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Wife Is Gone, but the Sadness Lingers

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Dear Cheryl,

I'm divorced. I would love to meet a man who just wants companionship, someone intellectually stimulating to talk to and to go to movies with.

I'm not looking to judge anyone, nor am I looking for Prince Charming or anyone with millions. Just someone clean, over 35, under 65, reasonably pleasant to look at, confident and happy within himself who would enjoy doing things with someone of the opposite sex.

I recently discussed this with a male friend. He said, "No man wants what you want. He wants something (meaning sex) in return."

Do men always want something in return? Can't a man just want an attractive woman's companionship? — Am I Naive or What?

Dear AINOW?

I'm confused.

It sounds like you're looking for a friend who happens to be a man. But if that's the case, why do you care if he's "reasonably pleasant" to look at? Personally, I don't care if my friends look like Shrek as long as they're loyal and fun to be with. And why the age requirement? Having friends from different generations is invigorating.

I think what you're really looking for is something more than a friendship, but less than a physical relationship. That could be tricky, but not impossible.

Your friend is wrong — there are men who aren't interested in sex. At least not with you. Don't you know any gay men who are "stimulating" talkers and enjoy movies?

And then there are straight men who don't want sex. They'd be relieved to find a woman like you.

Readers, we recently heard from Still Grieving, whose wife of 25 years died in 2004.

He never left her side while she underwent two major cancer-related surgeries in 1999.

He's still devastated because in that same year, she told him she didn't love him anymore.

"She continually let me know just how useless I had always been to her. To this day, her remark and the last five years of her life have left me in a pit from which I will never escape."

I told Still Grieving that people say and do all kinds of things they don't mean when they're ill.

"The only really important thing is that you make the most of the rest of your life. It's been six years since your wife died. You need to let the pain go. Focus on the first two decades, not the last five years."

Still Grieving is back ...

Dear Cheryl,

Please, tell me why it's a waste of time to question whether my wife was ever really in love with me. The first two decades of our marriage have become one huge question mark.

I really think I was nothing more than a paycheck and an insurance policy to her. I feel I was a good guy who was played for a fool.

By the way, we had three children. The youngest is 22 and still lives with me. She's been ill since 1988. Since then, pain is all that I've known. — Still Grieving

Dear Still Grieving,

You can never know if your wife was ever in love with you. You can believe she was, or you can believe she wasn't. It's your choice.

You have to question why you choose the answer that will contribute to your pain.

It sounds like you've been in a depression for over 20 years. A therapist can help you deal with your sadness over your daughter's health and your anger at your wife.

Good luck, and please stay in touch.

Got a problem? Send it to cheryllavin@aol.com. And check out my blog www.talesfromthefront.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

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Comments

2 Comments | Post Comment
A relative of mine always says mean and hurtful things when she's in pain, lonely or feeling denied something. Your wife could have either been that way or perhaps, as she was dying she'd realized she'd made a mistake in marrying you and decided to punish you for her mistake. Either way, you should look at it as her mistake and be grateful the for the children you now posses and that she has missed out on. You can hold onto the pain & fear and let it paralyze you, or you can move on. I recommend moving on, i know too many people who cannot. do you really want to live another 40 years like you are? tell yourself the worst if you must, and then move on.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Laurie
Sun Feb 21, 2010 4:19 PM
Still Grieving: It doesn't matter how your wife felt about you anymore. She loved you, she married you, she had children with you, and she said things she couldn't possibly have meant when she was at a very low point. Now she's gone. You did right by her when she was alive. You did it. Now you have to move on. It's your job to move on. Please see a therapist and figure it out. You don't have to figure out how your wife felt. More important now is to figure out how you can have a better life from here. You deserve to have a better life. I want that for you, and I don't even know you.
Comment: #2
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Mon Oct 10, 2011 11:05 PM
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