DR. WALLACE: My parents divorced a year ago because my mom was seeing another guy. My dad has moved back to Mexico, and I haven't heard from him since he left our house. The "other guy" mom was seeing is now my stepfather, and he has me scared to death.
When Mom is not around, he is starting to be sexually aggressive with me. I don't want to tell you everything he has said or done to me, but I don't know who to turn to for help. I want to tell my mother, but I don't want to ruin her new marriage, and I'm not sure she would believe me because she knows I dislike my stepfather. I'm 14 years old. —Nameless, Houston, Tex.
NAMELESS: Please read the following letter from someone who has suffered a similar terrible experience. Please contact me in a few weeks and let me know how you are progressing.
DR. WALLACE: I'm writing this letter to all the young women who are being sexually abused by fathers and stepfathers. This abuse must be stopped!
First, tell your mother what has happened. If she believes you, she'll take action immediately. But don't be surprised if your mother doesn't believe you. She's likely to think it's impossible for her husband to do something so horrible, especially after he denies everything. If that's the case, immediately tell a teacher, relative, clergyman or, if need be, contact the police. It might be wise to tell all four. If you do this, the proper action will be taken.
Please allow me to tell you my sad story.
My father started molesting me when I was 13, and this nightmare continued until I joined the Navy the day after high school graduation. At 13, when I told my mother, she called me a liar and said I was trying to break up her marriage. I then went into an emotional shell and stayed that way until I entered the Navy. I didn't tell anyone else about my problem because I thought they wouldn't believe me and I'd be in trouble if they contacted my parents.
After I left home, Dad started molesting my 14-year-old sister. She told me all about it when I came home on leave. She also said she told our mother but was accused of lying. I immediately took my sister to the police station. The following day, our father was arrested, and my sister was placed in my aunt's house. Mom finally got the message that her husband was molesting his daughters. She was devastated, but she has only herself to blame.
When confronted by the authorities, Dad admitted everything and said he was sorry. Unfortunately, sorry wasn't enough. My life at home was worse than the worst nightmare. No child should ever be subjected to such terror.
My mistake was telling my mother, and when she didn't believe me, not telling another trusted adult. If you are a teen and you are being molested sexually, and your mother does not believe you, keep asking for help until the help comes, and it will. —Cindy, Miami, Fla.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2013 CREATORS.COM
|
 |
Comments
|
7 Comments | Post Comment
|
|
Also, please remember that some people, such as teachers, are required to notify authorities if they believe a child is being abused. Your teacher or counselor may be the best person to tell in order to get the abuse to stop.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Wordsworth
Sat Apr 20, 2013 4:58 AM
|
|
|
|
What a terrible price to pay for not speaking up. LW2, 100 percent applause for sticking up for your daughter.
What Worsworth said in #1.
What I can never understand is why the mother chose to not believe LW2 when it was happening to her ... and then her daughter? What was it about her new husband (these girls' stepfather) that made him so great? Was he that great of a lover?
Ugh ... no amount of lovemaking technique is ever, ever, EVER worth the price of your own flesh and blood.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Bobaloo
Sat Apr 20, 2013 7:57 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: Bobaloo
I think LW2 stuck up for her younger sister, but it's the same concept. Good for her.
I too cannot understand any parent who doesn't protect his or her child. I'm a divorced mom, and if anyone hurts my children, there will be hell to pay. And to think of having sex with a man who was sexually abusive to children....how could a woman even enjoy the act knowing this?
Comment: #3
Posted by: Siege
Sat Apr 20, 2013 8:18 AM
|
|
|
|
Sadly, there are some women out there so desperate for companionship...or an extra paycheck in the house... that they will take the word of a man over their own child. What results is the mom essentially giving the man tacit approval to abuse her kids.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Wordsworth
Sat Apr 20, 2013 11:47 AM
|
|
|
|
Siege, in those situations, NOT believing is much easier and more appealing than believing -- and after all, kids DO have episodes of being sassy, moody, unpleasant or lying -- it's part of growing up. Moms may remember the times the kid said "My sister hit me" when it didn't happen, or the times the kid played sick to get out of an exam. They may also believe the more convincing partner.
I think it sucks. But parents aren't made wise simply by the act of reproducing; often the physical maturity comes well before they've worked out their flaws (sometimes inflicted on THEM by incompetent parents) and achieved emotional maturity.
Kids have no power in these kinds of unfortunate situations. Because they can't know which way Mom's going to go, I'd suggest telling another adult she trusts first -- an aunt (or uncle, though it can be harder for a teen girl to talk to an adult male about this kind of problem), a teacher, a counselor, a pastor -- and making an appointment for both of them to tell Mom. Just knowing that an outsider is aware makes it less tempting for Mom to sweep it under the rug.
In an ideal world, telling Mom first would work; but in an ideal world, Mom would've been attuned to the possibility even as things started to get serious with the new guy and continued to remain alert to how he interacted with her daughter.
Comment: #5
Posted by: hedgehog
Sat Apr 20, 2013 2:13 PM
|
|
|
|
Re: hedgehog
"In an ideal world, telling Mom first would work; but in an ideal world, Mom would've been attuned to the possibility even as things started to get serious with the new guy and continued to remain alert to how he interacted with her daughter."
One of four things had to have happened here, then:
• 1. She could not recognize the signs of his behavior/interaction between him and his daughter
• 2. He "behaved" when others were around, but when they (stepfather and stepdaughter) were alone ... .
• 3. He's intimidating her (the mother) in the first place.
• 4. She would not believe it for a second, either thinking her daughter was flat-out lying or he was the "more important" guy here, because of his "technique," charm, whatever.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Bobaloo
Sat Apr 20, 2013 2:38 PM
|
|
|
|
One of four things had to have happened here, then:
• 1. She could not recognize the signs of his behavior/interaction between him and his daughter
• 2. He "behaved" when others were around, but when they (stepfather and stepdaughter) were alone ... .
I'd amend these. It's not just the interaction between the two of them that the parent needs to be attuned to; it's also the kid's overall demeanor even when the guy's not there. If a normally outgoing kid has turned unusually quiet or fearful or belligerent or isolated herself, or has grades going down, those can be signs of stress. (or other problems: mental illness or addiction or unhealthy relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend -- they all exhibit similar symptoms.
It's her job as a mom to be her kid's primary advocate. It's to be hoped that Mom's able to put her own wants (romance, security, sex, lifestyle) behind her child''s NEED for a secure home environment, one that's conducive to launching her kid into the world as a healthy, functioning adult. To be hoped... but unfortunately, by no means guaranteed.
Comment: #7
Posted by: hedgehog
Sat Apr 20, 2013 11:04 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
