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A Date Without Sex -- Too Much to Ask?


We recently heard from Am I Naive or What? She's divorced and looking for a man who wants companionship, not sex. "Someone intellectually stimulating to talk to and to go to movies with."

All he has to be is "clean, over 35, under 65, reasonably pleasant to look at, confident and happy within himself who would enjoy doing things with someone of the opposite sex."

I said such a man existed. The trick was to find him. But then that's the trick for anyone who's looking for someone.

Here's what you had to say ...

Sheila: Is a date without sex too much to ask? Yes! That woman is naive. I've dated (via the Internet to meet men) for seven years. I've met many nice men, with good jobs, clean and decent, and all they want is sex for the price of a dinner or a drink.

Companionship is not on their agenda. Neither is having a relationship. I've dated men from 35 to 70, and in my experience, they're all the same. It's sad, but that's the way of the world nowadays.

Kathy: I understand the challenges that AINOW? faces in looking for a man, over 35, reasonably pleasant to look at, confident and happy within himself who would enjoy things with someone of the opposite sex without expecting sex in return.

The challenge to me is not the "without sex" part of the equation, it's the rest of it!

In the last 10 years, I've discovered that there are a growing number of men, over 35, who are poorly groomed and unhappy within themselves. They also lack confidence.

Men fitting this description are the segment of the population who are most likely to be losing their jobs to women. They're often dependent upon another woman for financial support.

This situation causes these men to become surly, lack confidence and stop grooming themselves in that order. If a man does not actually lose his job to a woman, he still sees the trend happening to his friends and members of his family, and the cycle begins for him. In my father's day, men were disappointed and were considered a failure if they couldn't take care of their families. Men may still feel this way but are in denial, which causes the cycle to begin.

I know a number of women who support their surly, demanding, poorly groomed husbands and lovers. Although they pay the bills, they're ordered around by these unhappy, unkempt men.

If AINOW? finds one of the few men who are happy, confident and reasonably pleasant to look at, she may want to share the benefits of sex with her equal. Until then, she should just enjoy dinners and movies with her female friends.

Joe: I'm over 35, under 65, clean and not gay. I would enjoy having good conversation over a nice meal with an attractive woman. I feel spending time with someone you enjoy being with is first and foremost. I refuse to go to bars or join a dating service. I feel if it's meant to be, then it will happen. If not — so be it. I sowed my oats a while ago and would enjoy conversation and companionship.

(Sorry Readers. I can't give out Joe's information!)

How do you and your partner handle finances? Send your tale, along with your questions and problems to And check out my blog To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit



8 Comments | Post Comment
I'm over 35 and under 65, clean, eductaed, well groomed. I did the internet dating for several years and joined a dating service and all I found was women that expected/wanted sex. They wern't looking for a relationship as I was. But then these women were slim, attractive, and full figured was that the problem?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Jack Olds
Sat Mar 6, 2010 5:21 AM
@ Jack Olds: Wouldn't it be nice if there were matchmakers around who could find people a nice date? I've seen it in NYC but here in CenTex it isn't likely to happen. I wish I could find my beautiful mother a good person. But to answer your question maybe when you are looking on your dating service you should consider the plain janes. I would think logically they might tend more to introspection and conversation than the bombshells.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jackie
Sat Mar 6, 2010 7:47 AM
Try a singles' group at church. You might be more apt to find people with some morals there. (If you don't have any religion, get some.)
Comment: #3
Posted by: Matt
Mon Mar 8, 2010 2:20 AM
I'm over 35 and closer to 65 than 35, and female. I started dating again after 30 years of being out of the market. I had dates with several gentlemen, but there was no attraction. I enjoy conversation and companionship...I also enjoy having sex with the right person. I subsequently was lucky in finding someone who has provided both.
Comment: #4
Posted by: sam
Wed Mar 10, 2010 10:33 AM
I am female, over 35 and probably closer to 65. After 30 years in 2 failed relationships, I became single again and ventured into the dating scene. I was lucky to find several gentlemen to have dinner with and spend time with. I also enjoy having sex with the right person and have been lucky enough to find someone who I can do both with.
Comment: #5
Posted by: sam
Wed Mar 10, 2010 10:37 AM
Re: Matt gets horny watching the Church Lady on reruns of Saturday Night Live.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Brock O. Lee
Wed Mar 10, 2010 8:12 PM
I'm nearing 50, have raised my child alone and now I'm looking forward to the rest of my life and doing the things I want to do. Life is short and I'd like to share it with someone special. However, sex is not part of the equation. I have so much to offer. I don't go out and do things because I have a touch of social anxiety. I'm generally a happy person, love to laugh and talk and go and do things, but there's never anyone to do anything with. Where to find someone is a big issue.
Comment: #7
Posted by: sofi
Thu Aug 9, 2012 3:37 PM
I don't understand why looks or even gender would matter if one is just looking for companionship and not sex. Is't that just being friends?

And Joe, there is no shame in joining a dating service. It is one way you might find someone with whom "it was meant to be." If your normal routine does not put you in contact with lots of different people all the time, you are unlikely to meet anyone. As I have heard said to women, " You're not going to meet new people in your living room!"
Comment: #8
Posted by: Mary
Tue Sep 8, 2015 3:35 PM
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