Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: We are a high achieving family. Our oldest child, a high school freshman, has always been a top student, seeming effortlessly. Our second child, a seventh grader, works really hard and does extremely well. Our third child, a fourth grader, feels the pressure of the world and has already announced that she is not nearly as good a student as her siblings. She says she's sure she'll get C's and we shouldn't expect more.

How do we encourage her to her potential, whatever that is, without her feeling the pressure of the world (not just from us, but also from outside family, friends and community)?

A: There's nothing wrong with high achievement, but it can pressure younger children to follow in the footsteps of superachieving siblings. You need to hear your daughter's worries. Reassure her of her capabilities, but you shouldn't make it too easy for her to avoid hard work. The message that's most effective to give to all children is that you'll be satisfied with their grades as long as they're giving full effort; you'll be disappointed in them if they're not working hard. All children, regardless of their abilities, eventually meet children who are more capable than they are. It's not a race to the top we're after, but instead a journey to a life of good learning, accomplishment and contributions to our world.

There are many different kinds of intelligence, and careers require all kinds. By genetics alone, your daughter is likely to be highly capable. In elementary school, kids hardly ever get C's if they're doing their work and turning in all assignments. Thus, you can tell her that you expect more of her.

On the other hand, if she's trying hard and does get a C, you can assure her you'll be satisfied. Don't waste too much pity on your daughter because it appears she may be searching for sympathy and an excuse to not put forth full effort.

While too much pressure is bad, feeling a little pressure is part of motivation. Expect her to do her personal best, as you should require from all of your children. Your older son, who you say is doing well almost effortlessly, may be in more shock when he reaches college than your other two children who learn to work hard. Hopefully, he will meet some challenging work in high school to prevent that problem.

I often explain to our clients that the only true way to build self-confidence is by working hard and accepting challenge. If students only accomplish easy tasks, they know anyone can accomplish those duties. It's when they go beyond what's expected and achieve what they thought would be too difficult that they can really feel good about themselves. Every child, regardless of ability, needs appropriate challenge. Work that is too difficult discourages students and work that is too easy doesn't prepare them for the real world.

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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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