Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: I have a question regarding my identical twins. They auditioned for a gifted and talented program in different fields. Both qualified and were placed on the school's wait list. One child was offered placement because there was an opening in his major. Now they attend different schools for the first time ever.

There have been some positive outcomes from this separation, but there have also been some negatives (like the stigma/misconception that only one twin was qualified). What is the best advice you could give me to help my children at this time of significant change? They have been extremely supportive of one another.

A: Your twins are receiving an early lesson in resilience while they're in their safe and loving family environment. You're fortunate that both experienced being on a wait list, which shows them that both indeed qualified as talented, despite the fact that there wasn't room in the program for one of them. Similar possibilities will exist as they apply for college admission or jobs in the future.

Recognizing the competitive nature of following their interests is important. However, developing their strengths and interests is only one part of the opportunity. No matter how smart or talented they are, there will always be others who are more or less talented. If their talents lie in overcrowded or highly competitive fields, they may not receive the opportunities they'd like, and they'll have to be creative in either increasing their talent so they qualify or developing their talent in other directions. Although this is surely difficult for the twin who wasn't accepted into the program in his talent area, feeling too sorry for him won't be helpful.

You can certainly be empathic and understand this hurts his feelings and his confidence, but he'll have to get up, dust himself off and try again or attempt a different direction. You can be of the most help in attempting to process through his alternatives or at least sharing with him that he has alternatives. You can also assure him that this experience can help him feel stronger for the future.

Using this experience as a lesson in resilience is a lifelong gift you can give to both of your sons. There is luck and skill in every opportunity. While your children can't do much to influence the luck, they can do everything to develop their skills and creatively search for opportunities beyond their school. The Internet can provide your son with many additional enrichment opportunities for weekend, vacation and summer activities to enhance his already recognized skills. The website for the National Association for Gifted Children (www.nagc.org) provides descriptions of many summer programs for gifted children. While some require qualifying scores, many expect only interest and motivation as their entrance criteria. Both your sons can find exciting summer programs in a variety of interests on that website. Your son who has suffered rejection will likely find acceptance and likeminded peers.

For a free newsletter about competition and/or extracurricular activities, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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