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Would You Date Someone With Herpes?
We've had several columns lately about herpes and whether it's a big deal or not. I think it is. Not the biggest deal in the world, not a reason to never date, have sex or marry, but a big deal nonetheless.
I asked whether you'd date anyone with herpes. Here's what you said ...
Chalotte: I was recently was diagnosed with herpes 2, and I feel like such an idiot. I got it from a new acquaintance. (Needless to say, I'm not seeing him since he shared this curse with me.) Although we used a condom the first time we had sex, the other two times we didn't. I had symptoms a few days later.
I never had them before, and my doctor told me this is a new outbreak so this man obviously gave it to me. I was devastated at the diagnosis. But my friends have supported me, encouraged me and reassured me this is not life- threatening. They've told me to stop beating myself up.
The real problem I'm having is what to do when and if I meet that someone special. How do I tell him? I'm terrified that he's going to run in the other direction. I know I might not have another outbreak. But then again, I might. Who knows? And what are the chances that the man might contract herpes even if all precautions are taken?
I'm scared of dating. I feel I'll be rejected. My libido is very low, and I just can't get into dating or even flirting knowing I have this.
You asked your readers if they'd date someone with herpes. Before this, my answer would have been no. But knowing what I know now — having educated myself — I'd say if it were someone I truly cared about, I'd have no problem dating him.
(Readers: Do you have herpes? How do you deal with dating and sex? When and how do you tell potential partners?)
Louise: You know, I honestly don't care that herpes can "be managed well and easily," as one reader wrote. I don't care if it causes "the least trouble" of the viral STDs." The fact is, it's a disease, and it requires medication.
You don't get herpes by being in the same environs as someone with the disease. You don't get it by swimming in the same pool or sharing a locker room. Other than through rape, it takes a conscious act. It's not like a cold.
I live alone and have no one to care for me when I'm ill, so I do my best to avoid getting sick. I can't avoid people who are incubating upper respiratory infections when I go out in public, but I can stay away from people I know are sick and contagious.
If I were to get herpes from someone who didn't know he was infected, well that's the luck of the draw. But to knowingly risk my health and sign up to possibly catch a disease that you do not get over sounds like playing Russian roulette.
Maybe there's the right guy out there whom I would love with so much depth and commitment that risking herpes would be a minor consideration. My experience, however, is that men and women these days see sex as more of a pleasant pastime than as a way of expressing love for the person you want to be with for the rest of your life.
Have you been in Tales? Send your update, along with your questions and problems to cheryllavin@aol.com. And check out my blog www.talesfromthefront.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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20 Comments | Post Comment
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I'd date someone with herpes. But, I'm 46 and a lot more cautious about sex than I used to be. These days, if I were to go to bed with someone, there would have been some relationship first and we would have talked about it. I'm married and my husband has a heart condition. No, it's not potentially contagious like herpes, but it does affect our relationship. Just because I'm healthier than he is right now doesn't mean that I will always be healthy. Sickness is a hazard of aging. I think that's why a lot of marriage vow put that quote in there "In sickness and in health". I don't know, if I had to choose an illness for my husband: herpes or heart disease, I'm not sure I'd choose heart disease. Those people who think that if they date a perfectly healthy person, they will be married to a perfectly healthy person are in la-la land. My husband didn't have heart disease when first started dating. That happened later. Again, don't equate being healthy now to being healthy later. So yes, I'd consider dating a person with health issues, including herpes.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Irene Hollimon
Sun Feb 28, 2010 6:39 AM
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I don't think the problem with dating a person with herpes is that people want to marry a healthy partner. People go into a marriage recognizing that their partner has the potential for developing diseases and conditions. I think it is that they want to avoid future stigma if the casual relationship doesn't work out AND they are now infected with herpes. But as a young person with lots of potential dating life I personally would not have sex with a person with herpes unless I was engaged to them or married to them. Date, sure, sex, no.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jackie
Sun Feb 28, 2010 7:47 AM
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So, if a person has a great big HERPES "cold sore" on their face, that's OK, but if a person has two outbreaks a year "down south", it's "Russian Roulette"? Interchangeable viruses, people - it's a cold sore, not the bubonic plague. Trust me, I know days in advance before an outbreak arrives, I've had it for 25 years, and have NEVER given it to ANYONE.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Barbara B.
Sun Feb 28, 2010 3:45 PM
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Maybe, but probably not in a casual date setting. Only someone I actually saw a future with (and believe saw one with me).
Comment: #4
Posted by: Mich
Mon Mar 1, 2010 10:37 AM
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Just because the LW came down with symptoms days after having sex with the guy does NOT mean she got it from HIM! She could have been infected for a long time and then broke out. The point IS, people don't KNOW if they have this or AIDS or a number of STD's. Always take precautions, ALWAYS! AND people are NOT diseases, they HAVE diseases. Get to really KNOW someone, before you have sex with them. THEN...if they tell you they have a problem, you can see the whole picture and decide. O yes, and there is the ever popular (?) sex without intercourse way to go. Not the "Bill Clinton, I never had sex with that woman" sex, but 'other ways', that will not open you up to STD's. Again, if you are having casual sex, ALWAYS, ALWAYS use protection. AND KNOW, that it is NOT 100% protection. Things break. Just my 2 cents.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Clare
Tue Mar 2, 2010 11:27 AM
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Re: Clare. "Protection" (condoms) doesn't protect a person from genital herpes, which is the specific STD being discussed here. You were aware of that, correct? And no, I would not date someone with herpes. It is painful and incurable and I do not trust the medications which purport to control outbreaks. You're correct about taking the time to get to know someone before sleeping with them. Here's an idea...save sex for the marriage bed where it truly belongs.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Matt
Mon Mar 8, 2010 2:27 AM
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I have been the unsuspecting recioient of the STD Herpes complex. I know you can get it from a cold sore that's broken as well as genital..or through oral sex. I am very non-permiscuous and am with one person only, when I am with that person. Then it takes me almost ayear to move onto someone else, and, even then, intamacy may not occur. I have been with someone off and on for seven years. During months or a year we were apart, I dated, but was never intamate with someone. When he came back the second time and we parted again, I was diagnosed with Herpes because I had all the symptoms. I finally got the nerve to call the ex and he said "Oh, I thought you gave them to me." If he had thought that, he would have confronted me, so, it was a scape goat. By his actions (which I thought about cetain things he said or didn't say and actions), he knew he was infected and did not tell me. So, because I got the STD, he decided to blame it on me. He was way to casual and brushed it off and changed the subject when I asked him how long he knew. These people should be on a list and reported to the health authorities.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Mimi
Sun Jul 25, 2010 6:56 PM
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I have been recently diagnosed with HSV2. However, I have never had any symptoms. My doctor says it's very possible
I got it from my my ex-husband and never knew about it. I was dating someone when I found out and we were getting a little more physically intimate and decided to get tested before proceeding. Immediately after I got my results I let him know and he promised he would never leave and would always be there for me. The next time we saw each other he wouldn't even kiss me. I tried to be understanding and give him time to digest the news, but that went on for two weeks while he was waiting for his test results. I decided it would be better just to finish it off, so I broke up with him and felt very confused, lonely and rejected. I have read happy ending stories where the person infected has found love, gotten married, had kids, etc, and in all cases the person had symptoms. i don't even have the symptoms and that makes me feel so confused, specially because I haven't found any testimony of "asymptomatic" people. I'd appreciate if someone in similar situation could educate me on this.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Carly
Mon Sep 6, 2010 8:15 AM
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I am an accidental recipient of Herpes as well. I was with my partner for a year and a half and somehow managed to avoid it for that long...even after our son was born. I am so hurt and angered that not only did he not bother to tell me about it before I got pregnant but never told me while I was pregnant or after...not until I had finally contracted it from him and I confronted him did he tell me yeah...I am pretty sure I have it but I was too embarrassed to tell you. And he has not bothered to go get checked although I did as soon as possible to make sure that was all I contracted since I do get yearly checkups anyway. We have stayed together but I still have trouble letting that go...how he had so many chances to tell me before I got this but instead allowed the risk to go on and on....now I have it and I am on the verge of wanting to leave him but am terrified that no one will ever want to date me or be with me because of him. It's not fair. I asked for protection until we were more serious and feel very betrayed. And before I was educated I thought I would never be with someone who has anything like that but now that I am on the other side...I would take each situation into consideration because, like in my case, they may have been lied to and deceived. Don't judge someone...and for those that don't have it but like to say how bad it is...you don't live with it everyday, and yes it does stink...but it is very manageable and it can be avoided...as mine was for a year and a half
Comment: #9
Posted by: Lee
Mon Feb 7, 2011 6:55 PM
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One of my best friends has genital herpes, another simplex 2 (oral, meaning she gets cold sores). Both got it from steady long-term boyfriends. #1s boyfriend knew he had it but never told her. She did not get it for a long time, year or more. Once she did get it he left town and never came back, real sweetheart there. She is open about it and has not had any one dump her because of it. She takes medication to suppress it and uses condoms during sex as well. As far as she knows she has never passed it on. She has only had 2 boyfriends or sexual partners since this happened but neither ran off when she told them. #2 got the mouth/oral herpes from her boyfriend of 4 + years when he cheated on her. He gave oral sex to a girl with genital herpes and contracted it in his mouth, and passed it onto my friend. Another sweet guy. Needless to say they broke up due to him cheating and giving her oral herpes. She does not take medication for it and gets cold sores now and then not too frequent. She does inform guys she dates and a couple have run which of course is a blow to the self-esteem for sure. She can generally tell when she has a cold sore coming on though and avoids any contact. --- I also have another friend who has oral herpes. She most likely got it from some relative as she has had cold sores since she was 12 (when I met her), some unknowing relative kissed her probably. It never affected her dating though. -- I luckily have never gotten anything, probably dumb luck though, growing up in the 80s we did not worry about such things, all of us were on the pill so why use condoms, and back then guys just wouldn't, nowadays at least soem are a bit smarter there. My husband had genital warts, he used condoms for a long time when we were first dating and then married until they were all burned off (ouch) and did not recur. I have never contracted them and it did not stop me from being with him. --I feel bad for those that get herpes and know it to be a tough road to have to live with . All you can do is take any relationship slow and be open and honest . One thing is for sure the guy/girl that stick around are definitely people of character and shows you they care and are in it for you and not just sex.
Comment: #10
Posted by: L
Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:28 AM
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Sorry got it wrong up there 1 is oral herpes, 2 is genital. Just wanted to fix that.
Comment: #11
Posted by: L
Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:33 AM
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If you're living with genital herpes, remember that you're not alone. One in five Americans has genital herpes. The key to living with it is learning how to recognize and manage your symptoms. STDRomance,com has some other important information that will help you minimize the effect genital herpes/STD has on your life, also date others same with you
Comment: #12
Posted by: herpesfinder
Tue May 3, 2011 8:36 PM
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I read all the replies and I would like to add one reply I did not read. I was given herpes simplex (cold sores on the lips) when I was born. My mom was given genital by my dad. Back when I was born it was very easy for mom to pass it to the babies. I do not have genital, but I also did NOTHING to get the virus that I will have for the rest of my life.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Sarah
Tue May 17, 2011 10:11 PM
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I have type 1 and have fought it since my teens. At some point in my 30s. I got it from a grandfather. It wasn't abuse, it was just carelessness. Some of you can imagine what a socially difficult thing it is to have severe cold sores regularly throughout your entire young adulthood. It has seriously affected my life, no matter how unserious a condition it is considered to be.
In my early 40s, a doctor who prescribed me acyclovir. I take it every day and haven't had a cold sore in a long time. If one starts forming, it doesn't last as long or can often be stopped from developing by simply taking extra tablets. I'll do anything not to have to appear in public with a big cold sore on my mouth.
As germophobic as people are getting, not that I'm complaining about having hand sanitizer at the ready at all times, but anyone with anything obvious that can be transmitted has a rough time. I took money from a checkout clerk who had a cold sore once and one appeared on me the very next day. Maybe it was a coincidence, or maybe she's the sort who licks her fingers to separate bills. Don't know, but I'm possibly even more wary of contact with someone who has a cold sore than I am of someone who has the flu. Before I had the medication, it could be 2-3 weeks before a sore would heal well enough to be covered effectively with makeup so I could go out without feeling like a pariah. No flu has ever made me feel that ugly.
I'm so glad there is something I can do about it now, and it works. By the way, I'm happily married to a man who fell in love with me even after seeing me with a cold sore.
Comment: #14
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Sat Jul 2, 2011 12:50 PM
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Re: LouisaFinnell
The "At some point in my 30s" is a sentence fragment I failed to edit before sending. I got type 1 in my teens.
Comment: #15
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Sat Jul 2, 2011 12:53 PM
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I was 19 when I contracted genital herpes from my fiancé and first intimate partner. I contracted it pretty much the very first time we had sex. I remember thinking in a way that it wouldn't matter because we would spend the rest of our lives together. The truth is that forever is a long time. We had had a happy relationship prior, but immediately after contracting it, his entire demeanor changed toward me. I was depressed and not strong enough to enforce good treatment from others. He became abusive, and very promiscuous. Finally, he left me. I would've liked to say that I didn't tolerate the abuse and that I had left him, but the truth is that I didn't, I thought I would never find anyone again because of my disease and I begged him without shame not to leave me. I did not date again until I was 21. I would go out for one dinner, and then make up some excuse about how it wouldn't work so that I wouldn't have to tell the person about what I had. I had told one of my male best friends of years the truth because we were going to start dating and had always liked each other. He immediately started dating seriously someone else. My mother found what I had because she went into my purse for car keys and saw the medicine. She told everyone that I had herpes, neighbors, work, family, friends. I made a new circle of people that I knew. The people within that circle strongly advised me not to tell anyone about what I had. That I had to think about myself, and that I deserved to date and be happy. Though it was very expensive at the time, I took Valtrex repressive medicine. I started to date someone much older than me because I couldn't stand the idea of contaminating someone with their whole life ahead of them. Condoms were difficult to use with him. When I told him what I had, he did not care. I took 500mg of Valtrex everyday at the same time, I never missed a day. We dated for over a year and a half, and I never transmitted it to him. We broke up, and now I do not take anything but Lysine for myself (Lysine is not effective is suppressing the active skin cells even in the absence of a break out, but does allow me to live my life normally when I am not sexually active). If I find someone to date again, I will pay for and take daily my repressive medicine as well as use condoms. I would never tell someone about my disease with those precautions at hand. Relationships are not forever, and there is no need for people to have material with which to constantly hurt me when they deem fit.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Ashley
Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:09 AM
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I just met a woman whom I am really attracted to and want to have a relationship with. We had intercourse with a condom three times. I also performed oral sex on her without any protection. Yesterday, she said she had something to tell me. I wasn't sure what it was so I was a little nervous about it. We spoke and she indicated that she has herpes and that she contracted it from a prior relationship in which she believes the partner knew he had it. I was floored by this information because she allowed me to perform a sexual act on her without letting me know she had a STD. This decision was inconsistent with the person whom I thought I knew. I probably would have still dated her but would have taken different precautions had she been up front about it. I think this was very selfish of her even though I believe she didn't think she could infect someone as she believes it wasn't contagious at the time. But, after doing some research, there are instances in which someone could infect another even though they may be asymptomatic. I am not sure where I am going to go at this time insofar as the relationship is concerned because I feel betrayed by her dishonesty yet at the same time I believe she was probably fearful about dating because of her health condition - so in a weird way I have sympathy and compassion for her. I think I would be able to date someone with Herpes provided the relationship were eventually headed toward a long term one; as another post stated previously, as we age, there are going to be health issues as our bodies are not designed to last forever. Marriage is a great way for two people to work together to make the best of their lives despite the problems a couple may encounter. So unless a relationship I am in is leading toward that long term commitment, then I would not date someone with Herpes (the risk of contracting the disease would outweigh the benefit of the relationship otherwise).
Comment: #17
Posted by: Ken
Wed Nov 9, 2011 10:12 AM
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I am 45..I dated a woman for 3 years, on and off...off didnt last more than 3 months..I asked her numerous times if she had anything I should know about...she always said no..I told her I didnt care what or who she did when we were apart, I wanted to know for obvious health reasons...well lo and behold, December of 2010, she called me crying one morning and told me she had genital herpes and had it for years....she only told me cause she had an outbreak...do I believe her ? that it was on old case? hell no...but it could have been...point is, if she hid it from me for 3 years, she should rot in hell...if it were a new case then good, im glad she got it...I went for testing every 30 days for 4 months, and I didnt get it. It was an expensive 4 months....people who knowingly withhold that info should be taken out in the backyard and shot...how dare they play with someones life like that.
Comment: #18
Posted by: SamTheDog
Mon Nov 28, 2011 12:14 PM
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I dated a guy for 7 months who did not tell me he had herpes. We broke up and he still did not tell me. I found out only by finding a prescription for valtrex in his name. We used condoms every single time we had sex. We never had unprotected sex although condoms are not fool proof for preventing herpes. Is there a test someone should be getting to see if they have been exposed to the herpes virus or is it inevitable that if you have the virus you will get a breakout? I have no reason to beleive I have contracted herpes sexually. I do get cold sores and have since I was a child. I was wondering if getting some sort of test would be the responsible thing to do?
Comment: #19
Posted by: Michele
Mon Jan 2, 2012 4:47 PM
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Re: Matt actually, condoms may not fully protect another from catching the virus, but it can greatly reduce the risk down to single numbers with the added use of medications that youre so against.......you should really do some more reading
Comment: #20
Posted by: marissa
Mon Feb 6, 2012 1:20 PM
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