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Let's Hope Your Uncle Reads This Column
DR. WALLACE: I'm 13 and live with my aunt and uncle. They don't have children of their own. My mother has been placed in a nursing home because she has a severe illness. My father was killed in an automobile accident.
I'm very fortunate to be able to live with relatives. My aunt is very kind. My uncle is nice most of the time, but he has a very short temper and when he gets mad, he explodes.
Yesterday he exploded at me because I had forgotten to do my chores. I never had anyone talk to me that way before, so I started crying. Then my uncle said, "Tears don't impress me, young lady" and left the room.
Now I am afraid of him. My aunt told me to forget his explosion because "in an hour he will have calmed down, and he will be sweet old Uncle John once again." She said that his "bark is much worse than his bite."
That might be true, but I don't know if I can take another of his explosions. Help! —Nameless, St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada
NAMELESS: Let's hope your uncle reads this column. The written word can have a powerful and persuasive impact. Maybe it will open his eyes to how frightening he is when his temper takes over.
It's crucial that you not be afraid of him, so I would urge the two of you to talk. When he's in a quiet mood, apologize for forgetting your chores, and tell him you will do your best not to forget them again. Then ask him if he would please not respond with anger next time he's displeased with something you've done or haven't done, but just tell you what's wrong without exploding.
DON'T LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE
DR. WALLACE: I'm 16, and I have an awesome boyfriend who will soon be 18. I believe with all my heart, mind and soul that we will be married someday. We are both devout Christians and determined to remain virgins until marriage, considering that is the way God intended us to be. We live by the Bible verse, "I am my beloved's, my beloved is mine (Solomon 6:3)."
I have a question regarding cohabitation before marriage. I really feel that living with someone is an excellent indication of what they are really like regarding things like work ethic, prayer life, etc. But I also realize that living with my boyfriend would bring great temptation. Still, I would like to establish somewhat of a home life with him before we are married. What are your thoughts? —Nameless, Hammond, La.
NAMELESS: When the time comes that you want to share your life with your boyfriend, get married. The boyfriend whom you love right now with heart, mind and soul will be the same awesome guy after the wedding vows.
Forget about living together before marriage. Almost all couples that live together before marriage have a sexual relationship. That's one of the main reasons they move in together.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@yahoo.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2013 CREATORS.COM 
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6 Comments | Post Comment
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LW2: You are 16 but I hope you wait till you are at least 21 before you marry. Marrying young is not good idea cause you are still figuring out who you are.
Even though LW2 has some good thoughts about living together, I do agree with Dr. Wallace as well on it.
LW1: I hope your uncle sees this. He should not have yelled at you for any reason. I hope Dr. Wallace's advice helps. If not see if you can have trusted adult friend, teacher or family friend help talk to him.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Kath
Fri Mar 15, 2013 8:02 AM
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LW1 - sounds like you are going through heavy grieving at a young age, and perhaps your aunt and uncle do not have children of their own, and have never had to deal with a teen before. I am like you in feeling that yelling is very, very upsetting... by all means try to have that discussion with your uncle and aunt together, but don't be surprised if he gets defensive and refuses to respect your feelings, and don't be too disappointed if your aunt caves in to him and does not come to your defense. They are only human, and human beings are flawed.
Seek therapy if you need to. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself and validate your selfhood. Maybe you hould all get family grief counseling. Your uncle and aunt may be stressed on their own by your dad's death and your mom's illness, and maybe they have other stuff going on besides that which is making them insensitive to your feelings.
Having someone disrespect your feelings when you are 13 and are essentially trapped under their roof really sucks, but you will survive the experience even if it feels like you can't. Even today at age 48 I panic if someone yells at me because it reminds me of my mom, but then I realize that the yellers don't really have any power to harm me. It's unpleasant, but not life-threatening.
If you have other interests or schoolwork, try to focus on those and be as successful as you can. Find things that you do well, develop your talents, be a good friend to your friends, try to stay out of trouble, and find any outlet you can to feel positive and empowered.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Red Ree
Fri Mar 15, 2013 11:42 AM
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LW1 - sounds like you are going through heavy grieving at a young age, and perhaps your aunt and uncle do not have children of their own, and have never had to deal with a teen before. I am like you in feeling that yelling is very, very upsetting... by all means try to have that discussion with your uncle and aunt together, but don't be surprised if he gets defensive and refuses to respect your feelings, and don't be too disappointed if your aunt caves in to him and does not come to your defense. They are only human, and human beings are flawed.
Seek therapy if you need to. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself and validate your selfhood. Maybe you hould all get family grief counseling. Your uncle and aunt may be stressed on their own by your dad's death and your mom's illness, and maybe they have other stuff going on besides that which is making them insensitive to your feelings.
Having someone disrespect your feelings when you are 13 and are essentially trapped under their roof really sucks, but you will survive the experience even if it feels like you can't. Even today at age 48 I panic if someone yells at me because it reminds me of my mom, but then I realize that the yellers don't really have any power to harm me. It's unpleasant, but not life-threatening.
If you have other interests or schoolwork, try to focus on those and be as successful as you can. Find things that you do well, develop your talents, be a good friend to your friends, try to stay out of trouble, and find any outlet you can to feel positive and empowered.
(sorry if this is double post)
Comment: #3
Posted by: Red Ree
Fri Mar 15, 2013 11:43 AM
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Re: Red Ree (#2 and, well, 3):
Yes, it was a double post. Naughty, naughty! ;)
Seriously, it's happened to many of us, too ... so don't sweat it. And I don't think I've seen you around these parts before, so if you're reading this, welcome to the board!
LW1: I guess in addition to what Ree Ree said – that sometimes, people fly off the handle when they don't mean to and so forth – I don't think you should take it personally. Even if Uncle John were to say, "Take it personally!" – he most likely doesn't mean that.
I don't know that it's necessarily caused by grief, however. It may just be "the way he is" – again, Ree Ree suggesting that he, like all of us, are flawed – in which case, indeed don't take it personally. I sense that other than whatever flaw he may have with his hair-trigger temper, you have a good relationship, so just what Dr. Wallace said: Talk to him when he's in a good mood – don't butter him up, however, since he'll think something's up and get irritated that way – and he'll probably be remorseful or at least explain things in a calm, gentle manner.
And if he yells again, again, don't take it personally. I think through talking to him when he's in his "sweet, kind" mood and if need be, talking to a friend or someone about it, will help you cope. And whatever else Ree Ree said about doing things that will empower you and "toughen" you up.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Bobaloo
Fri Mar 15, 2013 12:50 PM
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"Forget about living together before marriage. Almost all couples that live together before marriage have a sexual relationship. That's one of the main reasons they move in together"
This is one of the most misguided and prejudiced pieces of "advice" I have ever read, and implies that couples who move together do so because they are desperate to have sex. If Dr Wallace were to talk to more real couples, he might discover that a lot of them have been having sex for a long time, and many consider it a normal, healthy part of their relationship. There are many potential pitfalls of moving in together, but sex is not one of them. And marriage does change a person - how can you remain the same after making a vow of loving and sharing a life with someone else?
A 16 year old who has to ask an advice columnist whether she should move in with her boyfriend IS too young to move in with her boyfriend, have sex or get married. Her doubts suggest that she is not yet ready for that level of responsibility. What he should have told her is that couples are more likely to get divorced when they marry young!
Comment: #5
Posted by: R
Fri Mar 15, 2013 3:57 PM
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R, I think you inferred that, because I'm not getting that couples who live together are "desperate to have sex" at ALL from Dr. Wallace's advice.
I think he'd say that of course most couples who live together had sex before moving in together -- it's not like most of them would say "well, we can have sex, but not until we're living together."
He is saying that it is VERY rare for a romantically involved couple to agree to live together and forgo sex. That is true, and LW's 16YO naivete is showing, since she believes that they will cuddle in the living room for an hour after dinner, then pray together and then head off to separate bedrooms behind locked doors, night after night.
I do agree she is too young to be contemplating these questions. But if Dr. Wallace had told her couples are more likely to divorce if they marry young, he'd have had some smug letters from 80 YOs who are now celebrating their 65th year of wedded bliss....seen 'em here.
Comment: #6
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun Mar 17, 2013 8:35 AM
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