Tales From the Front by Cheryl Lavin

Today's mailbag brings letters about everything from friends with benefits to Internet weirdoes to booty calls ...

Drew: I was monogamous in a 17-and-a-half year marriage, including years when my wife was too ill from cancer to have much sex or any at all. At this point in my life, I'm looking for a friend with benefits. Commitment entails many things besides sexual fidelity, and many of us either aren't made for it (me) or have had enough of it for life (me, also). People like me have a right to love and affection, and if we're adults and upfront, what business is it of anybody else?

Gretchen: It took a professional photograph, a headshot that my fiance insisted we take as soon as we became engaged, to show me how ill-suited we were. I was struck by the difference in the size of our heads. Mine was bigger than his! He looked so puny next to me.

That really clinched the strong feeling that we didn't belong together. I married him anyway and divorced him seven years later. He was a Little Napoleon with a little head who swaggered even when he was sitting down.

Caroline: I was abused as a child, and I've had plenty of therapy. It's helped, but I still struggle with bad dreams of being attracted to guys who are no good for me and occasionally that my decades-dead father is alive.

My therapist told me (and my husband) that girls who have had their sexual awakening imposed on them by a man they should have been able to trust (in my case, my alcoholic father) often go on to have stupid and unrewarding relationships, blame themselves when things don't work out and are clueless about why they make their pitiful choices.

I was "all of the above."

Dale: Men won't tell women how much they disdain "booty call" girls, but they say plenty to each other, and they don't under any circumstances want one as a girlfriend and especially not as a wife.

Maddie: My sister, who shall remain nameless, answered a personal ad for someone who turned out to want a "nurse" who would hold him like a baby while he wore diapers and sucked on a bottle as his "assistant" watched! Another man was looking to meet a woman who had no living ex-husbands. I cannot make this stuff up!

Let me add that my sister was once wife number six to a guy who went on to wife number seven before he was 52. He was my sister's third ex-husband. And she still believes that "true love" will make her happy.

I've tried to convince her that when she's happy, she'll find true love, but what do I know?

Beryl: Here's my personal criteria for determining verbal abuse. First of all, verbal abuse doesn't have to be loud to be abusive. Second, if you don't feel abused, it may not be abuse. Beyond that, I'd consider the content (are there threats or name-calling?), the tone of voice (is it a condescending tone or a deep growl?); my own gut (knot in my stomach); honesty and fairness (is the other person telling the truth?); intent (is it malicious?); and other accompanying behaviors (physical movement) or factors leading up to the situation.

What effect did the holidays have on your relationship? Send your tale, along with your questions and problems to cheryllavin@aol.com. You can visit her blog at www.talesfromthefront.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

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