Couple Should Consider Adopting Sister-in-law's Baby by Dr. Robert Wallace on Creators.com

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Couple Should Consider Adopting Sister-in-law's Baby

DR. WALLACE: My husband and I are thinking about adopting an infant baby, since we are incapable of having children because my husband had an injury when he was young. My husband's sister is 24, unmarried and will have her baby in a month or so. She plans to give the baby up for adoption; she will be moving to Mexico to live with her boyfriend in Mexico City.

My sister-in-law wants us to adopt her son (she already knows it's a boy). We would like to adopt the baby, but I've heard that adopted children have more problems socially and emotionally growing up. Do you have any information on this? We would like to adopt, but we don't want a child who will cause extra problems. — Gina, San Antonio.

GINA: According to a study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, teens adopted early in life are as well-adjusted as most other teens and, in some ways, do better. The four-year study of children who were less than 15 months old when adopted revealed that more than 75 percent of adopted teens "are in a very positive zone of mental health," according to psychologist Peter Benson.

Only 27 percent of the 881 adopted teens surveyed thought that being adopted "is a big part of how I think of myself." The adopted teens were also slightly less likely to engage in high-risk behavior, such as substance abuse and early sex.

If your husband and you become loving compassionate parents, your lives will be blessed and enriched with the addition of a baby boy. By all means, adopt.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT NAME MISTAKE

DR. WALLACE: Jeff and I met at a party and have gone out several times. He's a great guy, and we have tons of fun when we're together. Before we met, Jeff had gone out with Kelly for over a year, but they broke up because her family moved.

My problem is that several times when we were on a date, he inadvertently called me Kelly. He always realizes his mistake and apologizes, but this makes me feel like I'm his second choice. So far, I haven't said anything about this "slip of the tongue," but if it happens again, I think I will.

I discussed this with my parents and my mother told me to forget about it — he called me Kelly out of habit, not because he secretly wants me to be her. My dad says if he calls me Kelly again, I should call him George every once in awhile. George is the guy I dated before I met Jeff. Whose advice should I take? There are times I like my dad's advice better than my mom's. — Carmen, Dallas.

CARMEN: I agree with Mom. What's important is that Jeff is a great guy and you have fun when you're together. I'm positive his slips of the tongue will end shortly.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE TUESDAY, MAY 5, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Teen Should Continue Letter Writing with Pen Pal

DR. WALLACE: I have a pen pal in England that I found through my church. We have written about three letters and exchanged photographs. I have enjoyed Richard's letters, but he signed his last letter, "Love, Richard," and this bothered me.

Should I write and tell him not to close his letters with "Love," or should I just ignore it as long as his letters don't become too personal? — Shelly, Las Vegas.

SHELLY: Ignore the "Love" closing and continue to enjoy the letters from him.

TEEN MUST GIVE HER MARRIAGE A CHANCE

DR. WALLACE: I need your advice. I'm 19, married and the mother of a 6-month-old baby girl. I was pregnant before I got married, and the baby's father married me when he found out about the baby. I commend him for that. He is a great father and husband. He has a good job and no problem supporting his family.

My issue is that after being married for 10 months, I don't think I love my husband. When I'm at home with him, I find myself wanting to go out with other guys. I feel trapped and don't like that feeling. My husband loves me very much, and I'm sorry that I can't return his love. What should I do? — Nameless, Burlington, Iowa.

NAMELESS: Nobody said it was easy to have a successful marriage. It takes total dedication by both husband and wife to make a marriage grow into a loving relationship. You are very young and inexperienced, both as a mother and a wife. Be thankful that you have a husband who loves you and is a great father and a good provider.

You must recall the reasons you were attracted to your husband when you first started dating. Remember the fun you had together before your life changed with the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood. Arrange for a sitter and set aside time to go out for dinner, dancing or a movie with your husband to recapture the magic you once felt with him. And remember that he, too, has had to make adjustments; he may be feeling "left out" because you must share your time with the baby, whereas he was once your "beau" and was used to your full attention.

Do everything in your power to see that your family is nurtured by love and devotion. Don't be misled by the "wonderful" outside world. It isn't so wonderful. You owe it to your baby daughter, your husband and yourself to do everything within your power to give your marriage a chance to succeed. Believe me, it will be worth your time, effort and sacrifice. Please write to me in a month to let me know how things are going.

TEEN DOESN'T NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING OTHER PLANS

DR. WALLACE: My boyfriend and I planned to go out last Saturday night, but by 4 p.m. he hadn't called. So, when one of my friends called and invited me to go bowling with "the girls" and said she'd pick me up at 6:45, I said to count me in.

At 6 p.m., Karl called and said to get ready in a hurry because we were going to a party. When I said I made plans with my friends, he got bent out of shape and said that I was breaking our date. I said I waited until 4:45 to decide to go out with friends because I wasn't sure he was going to call. He wanted me to cancel with my friends, but I refused. I told him that he could go bowling with us, but he said, "No way," and hung up. I know he will sulk for about a week, then call wanting me to apologize for "doing him wrong." My sister thinks I did, but my mom doesn't think so. Did I do him wrong? — Suzanne, Norman, Okla.

SUZANNE: You did him right! He should have called earlier. You invited him to join the group, but he turned it down. If anybody needs to apologize, it's Karl.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE WEDNESDAY, MAY 6, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Teen Can Date Her Guy Friend Without Hot and Heavy Romance

DR. WALLACE: I'm dating a guy who is a good friend. We really don't have a lot going romantically — we just have a good time when we are together.

My best friend thinks I'm crazy. She thinks couples should date because they "turn each other on," and she believes I'm wasting my time going out with a guy who will never be my husband. She does have a point! I know you will tell me to continue dating my guy friend, but I just want to see it in print. — Nameless, Centralia, Wash.

NAMELESS: The prime reason teens date is to have fun, not to search for a mate. Continue dating your friend just as long as you two enjoy being together.

TELL GUY YOU AREN'T INTERESTED IN HANGING OUT

DR. WALLACE: Over the Easter break, I spent two days visiting my cousin in Cleveland. While I was there, she fixed me up with her boyfriend's friend. We double-dated and I had a nice time. This guy asked my cousin for my address and she gave it to him. That disappointed me. He had asked me for it, but I told him "no."

Well, to make a long story short, he wrote and said he wanted to drive to Toledo, Ohio, to visit me. I don't want this to happen. Should I write to him and say I will not see him if he comes to Toledo? Should I tell him not to contact me again? Or should I just toss his letter and ask my cousin to tell him that I don't want to see or hear from him again? — Nameless, Toledo, Ohio.

NAMELESS: Write to him and express your feelings, so he will know exactly where he stands. Things sometimes get muddled when a third party intervenes.

PUBERTY CAUSES TEENS TO CONSTANTLY THINK ABOUT SEX

DR. WALLACE: I heard my 14-year-old daughter discussing sex with her girlfriend. They were not aware that I overheard their discussion. I wasn't shocked, but I was surprised at how much they knew. The thing that concerned me was a statement by my daughter that she thinks about sex almost every day. What should I do about this? Is there trouble on the horizon for her? Help! — Mother, Knoxville, Ill.

MOTHER: You might say there's "trouble on the horizon" for her — it's called puberty! It is not surprising that a 14-year-old girl thinks about sex nearly every day. She's maturing physically and her hormones are extremely active. Thoughts of sex are normal and unavoidable for both boys and girls. This happened to you, and it happened to me.

The most important thing for you to bear in mind is that thinking about sex is one thing, but having sex is another. The best way to guarantee that your daughter's thoughts don't lead to behavior problems is to remain a loving parent and keep the channels of communication open.

BORED TEENS SHOULD REACH OUT TO SENIOR CITIZENS

DR.

WALLACE: I was interested in the letter from the two 15-year-old girls who were bored. They were tired of going to the mall to kill time and wanted something exciting to do. I've got the perfect remedy.

I'm an 88-year-"young" lady who spends much time at a local senior citizen's center. We would love to chat with teens and share our wisdom, experience and love with them. I guarantee these teens won't become bored. It's a definite win-win situation for them and for us. — Grandmother, Salt Lake City.

GRANDMOTHER: You offer a splendid suggestion. Teens are a most caring group, and I'm positive many will take advantage of your generous offer.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE THURSDAY, MAY 7, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Any Type of Tan Causes Wrinkles and Skin Damage

DR. WALLACE: I'm a faithful reader of your column and hope you will answer my question. When I exercise, I open my mouth really wide several times because I thought it would tone my face a little, but now I've been told this can cause wrinkles. Is this true? — Carlotta, Cedar Lake, Ind.

CARLOTTA: Old age and the sun are to blame for wrinkles, not exercise. If exercise were the cause, both male and female athletes would look like prunes.

Since you want to avoid wrinkled skin, the following letter should be of interest to you:

DR. WALLACE: Every summer I get a dark tan; I love the look. I use the proper sunscreen and have never had sunburns. Is it still dangerous to get a tan if the skin never burns? I know that a slight tan is healthy. How about the deep, rich tan? — Lisa, Plattsburgh, N.Y.

LISA: There's no such thing as a healthy tan. Simply put, a tan is the result of your skin being baked. A slight tan is bad, a dark tan is worse, and a burn is worst of all. "Baked skin" can result in everything from premature wrinkling to skin cancer (the most common kind of cancer). Of course, if you plan to spend time in the sun, it is imperative that you use a sunscreen rated at least SPF 15. Unprotected skin can be harmed by ultraviolet rays in as little as 15 minutes. Sunscreen reduces sun damage, but does not eliminate it.

TEEN CAN MAKE A COMPROMISE WITH MOM FOR PHONE PRIVILEGES

DR. WALLACE: I'm an active young lady and get good grades in school. I also have two very close friends. As soon as I arrive home from school, I call one of my friends or one of them calls me. We talk about homework, what happened at school, boys and a lot of other neat stuff. This call usually takes about 30 minutes.

Then around 6:30, after supper, I call the other friend or she calls me. We will discuss the same things. This conversation usually takes another half-hour. Then at 10 p.m., I call one of my friends to discuss the TV programs we just watched. Between calls, I do all my chores and homework.

Last night, my mom was in a grumpy mood and got upset with the time I spend on the phone. She said I was just wasting time, and from now on I can only be on the phone for a total of 30 minutes. If I speak longer, I will be forced to lose one day's worth of telephone privileges. She said that she was going to time every call.

I feel my mom overreacted. Do you agree? If you agree with me, Mom might change her mind. Sometimes I laugh a lot on the phone, which interferes with Mom's TV watching. — Nameless, Moncton, New Brunswick.

NAMELESS: Agree to eliminate the 10 p.m. "TV evaluation" calls and ask for two 20-minute calls per evening with your friends. This might be a reasonable compromise for an active young lady who gets good grades. A lot of juicy information can be sent over the telephone wires in 40 minutes. If Mom won't change her mind, see if you can squeeze in a few extra minutes by doing more chores.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE FRIDAY, MAY 8, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Teen Married Her Former High School Teacher

DR. WALLACE: About two years ago, I wrote to you and explained that I was a 17-year-old high school cheerleader who was in love with our football coach, who at the time was 25. You told me not to get involved with the coach and to start seeing guys my own age. I gave your advice some serious consideration, but love won out in the end.

I am pleased to announce that the coach and I have been married for over a year and have a beautiful 3-month-old daughter, Lisa. At first, my parents and friends were furious that I was romantically seeing one of my teachers, but they all have changed their minds. Everyone who knows my husband understands that he is a caring and loving human being.

I'm thankful that you took the time to print my letter, but I'm very thankful that I didn't take your advice. What do you have to say about that?

Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that my husband is no longer teaching. He went into the family business with his father and brother, and he makes more money now than he ever did as a teacher. — Nameless, Denver.

NAMELESS: What's done is done. I wish you, your husband and baby all the best. You are now a family and that's of prime importance. I'm thrilled that everything has worked out beautifully for you, but if another 17-year-old student wrote telling me that she was, or wanted to become, romantically involved with one of her teachers, I'd give her the same advice: Don't do it!

Teacher-student affairs at the high school level almost always end in disaster, usually for both parties. Your story is the rare exception.

It doesn't surprise me that your husband left teaching. I'm pleased that he's financially successful, but I am not shocked that he's making more money working in the family business. Nearly all professionals earn more money than teachers.

MOM CALLS TO CHECKUP BECAUSE SHE LOVES HER DAUGHTER

DR. WALLACE: I'm 15 and a trustworthy young lady. I love my mom very much, even though she is super strict and always checks up on me. Every Wednesday after school, I go to my best friend's house to work together on a research paper for social ecology. I always get to her house at 3:15 and leave by 4:45.

Every Wednesday morning, Mom calls my girlfriend's mom to ask permission for me to go over there. The answer is always the same, "Yes, it's no bother and we enjoy having Elise as a guest." That's not bad enough. Mom calls and asks my friend's mom if I'm there every Wednesday afternoon. The answer is always the same, "Yes, your daughter is here and the girls are working on their assignment."

It really bothers me that my mom won't trust me, and it is a source of embarrassment that she constantly checks up on me. Sometimes I wonder if she calls the school to see if I'm in class. What can I do to get Mom to stop acting like she works for the FBI? — Elise, Phoenix.

ELISE: Your mom is concerned about your safety and welfare when you are out of her sight. It's not so much that she doesn't trust you; it's more that she feels relieved when she knows you are safe and sound. You needn't be embarrassed by Mom's calls. I'm sure your friend's mom understands how she feels.

Instead of waiting for that afternoon checkup call, why not call your mother when you arrive? And if it makes her feel better, let her say a few words to your friend's mom. Believe me, it's much better to have a parent like your mom than to have one who doesn't care where you go or who you're with.

TWEEN 12 & 20

BY DR. ROBERT WALLACE

RELEASE SATURDAY, MAY 9, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Alcohol is a Major Issue with College Students

TEENS: Thousands of seniors will be graduating from high school in less than a month, and many will be attending college this fall — a big step! Most of you will be away from home and the watchful eyes of Mom and Dad for the first time. All the desirable traits your parents instilled in you will be tested. Your primary purpose there, of course, will be to study hard, maintain a high grade point average and learn as much as possible. Still, it's also important to make new friends and to have a fulfilling social life.

All schools have plenty of on-campus social events designed to keep students from leaving campus. But students do go off campus, primarily for one reason — alcohol. The peer pressure on college students to drink is overpowering.

The University of Colorado conducted a survey of 500 high-school seniors in all 50 states. Twenty-nine percent admitted that they consumed two or more alcoholic drinks weekly, while 53 percent said they never consumed alcohol.

A Harvard University study of 10,000 college students found that 44 percent were binge drinkers (four drinks a night for females, five for males), and 37 percent admitted to consuming alcohol but not bingeing. Only 19 percent said they abstained from drinking.

The sad fact is that alcohol and higher education go hand-in-hand; the evidence is conclusive. College administrators are well aware of this and are doing what they can to curb student drinking. Still, the primary responsibility lies with each individual student. Just say no! It may not be easy or popular, but the rewards can be enormous.

BREAKING CURFEW CAUSES TENSION BETWEEN GUY AND DATE'S PARENTS

DR. WALLACE: I'm 16 and dating Zachary, who is 17. I have an 11:30 p.m. curfew when we go out. Last night, Zachary brought me home at midnight. I was a half-hour late because I told Zachary to drive by the river. It was a full moon and I wanted to see the moon's reflection on the water. Zachary told me it was too late and I'd get into trouble with my parents. I told him I wanted to see the water — it would be worth getting into trouble to see it.

Well, when I got home, my dad told me to go to my room immediately and then jumped all over Zachary for bringing me home late. All Zachary said was that he was sorry and it would never happen again. He never put the blame on me. After he left, I told my dad that Zachary was innocent and it was my fault. But both my mother and father said it was his responsibility to get me home on time, since he was driving the car and knew my curfew.

Who do you think was more to blame, Zachary or I? It's really important for you to answer my letter. My dad is thinking about stopping us from dating because of this. I'm gambling that you will place the bulk of blame on me, not Zachary. — Connie, Greenville, Miss.

CONNIE: I'd parcel out 90 percent of the blame to you, 10 percent to Zachary. I'm sure the moonlight reflected on the Mississippi River is gorgeous, but you put Zachary in a difficult situation.

Next time you want to challenge your parents' rules, don't have your date in the middle of it.