The Past: When to Hold on? When to Let Go? by Cheryl Lavin on Creators.com

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The Past: When to Hold on? When to Let Go?

Dear Cheryl,

I found out when I was 33 years old (13 years ago) that my dad was not my biological dad. My non-biological dad passed away in 2002, and I don't have the best relationship with my mom, so I don't know the story of what happened.

My mom will soon celebrate her 75th birthday, and she's having a huge party. My niece and I are tasked with compiling her life for a PowerPoint presentation. The big gap is her years as a grad student when she had me.

Last December, I went to Hawaii on vacation and took a side trip to visit my aunt. She gave me the name of my bio dad. I finally Googled him last Sunday. I think I've located him, and I sent him an email to get information about my mother during those years. I didn't make any reference to him being my father. I don't need a father. I had a great one.

I'm just curious. How would you proceed? — Bio Daughter

Dear Bio Daughter,

There are two issues here. The first is the party. I don't think you should include any information in the presentation that you get from your father. It could only make your mother upset and nervous. She's been keeping him a secret for 46 years — let it stay that way. I don't think a gap of a few years in a 75-year life will be that noticeable.

The second issue is you. You don't need a father, but at some point you might want to make contact with him and his family. It's not a betrayal of the man who raised you and the man you loved.

It just seems like a very natural thing to want to know about your biological parent.

Good luck, and stay in touch!

Dear Cheryl,

Here's some background: I was with my wife for 30 years, from 1974 to 2004, when she died. We were married for 25 of those years. In 1999, she had two major cancer-related surgeries. During that time, I never left her side. I gave her my heart and soul.

In 1999, two months before our 20th anniversary, she told me that she didn't love me. She never said that she wasn't in love with me anymore, so I assume she never was in love with me. For the next five years, until her death, she continually let me know just how useless I had always been to her.

To this day, her remark and the last five years of her life have left me in a pit from which I will never escape. — Still Grieving

Dear Still Grieving,

When people are ill, they say and do all kinds of things they don't necessarily mean. Sometimes they're angry and they need to lash out. The ones closest to them are the ones who bear the brunt. Sometimes medication changes their personality. During the last five years of her life, your wife was probably incapable of loving anyone.

The only really important thing is that you make the most of the rest of your life. Dwelling on whether your wife was ever in love with you is a waste of time.

It's been six years since she died. You need to let the pain go. Focus on the first 25 years, not the last five.

Got a problem? Send it to cheryllavin@aol.com. And check out my blog www.talesfromthefront.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

Comments

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To Bio Daughter: It seems you have a lot of issues about the powerpoint presentation. You say you are "tasked" with it, rather than that you chose it. Feeling the say you do, you probably aren't the right person for that job. Why don't you just say you don't feel up to it and ask if there is some other way you can participate. You could suggest going "low tech" and do a collage of old photos or something.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Madelyn
Fri Feb 5, 2010 9:58 AM

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Bio Daughter: Your biological father chose to stay out of your life. All he did was donate sperm. He is nothing to you. Don't force yourself on him. He may also have been hiding a secret from his family for a long time and you have no right to bring them grief. Madelyn was right, you're displaying issues and your Mother's party is not the correct forum for vengeance. Yes, curiousity is natural. But a biological connection does not give you rights.

Comment: #2
Posted by: julia
Fri Feb 5, 2010 2:52 PM

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@Madelyn - I have no issues about the PowerPoint presentation. I was tasked. My mother does not ask, she gives you an order and demands. Warm & fuzzy PowerPoints are not my specialty. I use PP for business all the time. It's the lack of photos from the grad school days (which happens to correspond to the time period of my birth) which is the missing part of the presentation. There just won't be any photos of that time period. A shame actually, because many women did not get Ph.D.'s in the 60's and it would have been nice to showcase that. You also do not understand my mother. One simply does not say, "I don't feel up to it." That is just not acceptable in her eyes and isn't a viable option. We'll get it done and it will be a wonderful tribute as I have great friends who are willing and able to assist me.

@Julia - Actually I talked to the bio-sperm-donor. I got the impression that he did not know my Mom got pregnant by him. He wants to talk to my Mom and it's really their business, not mine. I think I am entitled to know half of my DNA especially for medical reasons. DNA tests are simple nowadays. I have no intention of bringing on grief or force myself on him. Quite frankly, he looks at me as the daughter of his grad school friend. Only he and my Mom know the extent of their relationship, something I am not privy to or really care about. Like I said, I don't need a father. I had a wonderful loving father and don't need bio-sperm-donor to fill that role. With respect to the fact that my biological connection does not give me rights, I don't know what rights you're referring. Right to an inheritance? Well yes, actually if he is the biological father, one can make claim to an estate. Right to back child support? Again, a case can be made. However, I'm 46 years old and have done quite well for myself. I don't need this man for money and I'm not a gold digger. What's the big secret? That he had sex before marriage and fathered a child? I guess that was rather scandalous in the 1960's but it's now 2010. Times change and so do people's attitudes. I have no plans of turning my mother's party into a revenge vendetta event. Not only is that cruel, what would it accomplish? I don't roll that way. The fact that you would bring that up speaks more of your mindset, not mine.

I think the shock would be to his wife and grown children. This all happened prior to his marriage so I'm sure the topic was never discussed. Like I said, I don't think he knew of my existence. However, he was a grown man when he slept with my mother so he obviously knew that a pregnancy could happen. I really doubt he has talked this over with his wife and grown children.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Isabelle
Fri Feb 12, 2010 4:07 PM

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Tales From the Front by Cheryl Lavin

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The Past: When to Hold on? When to Let Go?

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