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Formula Isn't Poison
Note: The following sample column is an excerpt from Teresa Strasser's new book, "Exploiting My Baby." Teresa's new column will appear online and in papers every weekend beginning Feb. 12, 2011.
Every week, I go to a breastfeeding moms support group. I stopped nursing three months ago.
At first, I tried to blend — made my baby a bottle of formula beforehand and fed it to him during the group hoping people would assume it was previously pumped breast milk. But I've gotten brazen. Now I just take out my little bottles of Good Start and feed him right there, as the other moms try not to stare in horror.
I guess I'm just lonely.
Any guilt I had about weaning at 4 months is healed by these weekly meetings — the nonstop obsessing about what size breast shields to use, what kinds of supplements to use, how often to pump and for how long, how to wake up in the middle of the night to pump so the supply doesn't drop, the best way to freeze and store milk, how to deal with plugged ducts and babies that need to nurse every hour through the night.
Sometimes, I want to raise my hand and say, "Listen, you crazy mamas, it's not all about the breastfeeding. I'm sure you can bond with your babies in lots of ways that don't involve turning your lives inside out just to make sure you never expose your baby to an ounce of formula. It's not poison."
But I was one of those crazy mamas. I took the herbal supplements and drank the tea. I tried to go as long as I could, but at 4 months, supply just couldn't meet demand. Did I want to make motherhood all about nursing, or did I want to let go knowing I did the best I could?
Well, I didn't want to let go, but my body was in charge, and that's how it went. The well ran dry. To see the pressure these women put on themselves is to look in a mirror. Would I have been a better mother if I chose to get up every couple of hours and pump so I could keep nursing? Or would I have been a sleep-deprived mess who let myself get brainwashed by my peers?
So I go to the group. Maybe just to kill time, but maybe also to feel better about the formula thing because these moms look downright miserable. In the end, instead of feeling inferior, I just feel relieved. I have enough crazy obsessions without adding this one. And as much as I truly understand that breast milk is superior, I wonder about all the struggles that seem to go with nursing a baby.
It's natural. It's right. It's what Mother Nature intended. And yet, so is breathing, and most moms don't go to breathing support groups. My pediatrician says we need help to nurse properly because we no longer live in communal situations with aunts and cousins and elders who could show us how to do it. Stores and groups and books are the new "village" it takes to raise a child, or at least to nurse it successfully.
The dark secret for me is that I had to work. Worse: I chose to work. I had a book to write, and I went off for four hours a day and let the baby have a bottle. Maybe that's why I stopped making enough milk. The less I made, the more formula I needed to use, the less I produced, the more I used formula, the more demand shrunk, supply shrunk, the whole thing unraveled, and it's all my fault for working. Or that's what I tell myself when I'm kicking myself in the butt about the whole thing.
The pendulum has swung so far since the days when doctors advised moms that formula was best, when nursing was seen as radical and kooky. Now, if you don't nurse your baby for at least six months, you are a selfish failure. In the tacit competition between moms over who can nurse the longest, the competition that may exist only in my mind: I LOSE.
Yes, I liked nursing. It was pretty sweet knowing I could keep my baby alive with my boobs. I did feel like a natural woman. At the pediatrician, I felt like a rock star. Around formula-feeding moms, I felt a potent mixture of superiority and pity. And after awhile, I felt like an idiot for my nonstop focus on how I could keep it all going.
When I see what these nursing moms are going through, I don't miss it. I'm angry that the unintended consequence of this well-meaning "breast is best" movement is to guilt working moms into nursing on demand, all the time, all night long, for six months or until most jobs won't want you back. The accidental message is that if you don't press the pause button on every aspect of your life to nurse your baby, you are the worst thing in the world: a bad mom.
So maybe I don't go to the nursing moms support group just because I'm lonely. Maybe I go because I'm guilty.
Teresa Strasser is an Emmy-winning television writer, a two-time Los Angeles Press Club Columnist of the Year and a multimedia personality. She is the author of a new book, "Exploiting My Baby," the rights to which have been optioned by Sony Pictures. To find out more about Teresa Strasser and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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17 Comments | Post Comment
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I commend you for not making it all about you and making it about the nourishment of your child. The judgmental behavior you describe from other moms is just sickening.
I think some women turn births and stuff like this into some weird I am woman, hear me roar kind of thing. I've actually seen weird letters to advice columnists from mothers who resented their babies because they didn't have the birth experience they dreamed of.
I'm like, omgaw! You're not happy that your baby is alive and healthy? It's not about you, it's about that life you created and brought into the world.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Miss Sashay
Sat Jan 22, 2011 8:09 AM
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Good for you for making a decision that works best for you. I wish you and your family the best.
I'm in total agreement with Miss Sashay above. I have some friends who, after having children, become fixated on the ideal of being the "perfect" natural mother - how natural the childbirth was, how long they can breast-feed, how to avoid immunizations and providing protection from, well, life. Having worked with children my whole life, we are much more in unison with our friends who simply try their best without focusing on the standards set by those who don't necessarily know any better. There's ultimately no standard for how to raise kids, and it's unfortunate that women of our generation focus so heavily on competing with one another to fit into this strange ideal of the "perfect mother."
Best wishes for you and your family!
Comment: #2
Posted by: Qantas10
Sun Jan 23, 2011 3:15 AM
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I think 4 months is a little too early.... i breastfed my eldest until he was in preschool, and the youngest until he was three. I too, worked, and a cooperating boss allowed me to pump a few times a day. I was also able to give another baby my milk for a few months because his mom was very ill. I drank lots of water, and ate recommended foods. It wasn't that hard.
Comment: #3
Posted by: 80slady
Sun Jan 23, 2011 3:55 AM
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...and I think 3 and 4 years (a guess at the common preschool age, you didn't specify) is waay too long...sorry for not being awestruck by your total awesomeness. I milked for each child a full year, but I just admire my superior-mother medals in private...oh wait, those are imaginary.
Comment: #4
Posted by: paco
Sun Jan 23, 2011 4:44 AM
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This article hit home for me in so many ways. I had my only child at 36 and breast-fed her exclusively because she would not take a bottle. She wouldn't take a bottle from anyone unless she was ravenous and screaming. And she wouldn't take a bottle from me. She had five bottles in her entire babyhood. Am I proud of that? NO. It's the choice I made because it worked for our whole family.
I had abdominal surgery when I was twenty-eight. I was told afterwards that if I ever had a child, it would HAVE to be delivered by c-section, otherwise I would risk a uterine rupture. Which could spell D-E-A-T-H for either me or the child or both. Why take that chance? Oh, and they also told me my chance for getting pregnant was nil.
When I did get pregnant, I was advised by perfect strangers to "go natural". It would be best for my baby and me. Being open and stupid, I would tell them, "I can't, I had surgery and I really have to have a planned c-section". Woman after woman looked at me like I was telling them I was planning on killing my baby at birth. Two actually asked me, "you are just going to listen to what some doctor told you?"
Other mothers can be our greatest enemy at times. I didn't push my daughter to learn her letters, numbers and colors by age three. I didn't push her to potty-train until she was past her third birthday. One woman actually suggested there must be something wrong with my child and maybe I should have her evaluated for mental deficiencies. Of course, my child now reads better than her child, so where does that leave us?
I really agree with all the comments made by Paco, Qantas10 and Miss Sashay.
Sorry 80slady, but you are exactly the type of Mommy I try to avoid.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Chelle
Sun Jan 23, 2011 12:40 PM
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Oh and I should not have said that I PUSHED my child to potty train. It took a week to potty train my daughter and she had very few accidents. My other friend pushed her child at age 2 1/2 and it took ten months to potty train that child.
I didn't push my child before I started training her, I let her tell me when she was ready. She told me she wanted to wear Cindarella panties. I told her that meant she needed to use the potty and she said, "okay". And that was that.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Chelle
Sun Jan 23, 2011 12:45 PM
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Every mom is different and every child is different. I think I breast-fed each of my two sons for about three weeks before switching to formula. They grew into fine, healthy boys.
@Chelle,
You deserve a lot of credit for letting your child go at her own pace and not caving in to what other mothers thought you should do. A mother knows her own child better than anyone else. It's just too bad that there are so many busybodies out there who think they know what's best for everyone.
Comment: #7
Posted by: JMG
Sun Jan 23, 2011 1:20 PM
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When did I stop breastfeeding my 3 babies? When I realized how much I resented not having me time.
I breastfed the first one 11 months, the second one 11 weeks and the third one 9 or 10 months. It was hard and I gained weight while doing it, weight I have not lost and the youngest is 2.
Breastfeed, don't breastfeed. Just don't feel smug about either decision.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Dottie
Sun Jan 23, 2011 7:32 PM
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While I agree that some moms are annoyingly over the top about their being a "right" way for birth, nursing, how soon to retun to work after birth, potty-training, etc., it seems to me the writer (Ms. Strasser) is just as bad.
My own story: I DID breastfeed my kid. For 14 months. Started supplementing with solid food around 5 mos. My baby never had formula. Not because I think that's the only right way - it just worked for us. I got lucky in that I made tons of milk & my baby took to nursing. I was also lucky in being able to pump at work (went back full time when she was 9 weeks old), and lucky that my baby was equally happy to drink breatsmilk from a bottle as from me directly. So her daddy got a chance to feed her sometimes too, and it was still my milk.
But I considered that good luck with breastfeeding as payback for bad luck with morning sickness during pregnancy. I was so sick I didn't know how I'd make it to the birth, threw up the whole 9 months, So there was no rosy musing on birthplans or keeping a pregnancy journal for me - my every waking moment was about trying to keep some nourishment down and not mortifyy myself by puking in public.
Every mom had good luck in some areas & bad luck in others. Some good luck that came out of my morning sickness is I did not gain much weight, altho the kid was over 8lbs. And I certainly did not have postpartem depression, was so glad it was over! On the other hand I also had bad luck in labor, and ending up having c-section. But luckily I recovered from it more quickly than girlfriends who gave birth the "right" way.
Frankly, one reason I was so into breastfeeding was the simple fact that it justified my eating more to produce milk, and after months of not being able to eat, it was a real treat to enjoy eating again. Some of my friends had better luck in pregnancy or toilet training than I did, but just couldn't get the breastfeeding to work. That's no reflection on them.
But for goodness sake, I don't see why anyone would go to a breastfeeding group! If you think it's so wonderful for bonding with your baby, why are you out doing it with other women, instead of home or some other quiet place where your attention is on your baby? OK, so I wasn't always nursing under such idyllic conditions - sometimes I was walking around doing household tasks while the kid was sucking away - as I said, my baby was a great nurser, not picky about the surroundings.
But I can't imagine taking time to just hang around nursing with a bunch of moms. Seems like it's bound to end up being all about women comparing themselves to each other.
And sure enough, that's what Ms. Strasser did. She whines about how unfair it is to judge her for having weaned when she did, but she admits that before she weaned, she judged bottle feeding moms, and after weaning, she attended the group just so she could judge the moms who were still breastfeeding as looking "downright miserable". Maybe they are miserable, not because they are still breastfeeding, but because they are hanging out in a "support group" where members judge them rather than support them!
And even if breastfeeding groups CAN be a positive thing, why would you join one when you are not breastfeeding?!?!? It's like joining bridge club when you don't play bridge, just to complain that everyone else is playing bridge at the meetings! Can't she find some activity that she does particpate in, and join a club for that?
If she really is that desperate for company, you have to think there is some reason, which is not the fault of the breastfeeding moms.
Comment: #9
Posted by: cassandr
Mon Jan 24, 2011 9:58 AM
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Bless the mommas that breast feed through preschool and bless the mommas that are only able to breast feed a few days and all in-between. Those that even try breastfeeding know it is not easy and some women find that their body just won't produce the nourishment that the baby needs. No one should ever feel bad about breastfeeding whether it is for a day or 4 years. Personally I tried with my children for about 6 weeks each and found that I was one that just could not produce enough nourishment and I had no choice but supplement. I am proud of myself for trying and I'm sure that what little time I did breastfeed provided my children with a much stronger immune system than had I not at all. I think it would be great if all mothers where encouraged to breastfeed at least for the few days while they are in the hospital. My hospital did not encourage it and actually gave my 1st. child formula without me knowing until it was too late. There were no support groups then either. We should be thankful for formula. Formula has given life to many healthy babies. Being a mother is the hardest job I've ever had. I'm thankful that I had formula to give my babies when my body could no longer give them the nourishment they needed. Love the column! I say if you enjoy the support group, keep going and be proud! 
Thanks!
Comment: #10
Posted by: Sugaree
Tue Jan 25, 2011 6:02 AM
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My baby was 2 months premature because I was preeclamptic. She was never able to breast feed. She was so small that my breasts were bigger than her head. I tired pumping, but it caused me to be so deficient in minerals that it put me back in the hospital (I don't quite remember when. I woke up in the hospital and don't know how long I had been there) I had to buy her special formula for the first 6 months. No one ever gave me grief over it. She was too cute to ever get around to it. Everyone just told me how adorable she was.
Comment: #11
Posted by: MT
Tue Jan 25, 2011 3:55 PM
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The only problem I see with Ms. Strasser's column is that she is swinging a bit to the other extreme. No, formula is not poison, but women who go out of their way to breastfeed for as long as possible are not "crazy mamas." They are doing what they are doing because they believe that it's best for their babies. They are, actually, right in that human milk is the best food for human infants. Formula is merely an adequate substitute. It's passing the judgments on the women who do not follow the same practices that I, personally, find objectionable.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Ariana
Tue Jan 25, 2011 4:30 PM
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Re: Ariana From what I understand, they crossed the line into crazy mama mode when someone does something contrary to what they do and believe and act like drama queens. I've seen a few myself. I have an ex friend who pretty much acted like moms who didn't home make all their baby's food from strict organic food sources should practically be turned in to CPS. It's the fanaticism that makes them look bonkers.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Miss Sashay
Wed Jan 26, 2011 6:38 AM
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I completely agree that there is a tremendous amount of judging and guilt-inducing going on related to the whole "breast is best" movement. There are ALL KINDS of totally legitimate, non-selfish reasons a woman might not be able to breast feed at all, or only for a short period of time, and no one should be judging a woman for that.
BUT...I can't help feeling like Ms. Strasser is now doing the exact same thing in reverse. She doesn't go to those support group meetings because she's lonely -- she goes there to gloat about how much more sane she is than the "crazy mamas" at the meeting. She goes there to see how miserable they are so she can feel better about the choices she made. Sorry, but that is just as narrow and judgmental as the women who look down on those for not breast feeding.
It sounds like Ms. Strasser made the completely right choice both for her and for her baby, and she should be completely at peace with that decision. The most honest part of this entire column is at the very end, where she admits that maybe she doesn't go to these meetings because she's lonely -- she goes because she still feels guilty.
Teresa -- give yourself a break. You made the right choices for yourself and for your baby. You are right that the "breast is best" movement -- which is only a small slice of the entire "a good mom sacrifices everything for her children" movement -- puts an incredible amount of pressure on women that is simply unfair. Stop judging all those "crazy mamas," own your decisions, and move on.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Jan 28, 2011 1:10 PM
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You have nothing to worry about. I have a close friend whose baby was allergic to her breast milk. I t took months to figure this out. It only happened when her MIL advised her to get a second medical opinion. She had to find a new group of mothers to socialize with because the GUILT GROUPERS wouldn't accept a mother who wasn't breast feeding. The BREAST-FEEDING CULT is as nasty as any cult. You have done what is best for your family. Find a new support group which is more balanced.
Comment: #15
Posted by:
Sat Jan 29, 2011 9:41 AM
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I am one of the women of the world who cannot breastfeed, no milk except a few drops, just never happened. First child they thought it was because I hemorrhaged badly after the birth, my poor daughter starved for a week because of it. I had it so ingrained into my head to breastfeed and in that week she had maybe 8 ounces of formula as I kept trying not knowing I had no milk. As a new mother I had no clue in that respect. Second daughter same thing, no milk, textbook easy delivery (my first was easy too until an hour after the birth), no complications this time. I was forewarned this time, still tried to breastfeed but supplemented after trying each time with formula. Tried maybe 5 days this time, no milk, nothing, so my hemorrhaging the first time had nothing to do with lack of mild production. So both babies were on formula for a year before changing over to milk. No one every got on my case. If anyone asked I just said I could not breastfeed as I had nonfunctioning mammary glands, they just did not work, period. I know most women can though. I am very flat-chested (AA cup) but knew that did not matter as doctors told me that had nothing to do with it and as another friend of mine, also an AA was able to breastfeed her two kids. I don't remember how long she breastfed. One weird thing is during my first pregnancy my left breast grew (A/B on that side now) but the right did not, talk about freaky. Another fried was determined to breastfeed for a year and I think she did, some for the health properties, some to save money. We spent a fortune on formula (about $60-90 a week) and that was the powder stuff as both my kids did not like the premixed stuff. My second did not drink as much, but my first would suck it down, always wondered if it was because she starved for a week, still a big milk drinker today , while my other daughter isn't. --But I thing a women should do what is best for her circumstances, whether it be breastfeeding, or half-half, or formula. It is her business and the child will be fine either way. Both my kids have had issues but not because I could not breastfeed, that would be idiotic to think. #1 could not talk, had speech apraxia and had speech therapy from age 3-5, fine now and a straight A student in middle school; #2 was diagnosed with cancer at age 5, now 10 and doing fine, cancer is gone, and no recurrence and extremely good prognosis for a long healthy life with no recurrences as it would have happened by now if it was gonna happen. Am I being punished because I did not breastfeed??? Remember I couldn't, I wanted to, just not physically able. Are there some mom's out there that would think that, probably, but bullpucky. Just dumb to get so wrapped up in that. Even if I could have, I highly doubt I would have gone more than 3 months, 6 at the max if I'd been really committed, and I did not work so I would have not had that excuse. Crazy to let it rule you life .
Comment: #16
Posted by: L
Sat Jan 29, 2011 10:56 AM
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Okay, this is more than a month later, but I find I cannot contain myself.
@ Chelle:
"You are just going to listen to what some doctor told you?"
"Well, I'm certainly going to listen to what some doctor tells me over what some ignorant, officious busybody tells me," smiling straight into her eyes....
Comment: #17
Posted by: Khlovia
Tue Mar 8, 2011 2:58 PM
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