'Tween 12 and 20 by Dr. Robert Wallace

DR. WALLACE: I'm 16 and live with my parents and 11-year-old sister. My dad is an attorney and my mother is a registered nurse. Both work late and usually don't get home until after 6 p.m. My sister gets home at 3:15 p.m., and I've got to be there and watch over her until my parents get home. This means I can't participate in any after-school activities, such as pep club or Spanish club. I feel like I'm missing out on an important part of my education.

I love my sister, but I don't like playing baby sitter every day at the expense of after-school fun. I complain, but my parents don't listen. They say I'm being selfish. Do you think so? —Nameless, Ontario, Calif.

NAMELESS: We're all called on at times to make a sacrifice for the good of our family, but I don't think that's the issue here. You're being asked to give up a whole dimension of your life in order to provide after-school care for your sister. Your parents should be able to afford to hire a trusted adult to watch your sister until they get home. This would allow you to round out your education (and simply enjoy being a teenager) with after-school activities.

WOMAN HOPES TO LEAVE LOSER HUSBAND

DR. WALLACE: Several months ago, a young lady who was having a difficult time finding one good guy to date steadily finally decided that all guys are born jerks and only a small percentage of them turn out to be respectable. You did your best to convince her otherwise — that all males are born respectable and only a few turn out to be jerks.

I will concede that not all guys are born jerks, but I think many of them are. I'm 20 and have been married to the biggest jerk on earth for the past three years. All of my family and friends told me that I shouldn't marry the guy because he was a loser and a huge jerk. I refused to take their advice.

On the day we were married, he left the wedding reception early to watch a football game on TV with his brother. Then when I was seven months pregnant with twin daughters, my brother saw him in a bar with a "tramp." Three days after I came home from the hospital with our beautiful daughters, he went duck hunting for a week in Mexico with a bunch of his jerky friends.

My husband has never made me feel special on Valentine's Day, my birthday or even during the holiday season.

Whenever I can get my life straightened out, I'm going to tell this jerk, "Adios forever."

Please "make my day" and print my letter. I promise that my next husband will have no "jerk" qualities. — Nameless, Ames, Iowa.

NAMELESS: I wish you all the best. You will do better the next time because experience is a wonderful teacher.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE TUESDAY, JANUARY 13, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Try to Control the Anger and Tackle the Issue When Calm

DR. WALLACE: When upset and angry, is it better to hold the anger inside or explode and get it off of your chest? — Rick, Vicksburg, Miss.

RICK: Most people would agree that "getting it off of your chest" would be the better choice. To find out, please read the following information from a school psychologist:

DR. WALLACE: I was giving a local seminar when a 17-year-old from the audience asked to speak. He told the group that, as a child, he was constantly made to hide his frustrations and mad feelings. He believes that is why he currently explodes with rage at the slightest provocation, because he is "letting it out."

The point I tried to make to him, and now to your readers, is that there must be appropriate expression of anger. Research studies have shown that things are actually worse if people automatically vent their anger: yell, curse, throw things, hit the wall and so on. They are more likely to stay upset longer, as the anger fuels itself like a fire. They are also more apt to become delinquents and to have health problems in the long run. On the other hand, studies show that those who can control their impulses tend to get along better with others and are far superior students.

The key is to control the rage impulse, calm down, then address the source of the anger with a clear head. I teach my clients the first step is to "Freeze, Chill, Back Off." Angry people tend to move forward, toward the conflict. Teach yourself to actually take a step back if you are standing, lean back in your chair if you are sitting, or leave the room if you can. Yell the word "Stop" in your head.

Then try to clear your mind of all thoughts. Focus only on your breath. Slow it down, feeling the airflow from the tip of your nostrils down deep into your lungs. Hold it a moment and slowly release. Do this slowly a dozen times or even for each letter of the alphabet if needed. Stare off at a corner or close your eyes if you can.

After this, you will be better able to see things more clearly. Ask yourself, "Is the anger justified? Can I change anything? How important is the issue?" Many times, it is good to engage in an alternative behavior for a while. Physical activity (exercise, walking, riding a bike, kicking a ball) is especially good. Other ideas are listening to music, writing in your journal, calling a friend or drawing. Writing a letter to the person who offended you is great. Even if you never send it, you've expressed your feelings.

If you decide to directly confront someone, do so with good intent, not accusations. Say how you feel, but do not blame the other person. Try to problem solve. Have in your mind four or five possible solutions rather than just expecting the other person to do what you want. Negotiate. Expect to compromise. Accept that a solution may not be automatic, but at least things are out in the open.

Finally, remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person — you are coping the best you can and you are getting better every day. At times, anger can actually be helpful. It can be a warning signal that something is wrong and you need to make a change. — Charlene Messenger, Ph.D., School Psychologist, Orlando, Fla.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Just One Alcoholic Drink Can Affect Driving and Take Lives

DR. WALLACE: I'd like to respond to the letter from the girl whose boyfriend, who had been drinking, "helped out" an even more intoxicated friend by driving him home in the friend's car. Her boyfriend missed a curve, ran off the road and flipped over. Luckily, the boys were wearing seat belts and weren't seriously injured. Consider the girl's boyfriend very lucky and very foolish!

I volunteer for Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Part of my work involves being a victim advocate, which requires attending court cases of drunken drivers and providing the victim's family with pertinent information.

In one memorable case, a young man, 32, drove a friend's car home from a party because the friend was too drunk to drive. He managed to smash up his friend's car, but that wasn't the bad news. The car he hit head-on was being driven by a young bride who was on her way to pick up her husband from work. The drunken driver told the judge he got behind the wheel because he was less drunk than his friend.

The reason why you have to take the keys from a drunk is because he or she has lost the ability to determine how drunk he or she really is. That's also why you should take the keys from the drunk who took keys from the drunk.

All drivers who consume alcohol must understand that the very first alcoholic drink affects judgment. They should always have someone who has not had that first drink do the driving. — Connie, Lynn, Mass.

CONNIE: Sound advice. Thanks so much for sharing your useful information with our teen readers. A person who has been drinking, even if only one beer, should never drive a motor vehicle, since even one beer can impair driving skills to some degree.

TEENS CAN JOIN ACTIVITIES AND STILL GO TO A CHAPERONED EVENT

DR. WALLACE: Recently you said you couldn't think of a better way for a teen to spend an evening than attending a well-chaperoned function at his or her school. I can think of many activities that are better, but I don't think you'll print them. In case I'm wrong, however, here they are:

— Joining a church youth group that provides spiritual guidance, new friendships, Bible studies and fun activities.

— Visiting a nursing home and sharing love and gaining wisdom from the elderly.

— Having hobbies such as photography, ceramics and needlework.

— Learning how to sew and adding inexpensively to your wardrobe.

— Learning how to type.

— Learning a foreign language from a "teach yourself" book or record.

— Visiting the library regularly.

— Reading the newspaper daily, including your column.

— Learning to play a musical instrument.

— Writing letters to friends, relatives, pen pals and political leaders.

— Writing poems, short stories and songs.

— Taking care of a true companion — a pet.

— Learning how to cook.

— Spending time with family or good friends.

— Karen, Beaufort, S.C.

KAREN: Well said! But I think you could do many of your splendid activities and still have time to attend a few well-chaperoned school activities.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE THURSDAY, JANUARY 15, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Parents Serve as Role Models When it Comes to Higher Education

TEENS: Who says parents aren't role models for their children? If you're planning on going to college, chances are at least one of your parents has a college degree. According to a report by the U.S. Department of Education, 82 percent of those students whose parents earned college degrees also enrolled in college after high school graduation. The rates were 54 percent for those whose parents were high school graduates but not college grads, and 36 percent for those students whose parents did not have a high school diploma.

Actually, these figures are rather encouraging. But the report does suggest that educators should focus on getting all students to begin thinking about preparing for college while they are in middle school. No student who has the desire to attend college and the ability to succeed should be denied the chance to earn a bachelor's degree.

My parents both immigrated to the United States and neither graduated from high school. In fact, they both left school after completing seventh grade. I only mention this to show that a college degree is obtainable for those who place a high premium on education.

ANOREXIA AFFECTS BOTH MALES AND FEMALES

DR. WALLACE: You said that 90 percent of all anorexia nervosa (self-starvation) sufferers are females. That leaves one out of every 10 victims of this eating disorder as a male. My friends and I are aware of several girls who are anorexic, but none of us have ever heard of a guy who was anorexic. Is it possible for an anorexic to overcome this disorder without professional help? — Nameless, DeKalb, Ill.

NAMELESS: If you are questioning the 10 percent statistic, don't. As a high school principal and a consultant working with teens in a psychiatric hospital, I've observed several young men who were suffering from this potentially fatal eating disorder. Parental pressure to succeed is one of the prime forces that causes a male to become anorexic. Please read the following letter. Sadly, it shows how extremely difficult it is for a victim to overcome this devastating eating disorder:

DR. WALLACE: I'm writing in response to the mother who suspected that her daughter might be anorexic. Like you, I also want to encourage her to get professional treatment for her daughter. I attended a high school of 800 students. One of the students was a pretty, outgoing, intelligent girl. She was a cheerleader; everyone liked her.

One day it was announced that the school was holding a fundraiser to help her parents pay for treatment because she had been diagnosed as anorexic. She was 17 when she entered treatment. Recently, I read in the newspaper that she had died. She was 21 and weighed only 80 pounds.

I sure hope this mother gets help for her daughter immediately. Anorexia can and often is fatal. Anorexics honestly believe they are fat, even when undernourished and razor thin. — Nameless, Tavares, Fla.

NAMELESS: The story of your former classmate is tragic but all too common. Anorexia nervosa is an extremely serious eating disorder. Parents should seek out professional treatment at the first sign that a child (usually a teenage female) might be involved in self-starvation. Rarely can a person overcome this condition on her own. Anorexia is not a "phase" that a young person goes through, and it will not be eliminated by time alone.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE FRIDAY, JANUARY 16, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Teen Needs to Deal with Mom's Rules

DR. WALLACE: I am a 13-year-old female and feel that my mom is a huge pain. She doesn't allow me to go out after dinner because it is too dark. All, and I mean all, of my friends get to stay out until 8 p.m. — some are allowed to stay out until 10. If I'm at a friend's house, I'm not permitted to walk home if it's dark. I must call my mom to pick me up and drive me home.

My parents are divorced, but when I called and asked my dad for help, he said I have to go by her rules. I'm sick of these stupid rules. Help! — Nancy, Moncton, New Brunswick.

NANCY: Parenting is difficult under any circumstances, and single parenting, you might say, is doubly difficult. It's possible that Mom is a bit overprotective, but you must appreciate that she has made your safety and well-being a top priority. The fact that she's willing to pick you up from friends' houses in the evening should make you happy, not annoyed. Your complaining is not warranted.

FEMALE ATHLETES DON'T SUFFER MORE INJURIES THAN MALES

DR. WALLACE: I'm in the eighth grade and will be a freshman in September. I want to go out for basketball and volleyball, but my mom thinks I might get injured because girls' sports in high school have become very physical and competitive.

When Mom was in high school in Iowa, she played on the girls' basketball team. They had six players on the team and played "girls' rules," which meant some players couldn't cross over a certain line. Today girls' and boys' teams play by the same rules. Mom feels that girls suffer more injuries because boys are better coordinated and know how to avoid injuries. Say it isn't so! — Dorothy, Sterling, Ill.

DOROTHY: It isn't so! The Journal of the American Medical Association published a survey on female athletic injuries, which found that female athletes do not suffer more injuries proportionally than males; however, they do have more trouble with their kneecaps, which are more complicated than males', and their joints, which are looser. These problems have nothing to do with coordination.

Basketball and volleyball, along with gymnastics and field hockey, produce the most female athletic injuries, but the enjoyment of competition is well worth the risk.

SCHOOL SAFETY TOPS STUDENT'S CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS

DR. WALLACE: Why am I being denied my constitutional right to wear a T-shirt that has a swear word printed on it? I bought it in Mexico. All of my friends and even my parents think it's funny and appropriate to wear at school. My principal doesn't think so. — Nameless, Nogales, Ariz.

NAMELESS: No one has total freedom to do as he or she pleases, but teens — who are old enough to understand that they have rights, but not always old enough to accept the accompanying responsibilities — are especially prone to bristling at the limitations placed on them in a school setting.

As a former high school principal, I was constantly having to tell students why they couldn't do something that they felt was their constitutional right, such as wear a T-shirt with vulgar words printed on it, or why the school could open a locker without the student's permission.

Simply put, the safety and welfare of the student body — the 2,000 or so people who share about 40 acres of space for up to eight hours a day — are more important than the rights of individual students.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE SATURDAY, JANUARY 17, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Reader Finds Love and Friendship with Her New Furry Companion

DR. WALLACE: I am responding to the 76-year-old grandmother who wrote that she always wanted a dog, but her husband never allowed it. Then, after her husband's death, she went to a local animal shelter and brought home a little golden-brown dog named Poochie. She said she loved Poochie very much and he kept her from becoming lonely.

I'm 83 and lost my husband of 63 years last year. I was really feeling lonely and terribly depressed. Then I decided that I, too, needed a Poochie to keep me company. Someone at my church was kind and drove me to our local animal shelter where I found a sweet female poodle mix to bring home.

Already we have become great friends. I know she is happy living with me because her tail is wagging constantly, and if I had a dollar for every time she licked my hand, I'd be wealthy. We have become a great team. I need her and she needs me. If my newfound friend had been a male, I would have named him Poochie II in honor of Poochie I, who inspired me to get a pet. But since my friend is female, I named her Poochetta. That's to always remind me of Poochie I.

I have been reading newspaper advice columns for over 65 years, but the letter from the 76-year-old grandmother and her newfound friend, Poochie, was tops. Maybe if her husband had allowed his wife to have a pet, he still might be around. I read somewhere that pets can help prolong the lives of their masters. I hope that's true. — Bessie, Evansville, Ind.

BESSIE: Your letter made my day. Thanks for sharing your story with our young readers. Poochetta is one fortunate pooch, and you are a happy fortunate lady!

STEPFATHER'S DATING RULE SEEMS UNFAIR

DR. WALLACE: I'm 15 and have been dating Richard for five months. Both of my parents like him and approved of our relationship.

About four months ago, my parents got a divorce and it was decided that I would live with my mom. A month ago, my mom married a guy who works with her. They had known each other for over five years.

Fred, my stepfather, is very strict. Already he has made some rules that I must obey. Some of them are reasonable, while others are not. The rule that bothers me the most is one that says no dating until I'm 16. I don't think this is fair. Why should I be forced to break up with my boyfriend (he's 16) just because my mom decides to get a new husband?

When I asked my mom about the new rules, all she could say was that my stepfather was in charge now. Please give me your comments. I get above-average grades in school and have never been in serious trouble. It will be eight months before I'm 16. — Nameless, Crown Point, Ind.

NAMELESS: Your new stepfather seems anxious to convey the message that he's in charge now; he thinks laying down strict, non-negotiable rules is the way to do so. I disagree. This is a time for all of you to get to know each other and make reasonable accommodations to one another.

Considering that you've already been going out with Richard for five months, and both Mom and Dad approved of him, your stepfather's new rule indeed seems unfair.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.