I'm Not a Violent Guy by Dr. Robert Wallace on Creators.com

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I'm Not a Violent Guy

DR. WALLACE: Amanda and I had been dating for over seven months and we were quite serious. Then one evening I did something stupid, and we got into a huge argument. She was yelling at me. When she called me stupid, I slapped her in the face so hard that her glasses fell off. When I took her home, she said that she never wanted to see me again. The next day, her father called me and said that if I ever got near his daughter again, he would cause me great pain.

I really miss Amanda, and I know that she misses me because I think she really loves me. I'm truly sorry for my stupid mistake, and I know it will be hard to get her back. I'm asking you how I'm going to succeed in getting her to forgive me, and I know she will forgive me. I'm not a violent guy. This is the first time I ever slapped a girl. I don't know what came over me to hurt the one I love. - Nameless, Sacramento, Calif.

NAMELESS: Your cowardly behavior with your ex-girlfriend is unforgivable! You are fortunate that you didn't wind up in jail because you deserved time behind bars. Don't waste your time pursuing Amanda because she's not going to return to you. Instead, spend your time taking an anger management class, and then behave as a gentleman should when you are in the company of a lady. Consider yourself fortunate that Amanda's father only threatened you with "great pain." Some fathers wouldn't have been so lenient!

WONDERFUL WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH PARENTS

DR.

WALLACE: I have found a wonderful way to communicate with parents when emotions are running high. Instead of yelling, crying or slamming a door, I go to my room and write them a letter expressing my thoughts. Sometimes I write them a poem when I feel creative. It really works!

I don't always get my way, but my parents at least understand my views, and they do their best to explain why the answer is "no." I'd like to encourage all teens to give my method a try. It's effective and it keeps nerves from getting shattered. - Nameless, McComb, Miss.

NAMELESS: Excellent idea! The power of the pen can never be underestimated.

WE ARE TIRED OF MAKING UP

DR. WALLACE: My boyfriend and I want our "on-again, off-again," relationship to be on all the time. We are tired of making up. We say that we love each other, but yet we have problems. What do we need to do to have an "always happy" relationship? - Nameless, Talladega, Ala.

NAMELESS: I firmly believe that open and honest communication is the most essential ingredient in any healthy relationship. When a couple can discuss any situation, it eliminates doubt, innuendos and suspicion. Effective communication is the result of trust, friendship and love. In the absence of trust, a relationship can find anger with no love whatsoever.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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LW1: Ah, but you don't know how far you've already gone down this path. Pay attention to the language you've been using. "She WILL forgive me." "How do I succeed in getting her back?"

You're not listening. You wrecked it. She doesn't want you back. Even if you get back together now, it will never be like it was before. She'll be afraid of you. Do you want that? You've done something hurtful and terrible, and you're still making it about you. It can't be. And you can't guarantee that it won't happen again, not unless you get serious help for ways to deal with getting angry. She knows that too.

Consider this a terrible lesson. Get some anger management classes, then do better next time.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Jers
Tue Feb 7, 2012 10:00 AM

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LW1 -- What makes you think Amanda loves someone who hit her in the face so hard it knocked her glasses off?

When you love someone, it's partly because you feel that person has your back -- that is, isn't going to let anyone else hurt you. It goes without saying (or it should) that someone who truly loves you wouldn't take advantage of that closeness to stab you in the back -- which is what you did.

So your first step is to realize that Amanda's out of your life permanently, the consequence of your having lost your temper. Your second step is to take some action to prevent yourself from ruining another relationship like you did this one. That means "I'm not a violent guy" and "I don't know what came over me" aren't going to cut it. You gotta figure out that when someone pushes your buttons verbally (yelling and calling you stupid) it is NEVER justification for violence. You need to figure out how to hold on to your temper, because yes, your next relationship will at some point involve differences of opinion. You will do yourself an enormous favor if you learn NOW how to handle that without resorting to violence. Because you've certainly proven that, indeed, you CAN be a violent guy when provoked.l

Comment: #2
Posted by: hedgehog
Tue Feb 7, 2012 4:18 PM

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Writing a letter CAN be a very effective way to communicate respectfully and without getting in a huge fight.

I would just caution anyone using this approach... be careful that you don't make exaggerated, hurtful statements that you will regret later. It's bad enough to do that verbally, but it's much worse when you put it in writing and it is "permanent."

A good rule of thumb might be to put your letter aside for a few hours or days, and re-read it before you give it to them. When you are not angry, does what you said sound over-the-top? Are you going to regret it later? If so, time for a re-write.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Vivian
Tue Feb 7, 2012 5:42 PM

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Clearly you must think that I'm stupid or be stupid yourself. Probably a little bit of both.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Daphne
Fri Feb 10, 2012 9:04 AM

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I'm Not a Violent Guy

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