Tales From the Front by Cheryl Lavin

We continue to explore the concept of settling. What is it? When is it time to do it? Ever? Never? How does it turn out?

Dave says, "Sign me up as someone who thought they were settling when they settled down."

When he and Ben first got together 14 years ago, they were both ready to settle down. Their timing was great. The problem was, neither one was really crazy about the other.

"We didn't have the same interests, same sense of humor or similar goals. And, quite frankly, the sex was lousy!"

Still, they got together and stayed together. "I can't say for certain why," says Dave. "I believe his very large and very supportive family had a lot to do with it. I knew that whenever we'd hit a rough patch, either his dad or mom or some aunt would get on him to work it out."

Before Ben, Dave had always dated "gorgeous guys, guys who focused on their careers, guys like me who were ambitious." Ben? Not so much.

"To be honest, Ben is none of those things. But what I discovered over time — and I think it takes time to find these things out — is that Ben is truly the kindest and most decent person I've ever known.

"I love him more each day and each year we're together. After 14 years of growing together, our visions have converged. We laugh at more of the same things. His tastes and my tastes are more similar than when we started, and our goals are more the same.

"Two people could not have been more different at first. Now, people often tell us they hope to have a relationship like ours some day. I settled, and I'm so grateful I did.

"I knew you'd ask, so I'll just tell you — the sex still sucks, but hey, you can't have everything!

Dear Readers,

We recently heard from I Don't Think I'm Ready to Settle.

She's 38 and single, and her mother says she should just get married already. She can always get divorced if it doesn't work out.

She said that a woman her age is considered damaged goods if she's never been married, and she'd have an easier time getting a husband as a divorcee than as an "old maid."

I told IDTIRTS that her mother was wrong. "This is 2009, not 1909."

I also said we need to define the word settling. "If you marry a man you respect, whose lifestyle is compatible, with whom you enjoy having sex, share interests and values, and have common goals, is that settling just because your toes don't curl when he kisses you? That's not settling, it's being realistic."

Joe: Your advice misses the real issue: Why does a 38-year-old woman allow her mother's approval to have this much influence over her life? She's picked up some of her mother's attitude when she talks about "getting" a husband (like he's a new pair of shoes) and being "alone" just because she's not married.

IDTIRTS needs to orient her life toward those good things she has or can have, like friends, career, charity work, sports, travel, art, etc. Then she can tell her mother to butt out, she's happy with her life, and if marriage happens, it happens.

She needs to make a happy, independent life for herself, and dang if being a happy, self-assured, independent woman doesn't end up leading to marriage.

Did you settle? How did it work out? Send your tale, along with your relationship questions and problems to cheryllavin@aol.com.

To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

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