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Re: Pat. There's a world of difference between a 13 year-old messing with a 5 year old and two teenagers having sex. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter with her cousin, but this is completely different. The 13 year-old said he had known about his sexual orientation since the age of 11, not that he started having sex at 11. It is possible to be aware of a certain attraction for the same /opposite sex without having sex or sexual encounters. I knew I liked boys at the age of 6 because I had a crush on a boy in my kindergarten class. And the 16 year old is ripe for sexual experimentation. Not all kids start having those hormones at the same age. To clear up matters, a frank talk should be had with both boys on seperate ocassions to make sure this is not a case of abuse. But I highly doubt it is. just my two cents. And by the way Moon, thanks for your support, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks abuse is not the case here.

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The girl who received the iTunes gift card may have received stolden merchandise. If the card had been used, then it would've shown a $0 balance. Many stores (Target, Walmart) display unloaded cards at the check-out line as well as other locations in their stores. If a card is stolden, it has no value unless it is loaded by the cashier. When a card is paid for, the purchaser keeps the receipt for proof in case of card malfunction. Gifting a "dead" card and then claiming no receipt sounds like mother didn't have the money for it or didn't care. Bill

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Re: Marie-Claude --- You may be right that the encounters may not have started at age 11, but we don't know. And if they did, the neighbor was 14 and may have seen some "hero" worship from a younger boy and took advantage of that. Or it may not have started at that age. The parents need to be notified and someone needs to talk to both boys - probably separately as you said. I just don't agree that a child is not capable of abuse. My nephew was a year younger than this neighbor would have been if the encounters started two years previously. And if that's the case, I suspect that the neighbor had also been abused and that aspect needs to be investigated on his behalf. [I strongly suspect that my b-i-l's ex-wife may have abused her sons, but I have no proof and no one wanted to listen to me about that. She used to buy her boys clothes that looked "sexy" (her words and the clothes were rather sexually suggestive) when they were young and her husband had caught her cheating with a teenager - hence the divorce.] The situation here may be as you believe - teenager experimentation. But how would you feel about a 16 year old boy sneaking off with your 13 year old daughter to have sex? In either scenario, it needs to be dealt with.

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Re: Pat--At 18, I think the police should have been called on this kid. And I hope the church he attends is aware of his tendencies, because he may be setting himself up to prey on kids at the church. Pedophiles are good at putting themselves into situations where they are around the kids they're attracted to.

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You should have told LW1 that for his own legal protection and because it's the right thing to do, he does have to tell the boy's mother. With just one word out of context, this scenario can so easily come back and bite him. It may result in a loss of their relationship for a while, but if his sister found out that such a huge secret was kept from her, she would rightfullly never trust him again.

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Yes, LW1 should speak to his nephew's mother for the reasons listed above, but there are other concerns as well. The 13 year-old has not "had sexual encounters" with a male neighbor - he has been sexually abused. The nephew's belief that he had had homosexual urges since age 11 may be when the abuse began. At this young age, abuse can result in a distorted view of one's own sexuality. It has certainly resulted in inappropriate sexual expression, leaving the nephew in danger of seeking gratification with more dangerous individuals. The mother should seek counseling for her son, and avoid panic over the boy's sexual orientation. She should seek legal counsel, and prohibit contact with the male neighbor. She may want to press charges - this individual will probably seek out other boys besides the nephew.

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Re: Pat Excuse me, but how do you agree "that the "encounters" (or abuse) with the neighbor boy probably started when the nephew was around 11" since we have NO information about it? It's just as likely that they started when he was 13 and the neighbor was still 15. At that age and with those hormone levels unless it was coerced (unlikely considering how he told his uncle about it) then it wasn't abuse. More likely he's just now exploring these things. Re: your own personal experience with pedophilia (and anyone going after a five year old is a pedophile, unlike those targeting young adults) that is an ENTIRELY different story.

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Re: K. Morgan: Were it a 28-year old man instead of a 16-year old teenager, then I could assume the same as you. However, these are two teen-age kids, one at 13 and the other at 16, neither one is adult. There is a possibility that the older teen coherced the younger one into having sexual relations, but abuse is a far cry. Sexual orientation is something one feels at a very young age, so I would not confuse the 13 year-old's awakening sexual orientation as abuse. You are right that abuse does confuse the afflicted, but in this particular case, I don't think the circumstances are the right ones to call this abuse. I would advise the uncle to speak with his nephew and tell him he must break the promise he'd made and for which reasons. Atleast the nephew will know ahead of time and will not feel as betrayed. Then the uncle should speak with his sister and let her handle the rest herself. It is her child, not his. However, he should try to stay close to his nephew in case the teen may need to speak to someone again. The mother may not be as understanding to this as the uncle has been thus far. Not everyone is open or educated properly concerning homosexuality.

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Re: Marie-Claude, It's so nice to see someone else who realizes that not all sexual encounters of the young are abuse. If it was mutual exploration that is not the same as abuse, and shouldn't be treated as such. They need education, they need to learn about how to have safer sex, and probably should be waiting to indulge themselves, but what they do not need is to go through bs with the local justice system over what are after all, natural urges.

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Re: Marie-Claude --- I agree to an extent. It is possible for "children" to abuse other children. We discovered my husband's brother's 13 year old son with his hands in our 5 year old daughter's pants when we were staying at my husband's parents' house. My fil just told the boy to keep to girls his own age. Great advice for a 13 year old found sexually fondling a 5 year old. __ :( __ He supposedly saw a therapist, but he tried the same thing 5 years later with our younger daughter who'd just turned 5. We hadn't allowed him at our home all those years and the first thing he did when he did come with my in-laws and his dad was to try to manuever our little girl into a dark corner and put his hands in her pants. We'd noticed how close he tried to sit next to her so one or the other of us had him in our sights at all times and that's why we caught him. He lived with his mom about 3 hours away and my in-laws lived 2 hours away; so we really just didn't see him that often and my in-laws knew better than to come visit us when the boy was with them. Anyway, he's supposedly found God and is a born again Christian. He has apologised to my older daughter but not the younger. I still wouldn't let him near my granddaughter unless I were personally by her side like glue. ---------- I would suggest that the lw inform not only his sister but the parents of the 16 year old. I agree with Morgan that the "encounters" (or abuse) with the neighbor boy probably started when the nephew was around 11 and he needs counseling. No one should flip out over the possibility of his being gay. That isn't something they can or should try to change. They need to concentrate on the abuse because that's what it is regardless of the age or intent of the neighbor. The thing no one else has mentioned is that the neighbor is very possibly also a victim of abuse from another source. This needs to be addressed. By the way, I would say the same thing if it were a boy and girl combination, not just because it's a homosexual thing here.

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Kathy and Marcy have missed the boat by also not considering that a thirteen year old boy is still making decisions about his life and is not necessarily established as "gay." Instead of only directing the uncle to pflag.org, a decidedly pro-homosexual organization, they should include and also direct him to http://www.lovewonout.com/, a website that gives information on overcoming homosexuality. Experts at "love won out" have concluded that homosexuality is not necessarily a permanent "condition," but may be overcome.

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This letter struck a strong cord with me. Whether or not the other boy is 16, it's still rape. I think the nephew should see a counselor as I view the contact as abuse and molestation; there's not a lot a difference between this story and an older boy coercing a 11-14 year old girl. It's not normal for the boy to be trying to attempt sexual contact with the uncle plus I think the uncle is exposing himself to future allegations by not insisting that the boy speak to a professional. If the nephew truly ends up being gay, ok, but the choice has been taken away from him, and it doesn't sound as though he's being exposed to a normal maturation process. I think it's likely that the other boy has either been molested himself or is just indulging in his power.

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I apologize if this entry is duplicated. This story struck a strong cord with me as I view it as rape. The uncle is exposing himself to allegations if he doesn't insist on the boy speaking to a counselor about the molestation and abuse. I don't believe it's normal for someone that age to be attempting sexual acts on another person unless they are looking for something - love and attention, some other rewards, trained behavior, whatever. If the boy speaks to a professional and eventually decides he is gay, ok, but currently the choice has been taken from him. It's not really different than girls who have been trained from a young age that they are sexual objects, and that is their only value.

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I think what bothers me the most is that nobody has even suggested simply getting that 13-year-old some professional help. He's sick. He's a mixed-up little pervert who's already been running around trying to sodomize men. And yeah, the uncle needs to spill the beans to the kid's mother and probably not allow any more sleepovers for awhile. To be alone with this kid is to open the door to some wild allegation of abused. The whole situation is just yeeech.

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I totally agree with Pat. Maybe the boy is just a typical adolescent, full of urges, who happens to have come to the realization that he is gay. However, there are many red flags about his behavior. A healthy 13 year old who has reached puberty should realize that sexual activity between relatives is extremely inappropriate, and even that crawling into someone's bed and touching them uninvited is also extremely inappropriate. The fact that "Hayden" can't respect these boundaries suggests that someone has failed to respect them with him. Also, "Hayden" said he'd been sexually active since he was 11, and talked about sex with a 16 year old. Did this happen when he was 11? If so, I call that molestation. No healthy 16 year old wants sex with an 11 year old. The bottom line: If I discovered that my 13 year old son was sexually active with another 13- or 14 year old, I'd would talk to him about homosexuality, let him know it was fine with me if he was gay, counsel him about the consequences of having sex and the ways it makes people vulnerable, let him know that sexual activity is best confined to loving committed relationships between adults, and tell himI thought he was too young for sex at that time. If I discovered that my 13 year old son was sexually active with an 18 year old of either gender, and had been since he was 11, I'd be talking to the police.

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Re: julia I agree wholeheartedly with Julia. For several reasons the mother should be told -- one to protect the adult -- what if the boy later accuses the uncle of inappropriate behavior? The damage that would do to the family would be terrible. Also, for the boy's sake, if he is impulsive, or immature enough to do this with his uncle, what happens when he tries it with a friend or a younger boy? He needs counseling -- it's a tough time and the last thing he would need would be to be charged with a sex crime. My son got involved in looking at child porn (teen porn) at about this age and I knew nothing about it. It came to light only after he was in so deep that it has now cost him 5 years of his life (mandatory sentence if the feds are the ones to bring charges) and demolished the goals he had already been on the path to accomplishing. This young boy could end up in a similar situation if he doesn't learn to control impulses --Any one over the age of 18 these days who is accused and convicted of any sexually based crime ends up on a registry! The boy needs help and the uncle needs to make sure he doesn't end up being accused of something he didn't initiate or want.