Annie's Mailbox®, June 25
by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: After a botched operation left her bedridden for months, my mother has to relearn to walk. My father, a loving but controlling person, didn't want to put her into a rehab facility where she would be pushed to get well. Instead, he placed her in a nearby nursing home. Most of the patients in the home are in wheelchairs or in their beds. The staff gives Mom physical therapy four days a week, but they don't have a lot of equipment or expertise in rehab. Long story short, Mom is not m ...
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Posted by: Nicholas
Comment: #1
Thu Jun 25, 2009 4:58 AM
The Annies are mistaken when they say, "Surely he wants Mom to make as complete a recovery as possible." There absolutely are people out there who in this situation would not want a complete recovery. Incomplete recovery provides many possible benefits to certain kinds of personalities: they get control of the invalid, they get credit from friends and family for being the care giver, they get to feel good about themselves for making a sacrifice to care for the invalid. And they can get their benefit without guilt by convincing themselves and others that they are doing their best and what is best for the invalid while actually not doing their best or what it best.
Annie's statement is correct in most cases, but there is a strong hint that the caregiver in this letter is not working for a complete recovery. The letter writer says, "My father, a...controlling person, didn't...put her into a rehab facility... Instead, he placed her in a...home...[where] they don't have a lot of equipment or expertise in rehab."
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Posted by: Pat-tricia
Comment: #2
Thu Jun 25, 2009 7:00 PM
Regarding the tenant problem: I've watched a number of court programs on tv; so of course I'm a legal expert. ____ ;-} __________ (Not really; I just thought that sounded cool.) Anyway, there have been any number of cases in which people have thrown or neatly placed tenants' or bf's items outside and in some cases change the locks. What happens sometimes is those items end up being stolen or destroyed in any number of ways. From the cases I've watched, judges are not at all happy with the landlord or significant other who have put those belongings in jeopardy and make them pay the cost of those items to the owner. And in some cases where the person has lived in the premises for at least a certain amount of time, they say it's constructive eviction or something along that line and say it's illegal. You need to give notice, usually 30 days in order to give them time to find alternate housing. I guess it's related to the idea that if you rent an apartment for example, without a lease it's considered a month to month tenancy and both the tenant and landlord are required to give each other 30 days notice about moving. So if you're trying to get rid of someone who's living in your home, it's probably a good idea to call a lawyer to find out what your state laws are regarding evicting them without notice and whether you are allowed to touch their belongings.
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Posted by: Pat-tricia
Comment: #3
Thu Jun 25, 2009 7:16 PM
Regarding the mom in the nursing home: It may be that she's getting the best care available. But if it were my mom, I"d want to know all the particulars also. The lw should call the doctor and express her concerns. Unless the mom has given the doctor permission to discuss her condition with her daughter, the doctor can't give her any information. But the daughter can express her concerns and I would think ask information about the facilities themselves. If mom is mentally competent, she can give the doctor permission to discuss her health situation with one or more of her children. I would certainly allow my children to discuss my health situation with my doctors if they wanted and assume most parents would.
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Posted by: Joan Tyl
Comment: #4
Thu Jun 25, 2009 7:45 AM
Annie: Most nursing homes in my area that have physical therapy departments are not worth the room they take up. The home is determined by insurance coverage, openings and doctor's referral. My mother was referred by a doctor who later admitted that he knew nothing about the facility except that he received a notice that they opened a PT dept. One therapist for 3 patients at a time, instructions given but no observation. An aide askes if the patient wants to go to PT today. If tha answer is "no" the patient doesn't go. After working with nursing homes for 15 years, my experience has been that a patient needing agressive treatment in order to return to the community needs a facility specializing in PT and rehabilitation, not a PT department in a nursing home. Please suggest that concerned daughter speaks with physician and finds an agressive facility in order for her mother to return home.
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Posted by: Ariana
Comment: #5
Wed Jun 24, 2009 9:24 PM
Annies blew it on LW1. Children should not participate in the bouquet toss? Why on earth not? LW writes: "Tradition says those who catch these items are the next to be married." Honey, it is a *superstition,* not a tradition. There is no obligation - traditional or otherwise - for the woman who who catches the bouquet to be married next. None whatsoever. Sane people do not believe that it will actually happen either. That is why it's perfectly fine for kids to participate. It's fun for them. As for the garter toss, call me a prude, but I have always thought that tossing undergarments in public was gauche, even if it is a tradition.
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Posted by: Datura
Comment: #6
Wed Jun 24, 2009 9:28 PM
To LW2: When my husband and I got married, we fixed this dilemna by having four separate events: the bouquet toss, the garter toss, the bride teddy bear toss and the groom teddy bear toss. Whoever caught the teddy bear got to keep it. I just thought that the idea of a little boy touching a womans garter was kind of creepy and, lets face it, adults can get pretty aggressive trying to catch those things.
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