'Tween 12 and 20 by Dr. Robert Wallace

LW2: I don't ever remember having my bedroom door shut or the need. My own children (now grown) never shut their doors either. And my son and wife have a no door shut policy with their children.

As we all say, what do you have to hide? Infact, when we remodeled the house (100 year old) we took off doors to have a more open home.
Lucky you have your own room. Many homeless kids would trade with you in a heart-beat. And when i was growing up, 2 bedroom house with 7 people. Lucky the bathroom had the door. With a lock. Privacy of shut doors is so over rated. Esp when kids think they need TV and computers etc. That was one thing that will never be an issue in our family--no TV, computer, cell phone, any other toys in a bedroom. Isolation can be disturbing. Being sent to your room as part of a punishment should never have perks to it. My grandchildren are allowed to read a book if sent to their rooms. My own kids had to pick a corner in the house, put their time in it STANDING. Gave them time to reflect about all their actions and to whom it affected. Very seldom have to send the grandchildren to a corner.
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LW1: I understand what you are saying and going through. You need to meet in the middle. My neighbor never had television till their kids went off to college. They just recently got cable. BUT they did things as a family, their kids were never deprived and all 3 are very successful adults. They said they never missed having the outside world work pressures telling them via commercials what they should be doing, buying, desiring, etc.

Commend your kids for being good, getting good grades--but you need to do things like find a family movie to go to with them. Do the zoo, museums, etc. I live in a small community and we have all that.
My grandchildren see a movie about 3 times a month. I take them. Meaning I don't go to shows they can't see. I watch TV with them, we choose programs. With cable there are so many educational things to watch, just not crap. And I program out on the remote what I don't want coming in. Our favorite channels are the cooking ones. Often we go into the kitchen to that TV and watch it while making a recipe seen on TV.

You don't want the kids to get to a certain age and tell you they are free from restrictions and then bolt. Kind of like teaching them to swim, you don't throw them off a ship and tell them to kick. It takes little steps. But I think you are afraid that your background may shine through from your desires of the past and you would never have control of your kids again-like your parents dealt with.

Find the middle ground. Set rules and CONSEQUENCES for broken rules. It works. And don't be afraid to ground, restrict WHEN the behavior warrents it. I have taken my sons' driver's licenses away--1 for 6 weeks and the other for 4 months. Consequences for careless choices--which did not hurt anyone, but my boys said it made an impact on them.
No one is going to love them more than their mother who gave them live. Remind them of that.

If any of you really wanted to have anything t do with me you would've tried instead of writing to this website for the past 10 years.

All teens need privacy. Heck, all people need privacy and place to go where they can have some thinking space to regroup. Obviously, I'm a huge advocate for privacy. Unless I thought my child was in deathly danger, I ALWAYS knock if the door is closed.

Certainly there are situations where teens have engaged in behavior where they do not deserve privacy. But to deny a teen some quiet space with no good reason is ridiculous.

Comment #2 Daphne: who are you and what are you talking about?

LW1: Super-strict isn't necessarily better than super-lenient -- extreme positions each come with their own set of risks and realities.

You may be unaware of it, but teens of super-strict parents can flame out just as spectacularly as you did -- sometimes out of rebellion ("I'll show HER -- if I want to watch TV, I'll just lie and say I had to stay after school, and then go to Carly's house.") And sometimes because they haven't been given any room to learn how to make decisions in small matters, so when they're presented with a big decision, they don't know how to choose wisely. Kind of like the kid who's forced to save all his allowance, once he's out from under your control, he will need to learn how to spend his money wisely.

There IS room to parent in the middle, and that's what you should be striving for.