Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: My 4-year-old daughter has attended a mother's day out program since she was a baby. One girl in her class is very bossy, and my daughter has had a long-term love/hate relationship with her. Every day, I hear from my daughter about her interaction with this girl. I hear "she hit me," "she said she hates me," "she said I'm a baby," "she says she won't invite me to her party," etc. I ask about what was going on during that time, like "what were you doing or what did you do after that?" to find our more about the situation. Sometimes my daughter tells me these things very matter-of-factly, and other times she's very upset. This girl also leads some group bullying, telling other girls they cannot be friends with my daughter. I have told my daughter that she should say "that's not nice, I'm going to go play with someone who is nice" and to go find another friend after making that statement.

My daughter used to be more aggressive in her responses, but her teachers would tell me that both girls got timeouts because they hit each other. My daughter says that the other girl was the initiator. I have informed her teachers and have requested they try to guide and refocus the girls. The teachers are kind and caring, but they cannot supervise the girls every second of the day.

I wish my daughter didn't have to deal with this girl. She loves her and asks me when we can invite her over to play. I've know her mom and she's a bit of a bully, too. I initially made good social efforts with the mom and then stopped when I learned about her own bulliness. I think the girl learns her aggression from home.

What should I tell my daughter about how to deal with this girl? Is it OK to hit back? I don't want this girl to repeatedly taunt my daughter because she can get away with it. I feel like this little bully is squashing my daughter's potential.

I recently had twins and am concerned that I'm not paying enough attention to this bully interaction and that I don't know enough about how to support my daughter to get her through this. How much of their interaction is normal? What should I do to preserve my daughter's wonderful curiosity and exploration of the rest of the world?

A: Certainly, bullying does happen, even at your daughter's young age. Most of your advice to her has been good — that is to tell the little girl to be nice or to leave to play with others. If this girl hits her, it's not good to hit her back. At this age, it would be better for her to tell her teacher. Hitting back will only continue the problem and she'll be blamed. If there are two different classes for the coming year, it's reasonable to ask for separation, but if you like the school, the best approach is to alert the teachers to the problem again so they can help your daughter cope.

It's possible that your daughter has learned that if she complains about the problem enough, she can engage your attention away from the twins. She may be exaggerating the actions because her complaints are so effective. Encourage your daughter to find different friends and to ignore this child. She can come home to tell you about her new friends and what they did that day. That may help her to keep your attention in a more positive way.

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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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