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Unconditional Love
It's that Mother's Day-Father's Day time of the year, so today we salute one of each who got it right.
PAM: We struggled with infertility. I was afraid to adopt because I was afraid the biological parent would take the baby away. There was a big …Read more.
Did You Hear the One About How to Get a Fat Woman Into an Elevator?
Grease her hips and throw in a Twinkie.
Fat women are about the last group that it's OK to make fun of.
As in: Q: What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common?
A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.
I searched the Internet to …Read more.
Big Can Be Beautiful
Last week we heard from Roberta. She's been fat all her life. At her heaviest, she was clinically obese at 465 pounds. Through a gastric bypass, she got down to 180 pounds. She's now about 250.
But no matter her weight, Roberta always had plenty of …Read more.
He Dreamt of Jeannie, but Jeannie Didn't Dream of Him
We recently met TIME TRAVELER, 19, who says he dreamt of a woman that he believes he's known in previous lives. He met someone who looked exactly like the woman in his dream, and didn't know what to do.
MARTY: TIME TRAVELER sounds a lot like me at …Read more.
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I'm Fat, but You're Ugly and I Can Diet
Fat is a four-letter word.
People who wouldn't dream of making fun of a homosexual, who would die before pointing out a person with a disability, people who consider themselves post-racist, tolerant, all-embracing, evolved and benevolent somehow have no trouble sniggering at a fat person. Especially a fat woman.
Fat, to some, isn't about weight; it's about character. To them, if you're fat, you have none. If you're fat, you're also sloppy, lazy, smelly, sweaty and lack will-power. You take up too much room on airplanes and in elevators, and it's impossible to get around you on escalators.
People wouldn't tell a bald man that he's bald. No one would dare tell a parent that his child is ugly. We don't point out to our friends or neighbors or colleagues that their teeth are yellow. But a viewer in Wisconsin found it necessary to email a TV anchor to tell her that she was fat. Like she didn't know.
Readers have told me that if a woman puts anything more than "svelte," "toned" or "petite" on her dating profile, she won't get very many responses. If she describes herself as "pleasingly plump," "Rubenesque," "full-figured," or — God forbid — "plus-sized," she can forget getting any responses at all.
Which brings us to Roberta. She's been heavy all her life. At her fattest, she weighed 465 pounds, which, clinically speaking, is morbidly obese. Through gastric bypass, she got down to 180 pounds. She's gained some of that weight back and is now about 250.
But no matter what her weight, Roberta never lacked male companionship. "I've dated quite a bit," she says. She had one live-in boyfriend for eight years, several other long-term relationships, and she has been married since 2005.
Her secret?
She knows where her bigness isn't considered a crime against humanity, but something to be admired, desired and coveted.
"What most people don't know is that there's a whole subculture out there for big people."
Before the Internet was popular, Roberta met several men through newspaper ads specifically for the round and proud. After Internet dating took off, she signed up at sites specifically for large people. She met more men through them. There were also dances marketed to the overweight among us.
"The dances were held at a hotel. They were all fine and fun. But like anything, you have to watch out for yourself. This is where common sense comes in. You can't be so desperate that you'll take anything!
"Twice a year they'd have bashes, which were more like mini-conventions for big people. I would say 65 to 75 percent of people were there to hook up.
"If that's all you're looking for, have at it! But I wanted more. I wasn't interested in the guy who wanted a 'meaningful' one-night relationship while still married to his wife."
At her fattest, Roberta had a T-shirt that said, "I'm Fat But You're Ugly And I Can Diet."
"I still have it," says Roberta, "even though it's too big."
How do you feel about weight and fat people? Send your thoughts, along with your questions, problems and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. And check out my new website askcheryl.net.
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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I believe the correct expression is "You can't lose ugly."
Comment: #1
Posted by: Kitty O'Shea
Sun May 5, 2013 5:29 AM
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Funny, I'm heavy and I never had trouble finding dates through regular dating sites, even though I was honest and posted a realistic photo. I have larger friends whove been very successful romantically as well. There may be a "sub-culture" of chubby chasers as described by Roberta, but I think the best-kept secret is that some men just like larger women and others simply don't care and like women of all shapes and sizes. Personality counts for more when looking for a serious relationship. I've been with a wonderful man for three years and he's in the latter group. He lives me for me. Confidence, good grooming and a warm smile go a long way to making anyone attractive.
I don't know if we Canadians up here are just nicer or less judgmental, but I can honestly say I've never experienced the attitudes or snide comments about the overweight described in this and other advice columns. But I think if I ever did, my reply would be "I could lose weight, but you'll never gain IQ points." :)))
Comment: #2
Posted by: WinehouseFan
Sun May 5, 2013 6:00 AM
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I'm not in the 200 club, but I am heavier than I should be (currently trying to diet, not much progress yet- my body is a stubborn one, and the diet I'm trying is very different and difficult, so I've fallen off the wagon a few times). I also have dental problems I can't begin to afford to fix- even here in Canada. I wouldn't say I've had scores or men beating down my door, but I've always found people to date.
I found what helped me immensely was letting go of the "we're all beautiful" crap and just accepting that I ain't a looker. My current bf still assures me that he finds me beautiful, which is awesome. But I finally just figured I was ugly and got on with things. I try to dress well, wear jewelry, etc. Women are so afraid of being ugly, because we're basically lead to believe that no one will ever love us if we aren't thin or beautiful. And some men's behaviour can reinforce that. But when I stopped being afraid of being ugly, when I just accepted that I wasn't a beautiful woman, and realized that people loved me and I lived a full life anyway, I became far happier.
Oh, and most important, and took me way too long to learn: Wear clothes that FIT! So often I tried to cram myself into ill-fitting clothes due to denial, item was on sale, etc. I cringe at some pictures of me not because of my size, but I looked plain awful in what I was wearing.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jers
Sun May 5, 2013 6:58 AM
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I'm not in the 200 club, but I am heavier than I should be (currently trying to diet, not much progress yet- my body is a stubborn one, and the diet I'm trying is very different and difficult, so I've fallen off the wagon a few times). I also have dental problems I can't begin to afford to fix- even here in Canada. I wouldn't say I've had scores or men beating down my door, but I've always found people to date.
I found what helped me immensely was letting go of the "we're all beautiful" crap and just accepting that I ain't a looker. My current bf still assures me that he finds me beautiful, which is awesome. But I finally just figured I was ugly and got on with things. I try to dress well, wear jewelry, etc. Women are so afraid of being ugly, because we're basically lead to believe that no one will ever love us if we aren't thin or beautiful. And some men's behaviour can reinforce that. But when I stopped being afraid of being ugly, when I just accepted that I wasn't a beautiful woman, and realized that people loved me and I lived a full life anyway, I became far happier.
Oh, and most important, and took me way too long to learn: Wear clothes that FIT! So often I tried to cram myself into ill-fitting clothes due to denial, item was on sale, etc. I cringe at some pictures of me not because of my size, but I looked plain awful in what I was wearing.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Jers
Sun May 5, 2013 6:59 AM
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Gah, double post- my apologies!
Comment: #5
Posted by: Jers
Sun May 5, 2013 7:00 AM
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Jers, I say Kudos to you! However, you seem to see a beautiful/ugly split. Of course I can't see you, but I'm sure that if I could, I would think you were attractive. You dress well, etc. We don't all have perfectly symmetrical features, but I sincerely believe every woman can become attractive if she tries. I'm glad you have a bf who tells you you are beautiful. We all need that kind of reassurance.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Madelyn
Mon May 6, 2013 9:46 AM
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I'm on my soapbox here: While you're teaching your children to be kind, and take turns, etc. please also teach that people come in all shapes and sizes and looks, and that makes life grand!
Comment: #7
Posted by: Claude
Mon May 6, 2013 2:18 PM
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There's a 200 club?
Obesity is the best sign of all that something is terribly wrong. You're eating all the wrong food and too much of it, while still not getting the nutrition your body needs. It starts when you think driving through McDonald's is the same as having a meal. It's fat, sugar, salt, sawdust, mystery "meat" and all kinds of chemicals designed to appeal as addictively as possible to the taste buds while providing the cheapest possible ingredients. And it's not really better if you pick up a Swanson's lasagna in the freezer section and stick it in the oven.
People come in all shapes and sizes, yes. But if you are 200 pounds and not six feet tall, then you are not feeding yourself well. When it comes to food, you're doing it wrong. The good news is that you can wise up, but finding someone you think is more unfortunate than you (poor ugly person) to taunt is not the answer.
Comment: #8
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Tue May 7, 2013 2:20 PM
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Louisa, I created an account just so I could refute your post. You assume that anyone who carries extra fat on their body is eating the wrong things. You might be right that some heavy people eat junk food and believe the McDonald's drive through is a good place to get a meal, but there are plenty of thin people who eat very poorly and there are heavy people, like me, who eat whole foods, 6-10 servings of fruits and veggies a day, high quality protein, healthy fats, no soda, very few desserts or starches, and still retain fat. Oh, and I exercise 60-90 minutes a day. And, my resting heart rate is under 60.
Your attitude that fat people are fat only because they don't know better than to eat at McDonald's is less openly hostile, but still as patronizing as the attitudes of people who assume that fat=lazy or fat=sloppy. Sometimes fat is just fat.
Apologies if this is a duplicate post - I kept getting an 'incorrect captcha' error.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Jenniferal
Tue May 7, 2013 9:26 PM
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Re: Jenniferal
You misunderstand me, Jenniferal. I have nothing to say about mere "extra fat." I was speaking only of obesity that is not explained by medical misfortune. I believe that heavily processed food and fast food is crap and that people are misled into an attachment to it that leads to horrible outcomes. And more often than not, an excellent sign that this has happened to someone is obesity. It's especially tragic when it happens to children.
But if you are moved to comment and speak for the large person who does her best to be healthy and is healthy, then well done for you.
Comment: #10
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Wed May 8, 2013 6:52 PM
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Speaking for the "medically misfortunate" (GOOD ONE, LouisaFinnell!) I ballooned up to twice my former size after a horrific accident, multiple reconstructive surgeries, and two full years of intensive physical rehab four days/week. I've been in constant pain for the past 13 years. I was formerly extremely fit and athletic; until last month I couldn't even walk around the block without collapsing in exhausted tears. ANYTHING I ate just turned into more pounds, even when I followed the usual "healthy eating regime" axed down to 600-800 calories/day!
The two things which saved me:
1) I "discovered" the Atkins diet. Without ANY alteration to my physical activity, I dropped 125 lbs in just over a year and had "only" 50 lbs more to lose before being back to my healthy normal size. But then I just STUCK. I could not possibly BE any more stickler-for-detail on Atkins than I already was -- I never did then and still only rarely now HAVE exceeded the 20g carbs/day of the draconian Induction Phase -- and increasing physical activity remained out of the question. And in that "stuck" state I languished for half a dozen more years.
2) Finally -- FINALLY! -- I was assigned a new Primary Care Physician at the Navy hospital where I currently get treated. It took her less than 30 minutes to definitively diagnose me with fibromyalgia and the bare beginnings of a thyroid imbalance. She prescribed megadoses of Vitamin D, a very mild thyroid adjuster, tricyclic antidepressants (which in some patients are extremely effective for neuropathic pain), and -- wait for it acupuncture. You'd better believe I was skeptical as all git-out about that last one, lol! But boy was I wrong.
This new treatment regimen has been in place for only 6 weeks and already I feel like a whole new woman. My pain is now manageable. I walk my dog twice a day for 30 minutes(!), and I can sleep for more than 3 hours at a stretch(!), neither of which were remotely possible for the past 13 years. And glory hallelujah, that number on the scale is steadily dropping again :) :) :)
The moral of this story is: Don't be too quick to judge the next fatso you see. YES, most obese people are lazy, uneducated, greedy, or some combination thereof...BUT THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS. For all you know, that man or woman you're wrinkling your oh-so-slim nose at may hate the way they look just as much as you hate the way they look, may be trying everything they can think of both medically and non-medically to take that weight off, and in that process may be also hating THEMSELVES that whatever they're doing just isn't working because they themselves are somehow Unworthy. I know I hated myself for 13 years...and all it took to Get It Right was ONE M.D. who cared enough to actually diagnose the real problems instead of just shaming me.
Seriously. Think about it.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Spikeygrrl
Sun May 12, 2013 3:26 AM
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