I love how when it's the woman who doesn't want sex with the husband, Annie's gals make sure it's clear that it's the husband's job to bend over backward trying to help out more, appreciate his wife more, and generally kiss her fanny in order to get the occasional sex. When the husband isn't interested, it means he has a medical problem, he's asexual or he's gay. What? Maybe his wife is a needling witch 90% of the time and the thought of having sex with her makes him cringe. Or, maybe the lack of sex over a period of years has made things awkward (like kissing his sister!) In any case, it's unfair of Annie's gals to simply assume the burden is on the husband to "fix this."

If the husband in your first section has started taking high blood pressure medecine, he would experience a decrease in desire and performance and not even know why. He seems about the right age. If his wife could mention the problem in a kind way, he could tell his primary care and get Viagra.
I think you have missed the boat. Anne Landers would recommend 40 lashes with a wet noodle.
Larry

i wonder if the answer would be the same if the rolls were reversed? would annie state that the wife is having an affair,asexual, or she is gay ?i think not. more likely annie would say that the man needs to pay moree attention to his spouse, he works too much, etc.it would be his fault. being a man and talking to men all my life , i can tell you that 90 percent of the time it is the wife that doesnt want sex, and not like this story. men are easy to read. im hungry, im horny , im tired. period.

LW1: Regardless of whether it's the husband or wife who is having difficulty with participating in sex, the couple should discuss the problem first. Then the person who is "holding back" on having sex should see his or her doctor for a complete check up. I believe there are medications that may help with the problem, but as one poster commented, there are medications that the person may be taking for another condition that may actually be causing the problem with sex. In any case, if the doctor prescribes a medication, there should be a discussion about any possible side effects and health risks. Some risks may be higher for some people more than others based on their medical history so it shouldn't automatically be presumed that if there's a medicine for something, the problem is solved. And in response to some of the men who posted about Annie's answer, I have to agree that both a husband and a wife need to feel loved and appreciated to be able to fully participate in love making.

I can tell by the comments that most people do not understand what the writer was trying to explain. I have been married to the most beautiful man I have ever known for 13 year now. We dated for 2 years - never lived together - only after we were married. He had never really dated so there were no ex-signafigant others. I had four children when we married (by the same man - I was divorced) who were all pre-teens. Sex for us has been a chore since the beginning of our marriage. Something was never right. I just love him so much I used to just cuddle up to him and then I would start to feel sexual feelings towards him. He would rejected me most times and I just felt aweful inside, eventually I stopped trying to initiate sex. . I know he loves me and I have never been able to understand how he did not feel the slightest bit of desire for me. I eventually convinced him to talk to his doctor to see if there were medical issues that kept him from sharing a physical relationship with me. After many tests the dr determined that there was nothing medically wrong with him and he prescribed viagra.
After the prescription, sex became something that we needed to schedule in advance so that he could take a pill in order to perform. I am not and will never will seek performance from the man I love. Once the dr prescribed the drug I have been careful not to make him feel that he has to perform to keep our marriage together.
I long to be desired by the man that I love with all of my heart. But I have resigned myself to the fact that this just is not in the cards for us.
The children have since moved out (more than 3 years now) I have realized that this will never happen. If I do not initiate sex we would never have sex, there is never any cuddling, There is never any fondling, there is never any passion. I know that he loves me and I know that he is not seeing anyone else.
But - I am so lonely. I miss that part of myself. I feel as though I have sold out. I am 47, just a little overwieght, but still quite actractive for my age and weight. I have a very good job and contribute my fair share to the household. I keep the house clean, I am a good cook and cater to every need I can.
Two months ago I confronted him because I wondered if he might be gay. I have been through every scenerio and nothing seems to fit our profile. Now it is even worse than before. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do,
I don't want to put additional pressure on him. But how do I love him with all of my heart and not have sexual feelings for him? How can he love me so much and never have any desire for me sexually. 15 years later I just don't have the answer......
So for 15 years I have felt that I am icky.... what other explaination is there?

As much as I'm tempted to agree with Richard and Chris, I have to concur that the guy really should get checked out. (And for the record, it sometimes IS recommended that women with no libido get their hormonal levels checked by a doctor if everything else is normal.) Another possibility, however, is that the man has a porn addiction that he's been hiding. It has many of the same symptoms of an affair (loss of interest in the original partner, etc), the only difference being that there isn't actually an "other woman," just an "other outlet" for those natural urges. I can tell you that men who struggle with this sometimes lose interest in their wives, who no longer seem to "measure up" to the girls in the magazines or on the computer screen. These men might also point out that porn is simply less hassle than going through all the foreplay (not to mention the begging or housework) required to get to the sex. I can also tell you that such men are often quite adept at hiding this problem from their wives. Don't ask me how I know all of this.

The wife said they were both 42 and had a 3 yr. old child. Perhaps he is afraid of another child. At there age they would be 60 befor they would be free of the kids. I know this would scare me. thanks

I think you should have suggested that the wife look for pornography websites on his computer or magazines in the house. I am almost divorced from a man who really just wanted sometone to take care of everything-- a mom. I too used to initiate and be turned down. I even beggeg. I am a fit, athletic 44 year old worman who stopped begging for sex. Anyway, many years I found a stash of pornography magazines and dvd. I've been replaced!