'Tween 12 and 20 by Dr. Robert Wallace

DR. WALLACE: I'm 19 and dating a 22-year-old guy who works with me. We met at work and have been going out for a few months. We have fun together, and he is the perfect gentleman.

On our first date, Allen told me that he had spent nine months behind bars. He and his two cousins robbed a convenience store. The holdup netted all of $115. However, the robbers (his cousins) were armed, and as they were leaving, one of them hit the clerk, a 21-year-old college student, in the face with the gun. The clerk's nose was broken and a cut on his cheek required stitches. Allen told me that hitting the clerk was pure meanness on his cousin's part.

Allen was the lookout and the driver of the getaway car. A surveillance camera caught the robbery on tape, and two weeks later the cousins were arrested and told the police about Allen's part. Both cousins are still in prison. And this is not their first time behind bars.

I made a huge mistake in telling my mother (my dad is dead) that Allen had spent some time in prison. She went berserk and said things like, "I thought I brought you up better than that," and "Never, in my wildest dreams, did I ever think my daughter would be dating a convict."

My mother and I are very close. We only have each other, and it bothers me to think that I'm hurting her by seeing Allen. I know that Allen is a good guy who made a bad mistake and paid dearly for it. What can I do to get my mother to give Allen a chance to prove that he never was a hardened criminal and that he deserves a chance to prove he is now a good citizen? — Nameless, Oakland, Calif.

NAMELESS: Your mother's reaction is perfectly understandable.

I'm sure 99 mothers out of 100 would be horribly upset to learn their daughter was dating a convicted felon. Prison time carries an enormous stigma, and not without some justification. Your boyfriend's cousins are cases in point.

Yet prisons are meant to rehabilitate as well as punish, and this can never happen if convicts, upon release, get no chance to prove they are ready to be good citizens. If all other doors are closed to them, they're far more likely to return to lives of crime.

You should recognize that your mother's distress is legitimate. Winning her over will take time and enormous patience. Allen will have to prove himself to her. This means the three of you should do things together as often as possible. If your boyfriend is genuinely repentant and can talk with your mom without being defensive, she'll slowly be able to judge him for what he is today, not what he did yesterday.

That's what we all want, but don't be surprised if your mother doesn't give Allen a second chance. As I said, prison time carries an enormous stigma, and some parents will never, ever, accept an ex-convict as a partner for their child.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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