Tales From the Front by Cheryl Lavin

Today's column is one woman's adventures on the INTERNET.

Says Mandy, "I've met some reasonably nice people, but mostly I've managed to meet every freak and geek out there."

EXAMPLE ONE: He was a hottie and asked to meet me. I agreed and asked him where. He said my place. What? I absolutely refused and finally got him to confess that he was still married, "in the process of getting a divorce," but still lived at home. He couldn't meet in public until the divorce was final.

Yeah, right. That was a year ago. He still contacts me and still wants to meet at my place, and I still refuse because he's still living with the woman he's still divorcing.

EXAMPLE TWO: He flipped out because I asked for a picture. I'm an attractive woman. You can call me whatever you want, but the truth is I'm not attracted to people who don't take care of themselves. It's not unreasonable to require a picture. I know it could be old or even faked, but at least it's something.

EXAMPLE THREE: After several emails, we set up a tentative date for Sunday afternoon. Since this was tentative, I told him to give me a call Sunday morning, and I'd let him know for sure. I ended up sick that particular day and didn't answer my phone. On Monday, I received a friendly email from him. "Hey, lady! What happened yesterday?" I told him I wasn't feeling well and didn't answer my phone.

He went completely off on me for standing him up. I said I didn't stand him up since our plans were tentative. Maybe I should have answered the phone, but I honestly wasn't feeling well.

I also told him I was very surprised that someone could get so upset about something not happening with someone he hadn't met.

EXAMPLE FOUR: He was supposedly the owner of his own small heating and cooling business, but his emails were filled with horrible spelling and grammar.

I would sometimes have to decode his email and text messages. He spelled obviously "aviesely" and business "buizsnes."

EXAMPLE FIVE: He took me out, and we had a few beers and then went back to his place. He put on some music, and we chatted. Then he started pawing me. Not happening. I'm a 36-year-old woman, and he's a 40-year-old man.

He actually tried the "We're both adults" line. My response was, "Yes we are, so you can understand why I won't jump in the sack after knowing you for all of two hours." He never called again, and that was perfectly fine with me.

Most of the guys I've met haven't looked like their pictures. One guy actually sent a picture of his gorgeous brother, while he was overweight and dirty. Most have described themselves as athletic and have turned out to be skinnier than me. Athletic to me means they have some sort of muscles and body mass.

The signs are there. The guy who won't meet you in public, won't give you a phone number, only an email address, won't tell you where he works, won't invite you to his home, becomes scarce if you don't give it up after the first date or becomes scarce when you finally do give in — these are all signs the guy is married, involved or playing you.

Have you had adventures on the Internet? Send your tale, along with your questions and problems to cheryllavin@aol.com. You can visit her blog at www.talesfromthefront.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

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