If you've been reading the column lately (and if you haven't, you better have a darn good excuse), you might think that every husband in America has been doing without. I've been getting letters from men who say their wives refuse to have sex. These guys say they've sat out the eight years of the Bush administration and things haven't gotten better under a Democratic president.
Today, we hear from Chrissy who says she can't get her boyfriend to pull the trigger . . .
Chrissy and Christopher met at work. They're both called "Chris," and there were several mix-ups where office mail and memos went to the wrong one. It was inevitable that they would get to know each other, first as colleagues then as friends.
It was as friends that Chris confided to Chrissy that he was a virgin. He was in his mid-30s, so he wasn't up for a starring role in the "40-Year-Old Virgin" yet, but it was pretty unusual to Chrissy. She'd lost her virginity her senior year of high school along with most of their friends.
To them, virginity was something to get past so they could get on with the real stuff of life. They weren't saving it. They were giving it away.
Chris saw virginity as something very different. To him, it was sacred. It was something to be saved so it could be shared with one special person at the perfect time, in the perfect place. As friends, Chrissy and Chris discussed this often.
"I didn't think he was right and I was wrong or I was right and he was wrong," says Chrissy.
I just saw us as two people with very different views.
And that was fine until Chrissy and Chris became romantic partners. Chrissy was Chris's first real girlfriend. They dated and there was some hugging and kissing, but no sex. And then they decided to move in together.
"I just assumed that I was the special person that Chris was saving his virginity for and that our very own apartment was the perfect place and the sooner the better was the perfect time."
It hasn't worked out that way. It's three months later and Chrissy and Chris are still living together, but only because she hasn't found an apartment yet. "We barely kiss or hug and even hold hands.
"After a month, I told him either we have a physical relationship — including sex — or I would move out. We made an actual date! I bought a beautiful nightgown, a good bottle of wine, candles. I put on music. He said he had a stomachache. It was nerves.
"We made another date. This time, I was much more casual. We were sitting on the couch watching TV, and I started stroking his arm and then his neck and back and shoulders. He was so tense I actually felt sorry for him. After a few minutes, I said to him, 'This isn't going to work, is it?' He said, 'No.'
"I now believe 'saving it for the right person' was just a handy excuse. He has deep-seated emotional problems that make him afraid of a physical relationship. He seems content to live like that. I'm not. And if he's not content, it's his problem, no longer mine."
Ladies, are you the one whose asking for sex? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
|
 |
Comments
|
7 Comments | Post Comment
|
|
I have dated a few virgins in my time, but I'm not sure if I will again. It seems that for guys especially, if they make it past their early 20s without "doing the deed," either they're quite religious (so sue me, not what I'm looking for), or there are deeper issues at work. If it wasn't by choice, the guy might freak out when the moment finally comes, and "deflate" (one guy I briefly dated had this happen every time we tried- after awhile he stopped approaching me altogether). Performance anxiety becomes a real problem when sex becomes this HUGE thing that HAS to happen and he's NOT NORMAL if he can't do it.
That said, I knew one guy in his late 30s who, from the sounds of things, had barely even kissed a girl. He was definitely an eccentric character, and things he said at times suggested a really rough childhood. As an adult he had become deeply religious. I knew him when I worked abroad, and he was involved with, then engaged to, a Japanese woman. When she flew in to see him, he had her stay with people from his church, and in a different conversation, it came up that he never "french kissed" before. All this to say that he married his lady friend and now has a child, so evidently was able to get the job done after the wedding!
Comment: #1
Posted by: Jers
Sun Jan 8, 2012 8:19 AM
|
|
|
|
Susan, I seen/read a previous column that appeared "Longtime Longing" from Oct 2008 that I had made a comment on. The column was about an attractive, graduate-level educated, humorous...woman that could not find a decent nice man. She had tried everything form cooking classes to church (sounded like me) with no luck. She didn't want to be told to stop looking for she had stopped-started-shut the door-opened up-given up-tried again for the past 8 years. She said almost everything she tries it feels worse then being alone because it is such a hudge disappointment. She said "I'm tired of being alone." Susan you told her to travel the road less traveled-the journey within, to get more involved in the things she liked to do and in doing that will fill her up with enthusiasm and see the world in a totally new way. Susan, the thing is even in doing that-for me-no one showed up-so where are they? Then I was told at least I had fun, BUT wouldn't it have been more fun with someone? Others get to do it with someone. I don't know what the answer is or was something done wrong or not done right-I only know it is not right or fair. I have found in life you always get what you want when you don't want it anymore. Anyway it has played pretty hard on me seeing/realizing 3 years have past since that column with no change except maybe heading down the road of bitterness. Therefore I'm going to stop this and want to thank those that gave insight and to those that criticized/demeanored me. Cya Jack Olds/j
Comment: #2
Posted by: J
Sun Jan 8, 2012 8:31 AM
|
|
|
|
J, I really, really hope you find a good therapist who can help you work some of this out.
There are some things it's not too tough to figure out on your own, with the help of maybe some internet commenters and a good self-help book, and I hope some of the comments over the years here have helped you.
There are other things that are so embedded in us that we don't realize how much they affect the way we look at the world, or that other people don't see it the same way. A counselor can help you break away from those old thought patterns that are serving only to make you so unhappy, if you're willing to acknowledge that some of the problem lies within and spend time working to change it.
Best wishes.
Comment: #3
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun Jan 8, 2012 4:33 PM
|
|
|
|
J, I don't mean to insult you, but considering how many men out there are looking, I have to wonder if you might need some kind of makeover. Are you really not meeting any men who act interested, or is it just that you find some reason to reject all the men who are? If the former is true, get onto the scale and look into the mirror. If you're 15 - 20 lbs or so overweight, you probably need to get into shape. If not, you probably need a new wardrobe, hairstyle, etc. Do you have a girlfriend you can ask for advice?
Comment: #4
Posted by: Madelyn
Mon Jan 9, 2012 8:25 AM
|
|
|
|
@J -- just want to note that you keep talking about "Susan." I am assuming your message was intended for Susan Deitz, who writes Single File. Not sure if your message was wrongly posted here by Creators or just what happened, but I thought I'd mention that 1) this isn't Susan's column and 2) if you want to get a message to Susan, you need to write to her, not the BTL.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:00 PM
|
|
|
|
@Chrissy (the LW) -- I seriously doubt that his "saving it for someone special" was just a "handy excuse" for not having sex with you. I'm betting he really was saving it for someone special, but as the years passed, "saving it" has turned it into an even bigger deal than he ever imagined and has given him a whole bunch of performance anxiety that has nothing to do with you. Then, you gave him your ultimatum, which only served to put even MORE pressure on him, adding to the already-existing performance anxiety. I can't help thinking, "duh, what did you expect would happen?" Did it ever occur to you to just sit down with him and say, "I want to be that special person you were waiting for, and I don't want to put any unwanted pressure on you -- what can I/we do to move forward?" Instead, you gave him an ultimatum, tried to force the situation and now believe he has deep-seated emotional problems (which, of course, is certainly a possibility), and have given up on him while you search for an apartment so you can move out.
If you actually did try to talk this out, offered sympathy for his anxiety and gave him some space to try to work it out, then I apologize. But if not, all I can say is, perhaps you simply were not the special person he was waiting for.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:10 PM
|
|
|
|
In waiting for that someone special, it's also possible that no one ever measures up for Chris, adding to the other list of probable issues that are going on.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Laurie
Fri Jan 13, 2012 12:44 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
