the best friends in the world always smiling and laughing, etc... basically, the model citizen, they behave as people expect them to behave. The PRIVATE one (only reserved for when they are not in public and nobody can see them, only their kids/close family): the child is not good enough, the child embarrasses them, what will people think if the child does not dress/do/behave as they want, what have the parents done to deserve such a problematic child, the child is the one creating the problems and the parents are always the victims, they have no fault whatsoever in everything, the problem is always created by somebody else (they are the master of excuses). I am afraid you have seen only the public face of your neighbour, not the other one. Do not be tricked by that. If you treat your children well, they will not turn against you. You reap what you sow.

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Abusers always claim they are innocent. It's part of the abuse, trying to make the victim look like they are crazy! My own parents abused me horribly. Surprisingly, they admit it to me . But of course they deny it to everybody else and everybody else goes along with it because it's easier than believing me. My father is a nasty piece of work to everybody, btw, so why is it so hard to believe he was nasy to me? Just the way that lady started her letter "My daughter has decided to estrange herself from me" spoke volumes. She sounded invalidating and condescending. That poor girl. It sounds like she is much better off without her family, as am I. And I think it's the mother who is a narcissist! They always play the victim and they love to gaslight people.

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Re: Joannakathryn Hello, sister! "My mother tries to justify the abuse by saying, "He only did it because he loved you."" Yes, I have heard the excuse before: We do this because we love you, I am your mother, I know what is best for you, the most important thing in life is family, if you only did what I told you to do, we would be very happy, blah blah blah. If only my parents could say: "I am sorry for belittling you all your life, it will not happen again, please forgive me", I would try to mend the relationship, but nooooooooo! Theyloooooooove me! I should be grateful theyt think so much of me and what to do with my life! (read the last part in a very sarcastic way). Yes, life is too short and I want to live it my way.

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RE: LW3- I have a family history of high cholesterol... I followed the doctor's diet recommendations but my cholesterol didn't come down, so I was put on statin drugs. I never liked the side effects- restless leg syndrome, increased pain, poor sleep, brain fog, etc... My doctor attributed the symptoms to my fibromyalgia... yes, those are symptoms of fibromyalgia, but they got worse when taking statin drugs. I went on-line to research, and at dearpharmacist.com I found out that statin drugs are "drug muggers" and can deplete the body of needed nutrients and cause side effects. Sadly, doctors just want to prescribe another drug to counter act the effects of the first drug... I continued my research and found another website that recommended an eating plan that omits sugars, grains and some other things from your diet... I started following that eating plan in February and stopped taking the statin drugs (my doctor was aware of the changes I made) When I had my cholesterol checked in April, my total cholesterol and LDL were down over 40 points and my triglycerides were down 67 points. There is a lot of controversy about the benefits of statin drugs. Everybody reacts differently to them... but it is our responsibility as consumers to let our doctors know how they affect us. Be proactive. Do your own research and keep telling your doctor that you don't like the side effects and you need to come up with an alternate treatment plan.

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'confused and sad' may be sending cards and gifts to the grandchildren, but they may not be getting them! Her daughter may well be intercepting them.