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LW1: Like the kid couldn't steal during the day? Please, no one works nghts by choice. Cut the mom some slack

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As for the step-parents who treated the one child with favoritism... in this, and in other situations, I often read that someone did "thus and so" but I never read where anyone ever sat down with them and asked "why?" No one likes being criticized and I wonder if these people become entrenched in their position because of how they are first approached about it (as in, "if I change what I am doing I am admitting I was wrong"). I had two step-siblings in my class and noticed that the Mother seemed to give one a lot more attention than the other and it seemed to really cause problems between the two of them. I thought it was horrible that she gave her own child so much more attention and favoritism and I really wanted to blast her for it. But being a professional I had to be diplomatic so I simply asked her in a private meeting if what I was observing was accurate and, if it was, if there was something I needed to be aware of. I was really surprised to learn that the one getting the extra attention was NOT her son... but was the step-child. Turned out that she felt extremely bad for him because his mother had died and when she married his Father she felt like she and her son would not be accepted by him. She thought the extra attention was a good idea until I pointed out that it was actually causing resentment with her own son and the step-brother was becoming defensive and withdrawn from his new step-brother because of it. We decided to have a private meeting with her own son where she apologized to him and explained what she was thinking. She then asked him what he thought about it and what he would feel like if his situation was reversed with his step-brother. Even at the age of 6 he was wise enough to understand and even asked if there was something he could do to help his step-brother too. Then we all met with the two boys, the father and mother together. The step-brother admitted that he liked the extra attention at first from his new step-mother, but now just wanted to be treated "normally." It still took a few weeks before things started to change, but soon I saw the boys acting more like friends and brothers, rather than rivals. Sometimes people feel they have valid reasons for their (even bizarre) behavior. But how often is it that we "interpret" the situation ourselves and react in a knee-jerk fashion to the behavior rather than sitting down and simply asking about their thoughts and feelings? I think that it is somewhat arrogant when we automatically assume we know people's motives, or assume that our opinion is the only "right" one. Opening a dialog, asking questions and listening with an open mind is a much easier way to get to the bottom of a problem and, sometimes, we might actually learn something that makes us change OUR mind.

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Re the 14 year old who stole money from his grandmother's wallet... Yes! Confront the child Yes! Make him pay the money back NO! NO! NO! Don't assume that he is a problem child and go running to the school counselor. This is a family problem. Try hadling it in the family first. Don't seek professional help prematurely. You will lable the boy as a theif. Schoool's keep records of such occurances and that record could affect the boy later down the line. Since Grandma is so axious to have her daughter change her work schedule, SHE may be the one with the problem

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Several months ago you wrote a artical on Do Doogs Go To Heaven . Could you send me a copy of that . I am in need of it for a friend who had to put her dog to sleep . Thank You , joe Wood

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I had to write and totally diagree with the advice you gave the Arizona receptionist. I, too, was in the exact same situation, for years. I came to work always cheerful, ready to work and learn. I would relieve another "elderly woman", who worked at our retirement home, for years. She was "MISERABLE", everybody knew this. Every afternoon I would arrive for work, she would start, "hurry up I have to get home!" But, for the next half-hour she would sit and ridicule and belittle me in front of my co-workers! I took this awful treatment far too many years, I needed the income! I am sorry to disagree with you, but these women already thought or knew they were important, because they were able to give this treatment, without being stopped!. You needed to tell her this treatment/abuse (is what it is) is unaccepted. To go to her Supervisor, and explain, then inturn, all the Supervisor needed to do, was explain. to this woman that they were both doing a good job. That this criticising , will not be tolerated! Or else, she will not stop, because she knows she is geeting away with it. Thank you, Have a great day ANNIE

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Grandma should not assume the boy is a problem kid or that supervision is the issue because he stole money from her wallet. When I was only a little younger, I stole from my mother's wallet, not because I did not know better but because there were things I wanted, I had no good way to earn money, and she seemed to have so much. I didn't understand that she had so "much" because the bills she had to pay were bigger than I could conceive of! When caught and confronted, my mom and I had a serious talk about money, and I learned an important lesson about something other than money, as well: I never wanted to feel like dirt again, and the money I had taken was a pretty poor exchange for my self respect. If the daughter is a single mom, the grandson probably does want for things other kids have, and he may have the illusion that grandma has so much she'll hardly miss it. While he should apologize, it will be more sincere if someone makes sure, first, that he understands what it means to be on a fixed income, and what kinds of bills grandma has to pay. Then there should be a talk about how he felt about himself when he was stealing, and whether he ever wants to feel that way again. Finally, there should be assistance finding a legitimate way to earn a little more spending money, so he learns firsthand how much better it feels owning things you've earned the money to pay for, rather than having the things you buy be a reminder of how low you've sunk. Unless he really IS a problem kid, that should do the trick -- and the teachable moment will have been well worth its price.

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As for the grandparents who shun the other children and showers the oldest one with favors. First they are hurting themselves, they are hurting the "precious one" and they are hurting the younger children. They are missing so much. I had in laws like that and being a "good girl" I withstood it far too long and was "nice." They just trampled all over me and this is important: My husband took his parents side. Not a good idea, guys. If the in laws would have sent me a basket of condoms, I would have sent them back to them with a letter stating that they were not to contact me or my familiy in anyway, ever again. And if they did I would get a restraining order against. Even if they saw me in the store they were to look the other way and not acknowledge me. Fortunately my monster in law was not quite that bad. The young couple just has to set up some boundaries.