Tales From the Front by Cheryl Lavin

I'm getting beaten up by women who strongly disagree with my advice to Torn. She's the woman, married for seven years, who has a 2-year-old, another on the way and a verbally abusive husband.

He'd been controlling his abuse until he was fired and the family had to move. He still controls his abuse during the week, but he rages on the weekend.

Torn doesn't want to divorce her husband at the present time for many reasons. So what can she do?

I suggested that every Friday night, she and her husband make a plan for the weekend with family time, couple time and alone time.

"Then make a list of triggers that set him off and ways for you to avoid them and ways for him to deal with them. There are behavior modifications tricks — some as simple as wearing a rubber band and snapping it when he's upset — that help."

I compared helping him avoid getting angry to helping his with his diet, by not buying Twinkies, if he had a weight problem.

Here's what you had to say ...

Ally: I was married to a raging husband. I also had a 2-year-old and was pregnant. The raging escalated into physical abuse during the pregnancy. Abuse often escalates while a woman is pregnant! This is a very well known fact.

Torn should have been given information regarding this and advice regarding her safety. Your advice upset and concerned me.

Claire: I'm very concerned about the advice you gave Torn. I was a victim of emotional abuse that escalated when my ex-husband was under stress, especially after our baby was born. He left when our baby was a year old. I felt that his departure was a gift from God.

My son is now grown, well-adjusted and complimented for his maturity.

If his father and I had stayed together, I don't think that would be the case.

How are Torn's husband's rages affecting the 2-year-old? How will they affect the baby? How are they affecting Torn? (Especially after your advice that she should find ways not to trigger his rage! That feeds into the story the typical abuser gives the abused one — that the abuse is the victim's fault.)

Torn said her husband becomes verbally abusive under stress. News flash — stress is part of life! I strongly concur with Kelly, a counselor who specializes in domestic violence, that Torn should contact a domestic violence agency.

I feel for her — I've been there. I feel for her kids, who may grow up thinking abuse is OK.

Mariah: Your comments about the abusive husband are ridiculous. Your Twinkie analogy is really, really bad, as well. If her husband eats Twinkies when he's struggling with weight, it directly affects him, not her. And my God, Twinkies and emotional abuse aren't on the same level!

You must have been abused yourself to make the suggestion that the wife come up with a list of triggers and then avoid them.

(I'm not, and I wasn't.)

Of course, a wife should not be an instigator, but that is not what is going on here. Kelly, the licensed clinical professional counselor, should pen your column. She had it right: The rage is his responsibility not hers.

I suggest that you apologize to your readers to restore your credibility. Everyone I know thought your response was that of a "crazy woman."

What part have the holidays — Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year's — played in your relationships? Send your tale, along with your questions and problems to cheryllavin@aol.com. You can visit her blog at www.talesfromthefront.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

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