Tales From the Front by Cheryl Lavin

Dear Cheryl,

I've been married for 15 years to the woman I love. We have two beautiful, respectful young children. We agree on most issues, argue without screaming, have a beautiful home, good careers and a sound plan for our future. We enjoy each other's company and laugh a lot together. Most couples would envy a marriage like ours.

However, this is where we fail — physical affection. I grew up in a very affectionate household. My parents have been married for decades and still act like teenagers around each other. My siblings have similar affectionate marriages. My wife, Nancy, is affectionate with the children, but she never gives me a hug or a peck on the cheek.

Forget intimacy — that occurs a handful of times a year, if that. I'm not totally blaming Nancy about the intimacy, since when it finally occurs my "prowess" is often short lived due to the excitement of it actually happening.

I feel like we're no longer husband and wife, but a friendly CEO and COO running a household. Our life has become dominated by completing tasks, such as grocery shopping, preparing dinner, doing laundry, fixing lunch boxes, paying bills, driving carpools etc. The spark is totally gone in her.

When I bring this up, she acts as if giving me affection is more difficult and less appealing than trying to solve the Middle East conflict. When I specifically request intimacy, she rolls her eyes and it's on to cooking dinner or bathing a child.

I have a great wife, partner and best friend who I love and trust unconditionally, but I don't have a lover anymore.

It depresses me to think that I could be dealing with this for the next 50-plus years when I have so much affection to give and receive. How can I express my pain to Nancy without sounding like I'm begging for intimacy? — Almost Perfect

Dear Almost Perfect,

If it's any consolation, what you're describing — a marriage that has morphed into a nonprofit committed to raising children and maintaining a household — is not unusual.

But that doesn't help you much.

Tonight, after the children are fed, bathed and put to bed, tell your wife you want to talk. Tell her you're not going to beg her for sex; you're going to tell her how you feel about your relationship.

Start by telling her that you love her and that you're committed to the marriage, but that the relationship isn't working for you. Explain that you need affection. Tell her what that means: holding hands, sitting close to one another with your arm around her, watching TV together, giving and getting "just-for-the-heck-of-it" hugs and kisses. And, yes, it also means sex.

Tell her you don't want to live the rest of your life as friendly roommates. Tell her you're willing to become a better lover, go to counseling and/or help her more with the housework. You'll do whatever it takes.

And then listen to what she says.

Stay in touch and we'll go from there.

Got a problem? Send it to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

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