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My Parents Take My Sister's Side
DR. WALLACE: I'm 16 and have, unfortunately (only kidding), a 13-year-old sister who never agrees with me on anything. I want to watch Channel 2, and she wants Channel 7; I want ice cream for dessert, and she wants cake. Whenever we wind up in an argument, my mom takes my sister's side. It always goes like this: "Jordan, you should be ashamed of yourself for fighting with your sister. You are three years older and should have more sense."
This means all that my sister has to do is raise her voice, and she gets her way. Last night was the last straw. A friend and I were watching an Indiana University basketball game. With about 10 minutes to go in a close game, she decided it was her turn to watch television, so she came into the room and turned the channel with the score tied.
Of course, I blew a gasket, and we started arguing. Since my parents were entertaining guests, they immediately came into the room and took my sister's side and made my friend and me go to my room, where we had to listen to the rest of the game on the radio.
I was so mad that I almost swore under my breath. This kind of treatment is getting old. Is it possible to find a solution? —Big Brother, Michigan City, Ind.
BIG BROTHER: There's always a solution, and the first step is to wise up and quit doing what clearly doesn't work — in your case, going head-to-head with your sister in a disagreement and expecting Mom and Dad to take your side. Right now, you're batting zero.
In other words, stop feeling so righteously indignant, and start looking for a way to improve the family dynamics. You're three years older than your sister, and you SHOULD be three years wiser! This means getting a handle on your emotions. Since you never win an argument with Sis, find a way to stop arguing with her.
My suggestion is that you present a "peace proposal" to the rest of the family, which would allow your sister to have her way on all disagreements during the first week and let you have things your way during week two. Continue alternating weeks with no squabbling allowed. This plan, or some variation, is worth a try.
A plan like this will help everyone steer a course through the unavoidable conflicts that occur between adolescent siblings. As the two of you grow older, your differences should diminish as you both learn to negotiate and plan ahead for special programs that are important to each of you.
DON'T USE FRIEND'S BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
DR. WALLACE: No lectures, just answers! I've started a sexual relationship with my boyfriend. It is imperative that I not become pregnant. My boyfriend uses a condom, but the 95 percent effectiveness rate isn't good enough for me.
My girlfriend was on birth control pills, which were prescribed by her doctor. Would it be possible for me to use her pills? She broke up with her boyfriend, so she won't be using them any more. - Nameless, Goshen, Ind.
NAMELESS: No. Birth control pills are not all the same. If you want to get on the pill, make an appointment with your own doctor, who will give you a proper prescription.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2013 CREATORS.COM 
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Comments
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14 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: One of the few times I disagree with Dr. Wallace. It was rude of the sister to change the channel but she has been taught she can get away with anything. This is doing nothing for how the LW feels or how he is being treated which is like second class citizen while she is being taught she is princess with everything handed to her. LW has every right to feel that this is unfair cause it is.
I think family friend or school counselor may be able to help or at least be able to communicate to the parents how they are turning their own children against each other with the favoritism.
Perhaps Dr. Wallace's idea of one week one sibling with the other week the other's. I do wonder about the LW's week and how that will work for him.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Kath
Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:44 AM
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Consider, though, that it may well have BEEN her turn to watch TV -- if she had a favorite program that came on at 8 (I'm assuming this letter was written before DVR or time-shifting!) and the game had run into overtime, then yes, it was indeed her turn to watch, regardless of the game's expected end time. It would have been nice, and kind, of her her to graciously say, "of course you can watch the last overtime -- I'll be able to catch up". But if he "won" the TV at 6:30 over her objections, and with the understanding that she'd see her show, then he's not being entirely accurate in his description.
LW is smart enough to figure out that his sister isn't basing her wants on what she really wants, at least, not all of the time -- it's more about disagreeing with him. He can turn that to his advantage, but it will involve some willingness to let go of a few battles. IOW, he wants ice cream, so he says, "Ice cream or cake? Hmmm... I vote cake." His sister demands ice cream, of course. He says, "all right, I let you win this one!" At which point, he can say, when he wants to watch the game, "Remember how I let you have ice cream when I wanted cake? It's your turn to be gracious!"
Seriously, this is an issue that's going to self-resolve as his sister gets older and more involved with friends, leaving her less time and opportunity to fight with her brother, and as LW himself begins spending more time with his own friends elsewhere.
Comment: #2
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Apr 26, 2013 6:55 AM
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LW1: So sis throws a fit and gets what she wants. You're essentially told to give the brat her way so she won't throw a tantrum? You know that she's fully baiting you...disagreeing just for the sake of disagreement. This might sound terrible, but at least you only have 2 years left of dealing with her before you can go out on your own.
Hedgehog, these situations don't always self-resolve. The child who has always been given her way generally turns into the adult who always wants her way. I know one like that...I call her 'Mom".
LW2: The fact that you want to use your friend's prescribed BC pill just shows that you are not mature enough to handle a sexual relationship. If you were, you'd own up to your parents about it and ask them to take you to a doctor...yet I sense that this is all going on without their knowledge. You have some growing up to do.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Stacey
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:12 AM
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LW1: I'll also add that the parents speak like the 16 year old should know better, but the 13 year old doens't know better. By the teen years you should darn well know better than to pick fights just for the sake of it!
Comment: #4
Posted by: Stacey
Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:15 AM
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Re: hedgehog (#2)
Perhaps this letter was written in 1968 ... in the wake of the famous football game that got interrupted by a little Swiss girl who shares her first name with Fleiss? Just a guess and to really put your game example in perspective.
Even in my own lifetime (born in the early 1970s), most households were one TV households -- always in the living room or some other common area. (Mine was always two, a small portable in the kitchen and the console set in the living room.) By the time I moved out at age 25 (mid-1997) with my first job in journalism, there were three sets ... and a satellite and VCR.
To add my advice, there needs to be a sense of compromise, which I think you suggest. That, plus time working itself out.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:45 AM
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BTW – If Chris is around, I'd be surprised if he replied with anything but "Your parents are coddling her and spoiling her rotten." Bet $100 he says that.
hedgehog – FWIW, the Indiana men's basketball team did have two overtime games this past season, going 1-1. They were an 82-78 win over Georgetown and an 88-86 loss to Butler.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri Apr 26, 2013 9:49 AM
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Hedgehog, these situations don't always self-resolve. The child who has always been given her way generally turns into the adult who always wants her way. I know one like that...I call her 'Mom".
*********
Sure. But are you needing to check with Mom before you turn on your television set, or choose what to eat for dessert tonight?
That's what I meant by "self-resolving". Once you're not living under the same roof, the kind of conflicts LW mentions are pretty much non-starters. There's a chance that they will not get along as adults... but there's also a good chance that they will.
My own sister likes to get her way... not because she's spoiled, but because she's put considerable time and thought into analyzing a situation and coming up with a decent plan.I tend to defer to her on most of our interactions, because I've found her suggestions are good ones, AND because I see her maybe 8 times a year, so it's not as if her refusal to eat spicy food ruins my dinners night after night.
Bobaloo, I'm not quite sure what you're saying as to whether you think this is a current letter or an older one. A quick Google showed me that in 2006, only 19 percent of U.S. homes had only one TV set. The continued narrowcasting and super-specialized channels available, plus the lowering of electronics price technology, have both contributed to that. I've always been amazed at the number of kids I knew who had TVs in their bedroom.
I'd think that if it were current, LW might have been able to time-shift the game via DVR or OnDemand...or catch it streaming on the internet.
I do remember that infamous football game. My poor dad, the only male in the house besides our goldfish, was so angry. My mom, my sister and I settled in to watch Heidi, quite happily.
Comment: #7
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:06 AM
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hedgehog (#7)
"I'd think that if it were current, LW might have been able to time-shift the game via DVR or OnDemand...or catch it streaming on the internet."
Maybe ... or he thought of the radio first. Who knows? Or, a computer was not available and he wanted to watch it live? Or, this could be a power trip ... not so much about him wanting to see how the exciting game plays out, but to hold seniority over his sister ("Hey sis, I'm older!"). So many possibilities
Comment: #8
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:30 AM
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I'm guessing that LW1's letter was written before cable or satellite dish were mainstream. I'm originally from the same city as him (Michigan City), which is 30 miles across the lake from Chicago, so when I was growing up we got over the air channels out of Chicago: 2=CBS, 5=NBC, 7=ABC and 9=WGN. And living in Indiana, I thought basketball ALWAYS trumped whatever else was on TV. The child's parents are obviously from out-of-state.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Siege
Fri Apr 26, 2013 1:40 PM
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Re: Siege (#9)
But even though analog TV went out in 2009, they still go by the local identifiers, I thought.
Although you're right – the terminology may make this a giveaway that this is an older letter.
I don't know if Dr. Wallace reads the comments board, but how often does he get new letters, or publish them? Is he retired or semi-retired? (I've seen many references to his service in the Korean War.) I've still not seen his take on e-cigarettes, which is definitely new.
The ball's in your court, sir.
As for my computer comment – I'd rather watch it on TV than stream it on the web if it were a college game. And that's even though I helped a guy once with live streaming of high school games, where the local market does not have even live radio broadcasts of high school basketball or football, much less TV! And yes, Siege, I do remember Iowa basketball (the big college team from where I grew up) trumping the network's programming, and that's when it was "basic 3" (the ABC, CBS and NBC affiliates).
I still say this – and their other fights – could be simply a power trip between an older and younger sibling and maybe even his (the older brother's) distaste for the show the younger sister wanted to watch, but who knows? I would say, though, had I been hedgehog's father and saw my game interrupted for "Heidi" (and especially if I were emotionally invested in the Oakland Raiders and Joe Namath's New York Jets) I'd be furious, too.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri Apr 26, 2013 3:40 PM
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Re: hedgehog (#7)
One other quick thought, relating to "I do remember that infamous football game. My poor dad, the only male in the house besides our goldfish, was so angry. My mom, my sister and I settled in to watch Heidi, quite happily."
I don't know how it was at your house or how much your father ranted and raved after seeing the Oakland-New York Jets game telecast ended abruptly, but if I interpret a sports column I once read correctly – it was from a female writer trying to put the times (i.e., few women interested in football, stores closed on Sunday) into perspective – I'd bet many houses with children looking forward to the "Heidi" movie didn't get to enjoy the game, given the angered going-on from many of the men who wanted to see the end of the game and were denied.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri Apr 26, 2013 5:16 PM
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Bobaloo -- I just know that the Heidi broadcast is a day that lives in infamy in the annals of sports broadcasting, and it's never been repeated.
I don't believe Dr. Wallace reads his comments here, so if you want an answer on the e-cigs, you're probably going to need to use the email option. And maybe assume the persona of a teen or someone who is concerned about a teen close to you -- the column really is aimed at teens and not all us advice column junkies, LOL.
Comment: #12
Posted by: hedgehog
Sat Apr 27, 2013 7:26 AM
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Re: hedgehog (#12)
Yeah, you're probably right. But perhaps he's got a backlog, too, who knows?
Comment: #13
Posted by: Bobaloo
Sat Apr 27, 2013 10:38 AM
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As an older sibling of 4 brothers and sisters I can tell you the resentment those parents are building will never totally heal.I left for university at 17 and the first thing I did was pay for a private room. I am on polite terms with the golden one but she is left with Mom's care because karma is a bitch.I have made a point of treating my children equally and when my mother asks I explain the hurt that favouritism causes. I goes in one ear and out the other as the brain ignores our needs.Nothing will ever change because life isn't fair and the needy get everything.Plan to go far away for college and find a job on the other coast. That way you can have a happy life and sis can look after your selfish parents.
Comment: #14
Posted by: retired
Sun Apr 28, 2013 5:53 PM
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