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How a Pretty Good Marriage Turned into a Nightmare
Samantha and Harlan married in 1983 when they were both 22. The first few years were "pretty good." They had lucrative careers and a healthy baby. Then, in 1988, she got pregnant again, and things began to change.
"Harlan became more demanding. He said I should always put him first, his family second and the children third or fourth. When he decided to go back to college, he said I should emotionally support him by literally sitting there and watching him study. If I chose to watch television, he would go on a screaming rant. If he said the sky was green and my father said the sky was blue and I agreed with my father, he would go into a horrible rage."
Harlan's rages became physical. "Once he was mad at me and punched me in the arm so hard I couldn't move it. If he was doing something stupid — such as playing a dumb submarine computer game at 3 a.m., in our bedroom, with the sound way up — and I asked him not to do it, he would get really close to my face and say, 'Don't tell me what to do.'"
When he found out about a letter Samantha had written to an old boyfriend ("I got carried away"), he threw her against the wall and threw a stapler at her.
"It missed my head and put a huge hole in the wall."
He would hit their daughters with a belt. "He never spent any time with them and when he did, he would scream at them. They were just babies."
Harlan's attitude and mood weren't anymore in control at work than at home. "He was always quitting, getting fired or laid off due to his insubordination. He would have a fight with one of his many bosses and then say he was going to 'show him' by quitting! He would be out of work for months. I never had the courage to say, 'You need to stay where you are and not quit your job.' He went from making $45,000 a year in 1987 to $5.25 an hour in 1994 as a janitor in our church."
Once Harlan was fired because of sexual harassment. A co-worker accused him of stopping by her desk and massaging her neck and back. He wouldn't stop when she told him to. He would talk to her about his sex life, and he gave her an x-rated video saying it would spice up her marriage. None of this, he told Samantha, equaled sexual harassment.
Eventually, Samantha and Harlan lost their home in a foreclosure and had to file for bankruptcy.
During all this time, Samantha says she never confided in anyone. "I thought it was me who was messing up in the marriage. He would tell me I was a worthless person, a terrible mother and a horrible wife, and I believed him. I honestly thought that there was something very wrong with me. I was under constant stress, always walking on egg shells around him, making sure that I wasn't screwing things up."
Next, Samantha finally gets the courage to leave . . .
What was the straw that broke the camel's back of your relationship? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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16 Comments | Post Comment
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This marriage really does sound horrible, and I hope she got herself and her kids to shelter.
One detail really bothers me, though: this physical and sexual abuser actually found employment in a church, of all places! Didn't anyone check out his background? He would have unlimited access to washrooms when children were in there!
I may be ranting, but the church should hire a regular janitor and pay him/her a fair wage. I'm sure they thought they were getting a "steal to hire somebody for $5.25 an hour, when the going wage for those services at that time was twice as much. The church would have complete liability for any crimes he committed in there, and as a janitor he could come in and out at any time. It's time for churches to wake up! Also, it seems that the minister and the rest of the church crowd must have had complete blinders on when it came to this family. Maybe she didn't actively tell them, but why didn't they ask? It must have been obvious that this family was deeply troubled. It's time for the church to stop hiding their heads in the sand. That's my Christmas message to the church today, and I hope they see it.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Samantha
Fri Dec 9, 2011 7:49 AM
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Samantha, you ARE ranting, and what's worse, judging a church harshly on very flimsy evidence.
"Why didn't they ask?" Well, how do you know they did not? And are you aware that most domestic abuse victims will go to extraordinary lengths to keep their secret, because they don't want to set off their abuser? Her minister could have asked her directly, "What's wrong?" or "Is Harlan BEATING you and your daughters?" and she most assuredly would LIE to them rather than risk word getting back to Harlan that she'd snitched!
Are you suggesting the church should have somehow been psychic, to know that "troubled" meant "abuse"?
There is NO evidence in the public record that this man is an abuser, I'm sorry to say. His children were beaten with a belt, and his wife was in the hospital -- but unless she filed a complaint about him, or a teacher or doctor filed one about his abuse of the kids, the government has nothing implicating him in those injuries.
He does not qualify as a sexual abuser. He was fired for inappropriate behavior toward an ADULT co-worker, and that most likely never leaked out beyond the company because most employers are well aware that giving anything beyond confirmation that someone was employed there during the time frame specified opens the company to possible lawsuit.
Minimum wage may have BEEN the going rate for that position at the church in 1994 -- particularly if the church is small and cash-strapped, as is often the case. The church most likely saw this as helping a member of the congregation feed his young family.
Finally, you're looking backward nearly 20 years with today's lenses applied. I did Sunday school work in our large, suburban, mainline Protestant church starting circa 1996. It wasn't until after 2000 that we were subjected to background checks or half-doors were put into all classrooms to ensure no closed doors, as a means of protecting the kids. Those measures came not because we'd had incidents of abuse, but because all churches were being advised to take such measures to help demonstrate a commitment to prevent abuse (and not so incidentally, potential lawsuits).
As I see it, this church you have vilified was no more "hiding their heads in the sand" than YOU are, for not recognizing the abuse victims you have dealt with unknowingly over the years.
Comment: #2
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Dec 9, 2011 8:29 AM
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Hedgehog, I stand by everything I said. If the church was not part of the solution, which I strongly doubt, then it was part of the problem. And by the way, I owned a business for many years and put posters with info for our local domestic violence shelters inside the doors of the toilet stalls in the women's washrooms. I never heard of a church that did that, or took any kind of pro-active stance against domestic violence at all. I've heard many sermons on "Don't smoke or get drunk," which are good as far as they go, but I've never heard a sermon on, "Don't beat your wife or children." Has anybody ever heard a sermon like that?
Also, I know the going wage in 1994 for janitorial work was over $10 an hour, because I employed professional cleaning staff in my business.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Samantha
Fri Dec 9, 2011 11:12 AM
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Samantha-
You put posters against domestic abuse in your women's washrooms? Wow. Clearly you are an expert on domestic abuse and advocate for women.
I'm with Hedgehog on this. You are overreacting and expecting too much from the church. I agree that churches/religion have done horrible things, but they just aren't culpable here.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Walkie
Fri Dec 9, 2011 11:52 AM
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I understand people's natural reaction to defend their church. I, however, do not limit my criticism to any one congregation or denomination. I accuse the entire Christian Church Universal, including Catholic and Protestant. I accuse them of not only ignoring this major social problem, but that their silence on this issue implies consent, which the abusers catch onto right away.
If I had a hammer and enough nails, I would nail this e-mail on the door of every Christian church in America, as Martin Luther did to start the Protestant Reformation.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Samantha
Fri Dec 9, 2011 12:26 PM
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Re: Samantha
Clearly you have your own set of issues with Christianity. However, I would think your experiences with Christianity is probably limited. I have heard a number of sermons on this topic. Perhaps, in your eagerness to denounce all that is Christian, you did not understand what the passages actually meant about stewardship etc, specifically as it would pertain to a father/husband or as a church employee. Let me give you just a few :
1 Corinthians 4:2
Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found trustworthy.
1 Timothy 5:8
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timothy 3:2
Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach
Titus 2:7
Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity
Titus 1:7-9
For an overseer, as God's steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.
Ephesians 5:11
Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.
and more of course. Just because you have never heard it, doesn't mean every Christian church in America ignores it. I personally can think of none that do.
Jess
Comment: #6
Posted by: Jess
Fri Dec 9, 2011 1:43 PM
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Samantha -- If you thought the person who came to you from that cleaning service actually earned that "going rate" you were charged, you are sadly mistaken; the cleaning service probably paid HIM (or her) closer to minimum wage, and took most of the rest to cover the costs of operating that business, including but not limited to liability insurance to protect against accidental damage to your property or theft by their staff; cleaning supplies; transportation (car, van, or mileage); advertising, payroll, social security, possibly health benefits; office space/utilities; legal consults; and last but certainly not least, profit! My employer frequently uses freelancers in many different specialties; I assure you we do not pay our employees "the going rate" that freelancers get.
Putting up posters in the restrooms in your business, huh? Wow. Why weren't you instead looking over every woman's face and exposed skin to see if she had bruises or cuts, and questioning closely how she got them? She claims she fell over her kid's wagon on the porch? Uh, uh -- you should have questioned her further! You needed to call the police and tell them of your suspicions, even if she denied it all! You should have lurked outside their property and listened for evidence!
Because THAT is what you are insisting that churches do. Domestic violence is NOT always evident -- I did some work with d.v. victims a few years ago, and they will be the first to tell you that it happens in families where people never suspect it, and that the victims are HIGHLY skilled in hiding it.
And if you've never heard of churches taking a proactive stance against domestic violence, I respectfully suggest you are not as well informed as you believe you are. You have zero evidence supporting your belief that this church was somehow at fault, and you clearly aren't aware that there are congregations helping to staff and fund domestic violence hotlines and shelters as well, thereby putting them squarely on the side of "part of the solution" -- even if you've "never heard of it."
Comment: #7
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Dec 9, 2011 8:26 PM
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OK, maybe I'm wrong. It certainly wouldn't be the first time in my life. I can't say I've attended every church or heard every sermon. Maybe there has been a sermon preached against spouse and child abuse, but I have just not heard about it. If such a church exists, everybody should hear about it.
Therefore, if Cheryl will agree, I would propose a challenge. If any reader out there could submit a CD of a Christian church service, or even a transcript of a sermon that has been preached somewhere in America, specifically exhorting the people in the pew not to hit their spouses and children, AND giving the victims explicit permission to leave/divorce that spouse, that church deserves recognition. I propose that we start a foundation to honor that church nationally with publicity and financial support. What to you think? Cheryl, you started this. Would you be willing to go along with this?
Comment: #8
Posted by: Samantha
Sat Dec 10, 2011 6:45 PM
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Easy enough. Now I'd be happy to make a tape of my preacher for you, otherwise all you have to do is go to youtube and type in "sermon against spouse abuse" "sermon against child abuse" to get a bunch already in use.
I guess someone let you down pretty hard. Maybe you should decide the fault is with that person and not an entire church entity. It's always easier to blame an establishment than a person you clearly cared about. I think your hatred of the church is misplaced, badly.
Jess
Comment: #9
Posted by: Jess
Sun Dec 11, 2011 1:01 PM
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To Jess and Hedgehog:
Thank you for your wonderful rebuttal(s) of Samantha. Most enlightening and graciously put.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Beguiling Miss Pasko
Mon Dec 12, 2011 5:55 AM
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Jess: Ok, I took your advice and looked all over the internet for a sermon against spouse abuse. I found many from Islam. I found one that had been preached by a woman in the Unitarian Church (not Christian). I found one by a Black preacher in a Baptist Church. But from a white pastor in a white Christian church? Sorry, I couldn't find one. If it's there, it's in the proverbial closet. I also found several articles expressing my point of view quite passionately: when it comes to spouse abuse, the Christian church is sickeningly silent.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Samantha
Mon Dec 12, 2011 7:25 AM
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Samantha, I will agree that for many years, all of society -- not just churches, but even a woman's own parents -- often counseled the problem was hers. She wasn't smart enough. She riled him up. She knew how he was...if she just managed him better, he'd treat her better. (I have to point out, though, that it is NOT true that ALL pastors counseled women this way.)
That began to change, again throughout society, once women had some options for employment AND as more became known about abuse and abusive personalities. There probably are congregations where it hasn't. However, you have absolutely NO evidence supporting your position that THIS church KNEW that THIS woman was abused and looked the other way. Instead, you chastised this congregation for giving the family breadwinner a job! (and by the way, my son does janitorial work part time for a public entity in an urban area - and is making nowhere near $10/hour), which would have alleviated at least some of the pressure. You are chastising them... when the woman herself saw the church as part of the solution rather than the problem!
I found a Catholic priest's homily against domestic violence -- which does qualify as a Christian church. Regardless, for my money, you get more impact if you fund the shelters and the hotlines (and in my community, it IS the churches and synagogues and mosques that fund ours, along with the United Way) than from sermons.
Comment: #12
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Dec 12, 2011 5:23 PM
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Re; Samantha
Forgive me if i misunderstood your saying no churches anywhere preached against this. I found many that did. I had no idea that NOW you wanted to be specific and racist. I'm not sure what you're typing in but when I went back just now and typed in Sermon against child abuse I got 4 "white" pastors on the first page. I'm sure if what you're looking for is anger and hatred that you found it! I am looking for something different and I found it. I don't look for qualifiers of gender and race. I'm looking at the issue. Religion, to me, is not about gender or race. But at least, by your own admission, there are some pastors out there that preach against abuse. By default, that must mean that not all of Christian churches are being silent.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Jess
Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:55 PM
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I'll admit I was wrong in my statement that all Christian churches were silent on the issue of spouse abuse. I now know a Black church is speaking out against it. I don't know if it's representative of the entire black church or not, but I know that by the law of statistics the black church is doing a zillion times better at least on the idiot. If that's racism, it's reverse racism, but I view it as statistics.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Samantha
Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:01 AM
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I meant "on the internet', not "idiot", but maybe that's a Freudian slip, lol. Not the first mistake I've ever made, nor will it be the last, I'm sure.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Samantha
Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:05 AM
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Re: Samantha
I'm very curious about all of this. I would like to see some proof, that when asked for help, a pastor or a church did not try to help. Something we can look up, not he said/she said stuff.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Jess
Wed Dec 14, 2011 4:33 PM
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